NFL Referee's face audience

Hi, I'm Joe Derive, looking for extra money.  Today I'm gathered with a huge audience as they sit down and interview the replacement ref's for the NFL as the replacement ref's want to show their intimate knowledge of the game.  

Oh, here goes an audience member.

Fred:
Ya, Fred here.  I was wondering, do you guys actually know what you're doing?

Ref1:
I can speak for the rest of us.  All of us umpires have a clear and intimate knowledge of football...

Fred:
Hold up...did you say umpire?

Ref1:
Oh ya...sorry, I meant...ah...referee...right?   Anyway, we know all about playing football at the ballpark and all the rules of the game.

Joe Derive:
OK..well that gave me some great confidence...next:

Tom.
Ya, Tom here.  How many...yards is an average football stadium?

Ref2:
Ah...that depends on the ballpark.  Some can go...longer than others.

Tom:
Are you serious?  It's 100 yards!!!

Ref2:
Oh crap...so that's what those numbers on the field were all about.  I thought they were points earned!

Ref1:
Ya this is different than baseball.  Whew, glad I came to learn!

Tom:
Oh #$#$#, you guys have NO idea how the game works do you?  You are baseball umpires aren't you?

Ref3:
I resent that!  I am a qualified ref.  I mean I'm just tired of the managers screaming at me.

Joe Derive:
They're coaches you...oh wait...let's get to the next person.

Bill:
Ya Bill.  I was just wondering if you guys were watching maybe a baseball game while the football game was going on? 

Ref4:
No, we don't do that at all.  We're all Red Sox fans so it's just painful.  We pay attention to all the downs and ups and the throws and kicks and...oh forget it,we have NO idea what we're doing!

Joe Derive:
I'm Joe Derive and I have to leave before the fans kill those Refs!  Refs RUN!

Lugo learns Grammar - Nouns

Arnie:
OK Julio, listen I'm really sorry for losing my temper.  I think we should start from the beginning and learn what nouns are.  That should solve everything.

Lugo:
You know, as a former great of the Boston Red Sox, I accept your apology.

Arnie:
ah...OK listen...a noun is the name of a person, place, thing, or idea.  Got it?

Lugo:
Ah...not really.

Arnie:
No problem.  Listen, look at this pencil.  Pencil is a noun in English since it's a thing. Pencil is a noun.

Lugo:
OK, should I write that down with my noun?

Arnie:
What?

Lugo (sighing).
Should I write the definition of a noun down with my noun?

Arnie:
It's a pencil not a noun! Man...

Lugo:
THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE ME CALL IT A NOUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arnie:
Look a stove is a noun, a pencil is a noun, the floor is a noun.  It's a person,place or thing.  Got it?

Lugo:
How can anybody talk if everything is a NOUN!

Arnie:
You only IDENTIFY it as a noun in language.  Nobody calls it a noun.

Lugo:
I have NO idea what we are doing?

Arnie:
Neither do I.  Let's try again tomorrow.

Lugo:
Hey you mean let's try again noun.  In the meantime, I want a noun so could you pour some noun in my noun as noun thirsty.

Arnie:
Lugo...you're...insane.

Lugo:
Actually I'm a noun.

Arnie:
I rest my case.

Julio Lugo and Adverbs

Arnie:
Hey Lugo ready for your grammar lesson?

Lugo:
Sure...I'm doing fine in grammar but I can't figure out adverbs and adjectives.

Arnie:
Easy...adjectives describe nouns.  Adverbs don't describe nouns.

Lugo:
What do adverbs describe?

Arnie:
Take a guess...ad-VERB

Lugo:
Oh ya, they describe nouns to!

Arnie:
NO...ad_VERB

Lugo:
Ya...nouns got it...so what's the difference between an adjective and an ad-VERB.

Arnie:
No...don't SHOUT VERB in adverb, I was giving you a hint.  Adverbs describe...you know...VERBS!

Lugo:
Then why did you tell me they describe nouns.  Arnie you sure you're smart?

Arnie:
Apparently not as I'm teaching you!

Lugo:
That's not nice.  Anyway what are ad-VERB?

Arnie:
Adverbs describe verbs, adjectives and other adverbs.  Easy right?

Lugo:
Ah...boy you make Lugo's head spin.  What's an adjective again.

Arnie:
Adjectives describe NOUNS.  Adverbs...don't describe nouns.  They describe VERBS...got it...ad-VERB!

Lugo:
Whew grammar is complicated.  OK...so give Lugo an example.

Arnie:
OK...Arnie ran fast.   Now ran is the verb...right?

Lugo:
Ah...so run is an adjective right!

Arnie:
I just told you its a verb!

Lugo:
What's a verb?

Arnie:
RAN...RAN Is a verb.  Don't you get it?

Lugo:
Get what?

Arnie:
Oh please help me.  Arnie ran fast.  RAN is the verb since its an action and fast is to what extent -- so fast is an ad-VERB describing how he ran.

Lugo:
Hu?  I don't see you run.

(Arnie hitting head against wall)

Arnie:
OK...Fred ran quickly.  Fred is...

Lugo:
an adjective.

Arnie:
NO:

Lugo:
You don't have to get so upset.  Fred is an adverb!

