Andrew Bailey -- don't worry, I'm still getting paid

In a press conference today, Andrew Bailey wanted to ensure worried Red Sox fans that he is still getting paid and will continue to do so no matter what.

"Even when -- not if -- I get injured or when I provide up the inevitable bone-crushing loss for the team, the team is still paying me a boatload of money so fans need not worry that I'm not seeing green each week."

Bailey also wanted to ensure fans he'll still pitch despite his struggles.

"Since I have a contract they have no choice but to watch me blow more games and give up runs.  It does break my heart to see children crying in their parent's arms after a ninth inning loss, but thanks to my paycheck I can go out and buy a new Ford Excursion with built in GPS and climate control and get my mind off of those things."

Bailey also wanted fans to know he'll continue to find his form again.

"Barring the inevitable injury -- heck I'm not Brittle Bailey for nothin', I plan to keep on throwing the ball directly over the fat part of the plate.  At some point somebody is not going to hit a home run and swing and miss.  It's going to take time but it will happen.  In the mean time, fans of opposing teams can enjoy the fact that I am giving up more home runs than the number of tears on a child's face when I blow a game."

Asked what he will do when his contract expires.

"Well, that of course is a worry.  I've gotten used to private jets, penthouses, multiple homes, luxury cars, private vacations in Paris and so forth but I'm confident that during the last month of my contract I'm return to form so that a team like the Dodgers will pick up my contract so that I continue to get paid otherwise that new Mercedes might have to sit in the showroom and then I will be the one that's crying...oh I can't even think of that...too terrifying. "

I'm Joe Derive