Monday, April 22, 2013

Bobby Jenks fights Breast Cancer

Hello I'm Tina Derive and I'm SO delighted to be on 'Tomorrow...IS Today."  It's the talk show that talks about tomorrow's topics today...get it? 

Oh anyway, as you know, I'm Joe Derive's new wife.  We married last night in Los Vegas...I think...I don't remember much actually...but anyway...welcome Bobby Jenks:

Bobby Jenks
Glad to be here to fight Breast Cancer the leading cause of problems for women in the US.

Tina Derive:
Wow...that is so great of you.  You know you have a reputation as a womanizer and a total drunk bum but today you're making amends. We're all so very proud of you and what a handsome man you are!

Bobby Jenks (now sweating in his chair)
Oh...I like this show.

Tina  (laughing)
Bobby...you are such a flatterer and are so muscular.

Bobby:
Oh Tina I know the perfect evening for both of us...Anyway,  I'm here to show woman everywhere how to examine their breasts and provide free breast exams.  I'm completely qualified and will spend the time you need to ensure a cancer free breast.

Tina
Wow...that is so cool of you.  Did you go to school for that?

Bobby Jenks
Ah...ya...listen what is your IQ?

Tina
Oh...80 or so...I think but I don't remember too much...ha.ha..so can you go over the techniques you use to examine a breast...because I like do them in the shower.

Bobby Jenks
Well...ah...sorry starting to sweat here...hot studio...anyway the important part is to examine every part of the breast...did you say shower?

Tina
Every week!!!

Bobby
You take a shower once a week???

Tina (laughing hard)
No silly I examine my breasts once a week...I take a shower twice a week.  I call it Tuesday is shower and Friday is flower.  That's how I remember to shower twice a week.  Tuesday and Friday...like everyone else.  You're so silly.

Bobby Jenks
You weren't lying about your IQ were you?

Tina
Oh my you are SO funny Bobby.  So anyway what do I do to make my breasts cancer free, do I stroke them, rub them...ah I like to rub soap on them to check for...oh you certainly crossed your legs fast...ha..ha...chair uncomfortable?

Bobby Jenks
Ya...bad chair...ah...so anyway I have a free breast cancer clinic in my home city that young woman...you know because older woman already know this stuff...

Tina
Oh OK...so what would be the age limit?

Bobby
Twenty five

Tina
What made you pick that age instead of say 40 or 50 where breast cancer rates are much higher?

Bobby
How did you know that?

Tina (laughing)
Oh...I have NO idea...but you didn't answer the question did you? I believe that's the logical fallacy of 'avoiding the question.'

Bobby:
You're IQ isn't 80 is it?


Tina (with an angry stare)
I have Bobby Jenks on the show and my desire to make him look like a total fool just demanded that I alter a fact or two...and you have no way of moving off that stage easily right now do you without even making a bigger fool of yourself.

Bobby (meekly)
No...

Tina
That's all for today's show.  Tomorrow we'll have former Red Sox pitcher Kason Gabbard who will try to convince us that his name really isn't Jason.

Kason:
It's KASON!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Joe Derive and the scary 4


Arnie, the king of restaurant owners walked to the door in utter shock.  There was Joe Derive, a reporter for the Boston Sport smiling hard as he greeted his guests.

'Arnie, ' said Joe who extended his hand.  "Like you to meet my friends."

Arnie looked over at Manny Ramirez, Bobby Valentine, Julio Lugo and Bobby Jenks.

"If those are your friends Joe, I'd hate to see your enemies, " said Arnie trying not to groan as the five walked in and sat down.  Arnie, being the kind person that he was walked over and smiled.

'So...ah...what would you like to eat...not drink...eat?"

"Hey what about the big...", said Bobby Jenks.

"Uh hu...no,no,no, ' said Joe starring down Bobby Jenks.  "What is the number one rule with you four."

In unison the four spouted out, "don't talk unless it's a life or death emergency."

Joe nodded but then added, "and..."

"Consider it optional even then, "said the four in unison.  Joe then smiled broadly. 

"That's right Arnie.  These four, and myself, will have scrambled eggs with wheat toast, a cup of fruit and coffee. "

Arnie nodded and strolled away watching the four of them in unison.

Meanwhile Joe leaned back and smiled.  "You see, "said Joe, "  You four can behave in a public setting without a single problem."

Bobby Valentine shrugged. "The problem was the Boston Media.  Totally unprofessional. One reporter didn't like the way I answered the question and refused to speak to me the entire season."

"What did you say, "asked Joe?

"I told him to go #$#$34 himself and to stick #$#$ up his #$#$#4. "

"Wow, 'said Bobby Jenks. "What was wrong with that?"

"Ya see, "snapped Joe.  "That is exactly the type of thinking that you need to eliminate.  Remember my number one rule for you Bobby!"

"Everything I say or think is always wrong, "said Bobby in monotone. 

"Exactly, "said Joe.  "You need to flip everything you said to something that comes unnatural and it will be OK."

"So I can't tell that waitress that she has the biggest..."

"No...don't go there."

"Arnie, I found what Bobby said badder.  He really needs to clean up his languageres, "said Julio Lugo.

"How did you ever run a radio show Lugo?"

"Hey, it's still on.  The Alaska show is the only locally produced radio show in the Fairbanks area between the hours of 2:00 am and 3:00 am on Monday night with a ratings of...oh two listeners."

"Stop reading from notes Julio!"

"Hey what about me, 'said Manny Ramirez.  "Everyone in China LOVES ME.  They all know how great I am."

Joe rubbed his forehead.


"Here's the food. Hey Manny, "said Arnie as he was handing out the dishes. "You doing well in China...wait...let me guess...they love you over there!"

"Hey ya they do.  How'd you know?"

"But...you're getting tired of them and their lousy attitudes..."

"Right again...you are a genius Arnie."

"Lucky guess."

Arnie walked away as the four began eating their meal.

"I need it bad Joe.  For some reason women don't find me attractive!" said Bobby Jenks.

"That's because you're overweight and unlikeable, "said Bobby Valentine.

"Darnit Bobby...you two are giving the name Bobby a BAD name...wow"

"I just tell the truth, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

"Are you calling me FAT!!!"

"No, no, "said Bobby Valentine.  "I'm fat...you're thin and great looking."

Joe shook his head. Once again Bobby Valentine was doing the 'V' talk. 

"Man...why did I agree to this outing anyway Joe?"

"Because you're part of my new public relations study to determine if guys like you can function in the real world."

"I can function just fine...it's the world that's the problem, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

'Next you'll say that I just misinterpreted the fact that you just insulted the entire world.'

"Kind of, 'said a shamed Valentine.

"I've been taking a math course in addition.  Thank goodness for calculators, "said Lugo.  "I was having the worst time adding 5 + 12 until I punched it in a calculator and got 87.  Whew that was hard, "said Lugo.

"Hard...ya...I miss..."

"BOBBY, "cursed Joe Derive.  "Get your mind off yourself."

"That's it.  I'm sick of you guys and maybe you sick of Manny.  I want to stay in China where they love me there and in the meantime I'm going to shove Joe Derive to the ground just cause."

"Ow, "snapped Joe.

"That's it all of you.  Out of this restaurant.  I'm though with you!" said Arnie.

"See...see you four start talking and we get into trouble!"

"Joe, sorry, really but I have to run a family restaurant here."

"Does this mean that we get our $20,000 back Joe, "said Bobby Jenks.

"20,000 dollars.  Way to go Joe, "said Arnie.

Joe nodded and got up.

"OK you four we'll try again tomorrow night and this time we'll do it right.  We're going to McDonalds.

"DOUBLE FIST." snapped Bobby Jenks.

The four left and walked into the night.



 


Monday, April 1, 2013

Red Sox Management Selling New 'Stuff'

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and to leave warm and SUNNY Florida for...New York -- OK New York is great...but boy was it warm in Florida.  Anyway, I'm here with Larry Lucciano of the Boston Red Sox as he talks about merchandise that fans can buy in Fenway Park.  He's doing this as part of a program to help raise money for the struggling NESN network.




Larry
Hey Joe, we're very excited about the stuff we're selling. Stuff our players have donated to us to sell at the Fenway Park Store.  No more used jerseys going for...oh...$5000.  Now we have stuff that every fan will love.  Take David Ortiz's gold chain.


Joe:
Wow!  That's amazingly generous of David to donate it to the Red Sox and NESN.

Larry:
It is, but that's the type of player David Ortiz is.  He's so generous with his time and his stuff...oh, excuse me I have a call.

Larry (talking in background).
A breakin?  David that's terrible.  They took your...your gold chain?  Horrible...listen...ya no need to contact the police Dave.  We'll help you find it...ya...detectives...did they find fingerprints...oh that's too bad.  Listen, I'm talking with Joe Derive...gotta go...no no cops...we'll figure it out.

Larry: (looking a bit sweaty and panicked)
So anyway, we've got other things as well.  Take for example this great...well we have a photo of it.

Joe:
That's Josh Beckett's truck!  Wow!

Larry:
Ya...it's awesome isn't it.  Even has Josh's keg of beer in it!  Awesome!  We're selling it for 250 thousand dollars and that's a bargain.  I mean he's no longer with the team but that doesn't mean he's not a Red Sox.  He drove it all the way from Texas.

Joe:
So wow...I thought he didn't like you guys...boy was I wrong.

Larry:
Ya...oh...excuse me...

Larry (in background)
Josh...long time no hear...your truck...stolen?  How terrible?  Had beer in it too!  Your golf clubs?  Awful so why are you calling me?  Oh...spotted in Boston near Fenway Park with me driving it?  Ha...that's funny...well you know....seen one seem em' all.  Listen...gotta go...ya Joe Derive.

Larry:
Sorry about that. Also we are selling Josh Beckett's golf clubs for only 500,000 dollars.  They are custom made and he used to love them but when he left Boston he donated them to us.

Joe:
Funny because I overheard you saying his truck was stolen...with his golf clubs.

Larry:
Ha,ha,ha...ya he and I love to kid around.  You know, stuff stolen, house breakins...it's a joke you know.

Joe:
Ya...funny...so what else you got?

Larry:
I saved the best for last. 
This is the bat that Yaz used to make 3000 hits.  Amazing isn't it.  Priceless but Yaz is selling it for a pity one point five million.  I mean...awesome...stupid #$#$ phone.  One second Joe.

Larry (in background)
What, Carl?  How are you?  Your bat...missing?  Carl...that's horrible.  Ya the one that made 3000 hits.  Man that was LOW.  Whoever did that ought to have their head chopped off. Ya...of course I'll help you with the investigation....police?  Na, they don't know nothing.  I'll solve it for you.  Ya...gotta go.

Larry:
Sorry, man I hate that phone. 

Joe:
So when do these items go for sale?

Larry:
Today...and it's first come first serve.  We want these items GONE...preferably today...in the next few hours...and we'll be taking counteroffers as well.  Really...crap the #$#$, #%$#$#$, @#@#@# phone.#$#$

Joe:
Calm down Larry!

Larry:
What!!!! Oh ya...the game ball where your threw a no-hitter...is gone.  Who #$#$ cares Clay.  Go $#$ in a lake.  Ya #$#$ you too!

Larry:
Damn...why me?  Why do they all think I stole these items when they clearly donated them to me.  Anyway, we have one final item...the game ball that Clay Buckholz kindly gave to us after he threw that no-hitter.  Folks...really, who wouldn't want that in their home.

Joe:
Ya...sure...anyway Larry...I have to go...

Larry:
But you haven't heard about J.D. Drew's household furniture or Tito Francona's lawn equipment...and we even rubbed off the serial numbers...

Joe:
Lawn equipment?  Are you serious?

Larry:
Autographed by me too!

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and I am OUT OF HERE!!!  Welcome to the Boston Red Sox 2013 season!!!!

Larry:
Oh crap the cops!