Arnie:
NOOOO!

Lugo:
OK Fred is a preposal?

Arnie:
That's preposition and NO!

Lugo:
You make Lugo sick...oh ya Fred is a noun!

Arnie:
YES!

Lugo:
What was the sentence?

Arnie:
I forgot.  Let's try a new one.  Bob is running away.  What's running?

Lugo:
Ah...a noun.

Arnie:
NO...NO...NO.  A noun is the name of a person, place or thing!  How can you possibly think that running is a A#$#$ NOUN.

Lugo:
What's your language Arnie. I have sensitive ears.

Arnie:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....OK.  Running is a verb.

Lugo:
You mean an ad-VERB.

Arnie:
I GIVE UP. 

Lugo:
Give is a verb...

Arnie:
yes!

Lugo:
ah...up is a noun!

Arnie:
Good night Lugo!

Lugo:
Good is a verb?

Arnie:
Good night!

Lugo:
Good is a preposal,noun,ad...VERB, verb...

Arnie:
Good night Lugo!

Lugo:
Wait what about my lesson!

Arnie:
I need a stiff drink.  Good night Lugo.

Valentine explains himself.

Welcome to the Bobby Jenks show with special guest -- BOBBY VALENTINE.

Jenks:
Hi everyone.  How we all doing today.  I'm Bobby -- never-been-a-food-I-didn't-like Jenks.   My producer asked to have Bobby Valentine on again considering he totally like insulted Ryan Kalish by stating he stunk.

Bobby V:
I didn't say that.

Jenks:
Hey shut up #$#$#$.  You'll come on when I say so.

Alfredo Aceves:
Ah #$#$ you.

Jenks:
Hey shut up Alfredo!  I haven't even announced it yet and what in heck are ya doing wearing a Yankee uniform.

Alfredo:
#$#$#$ #$#$@ #@#@# bi-#$#$ 343$@#23

Jenks:
OK, OK, now calm down!  I got Valentine on first.

(Jenks ducks as a chair flies by his head.)

Jenks:
That was REAL professional Alfredo.  How in hell did you ever get a job in the majors!

Jenks: (turns toward audience)
OK, now here's...BOBBY!

(Bobby walks in appearing to talk to someone who is invisible.  He sits down and continues to talk to the person).

Bobby:
OK Batman, if you say so.  I love your cape and cowl by the way.  Adds mystery.

Jenks:
Who da #$#$ are you talking to?

Bobby:
Batman...

Jenks:
OK...like...OK...now you insulted Ryan Kalish which is an...insult.  Ya...OK.

Bobby:
Wow Jenks, Batman says you look like a beached whale!

Jenks
 Just measuring my waistline you...are you still talking to Batman?

Bobby:
He and Robin...oh wait...there is nothing between the two.

Jenks:
You are a NUTCASE!

Alfredo:
When do I #$#$#$ get to come on!!!!

John Lackey:
DOUBLE FIST!!!!

Bobby:
oh hey, it's John Lackey.  Hey John.  How's the beer!

(Jenks and John)
DOUBLE FIST !!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby:
Did you know Batgirl doesn't wear underwear?

Jenks:
You are INSANE man.

BObby:
She's RIGHT HERE!!!!

Jenks:
SHE's a FRICKIN DOLL.

BObby:
Only in this world.  She fights crime in her dimension.

John Lackey:
Ya see...ya see what we put up with.  The guys a nutcase!

Jenks:
I'm hungry.

Alfredo:
I'm mad.

Bobby:
I'm in love with Batgirl.

Jenks:
OK that's it for the Bobby Jenks show.  Join us next time as I become the biggest LOSER!

Bobby:
Aren't you already!

Bobby Jenks Show

Welcome to the Bobby #$#$ Jenks show with my special guests and my special beer.  Today we're celebrating beer week.  This show I'm gonna have my warm-up beer.

Ah...that should tide me over for five minutes but first my first guest is a HUGE all star and an all around great guy -- Josh Beckett!!!!!.

(John walks on stage before tripping over the cameraman.

Jenks;
Why'd ya do that Josh?

John:
Hey just doin' chicken and beer thing..oh man Bobby...beer without chicken.  That's why I brought a HUGE bucket of chicken!!!!

Jenks:
ARE YOU TRYING TO STARVE ME!!! That's like my warmup!  Gee!

Josh:
Hey what can I say...trying to lose weight.  Hey want this double cheese sausage burger deep fried in butter and wrapped in a double cheese pizza?

Jenks:
Oh man...I am so #$#$#$ HORNY!!!!!!!!!

Josh:
$#$ Jenks.  All you ever think of is food.  Ya want some of my burger pie?  I just had a little?

Jenks:
Oh that is so good!!!!  Yum, yum...man more more more!!!!

Josh:
hey calm down Bobby you're kinda gaining some weight here.

Jenks:
Ya well...oh man...Josh...I don't feel so good.  Can't I do a DL.

Josh:
You're out of baseball!!!!

Jenks:
No I meant...DELICIOUS LUNCH!

Josh:
Man Bobby...nice enjoying you're show man but...wait is that the...

Jenks:
You KNOW IT IS!

 Josh:
OH YA...

Josh and Jenks:
DOUBLE - LICIOUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenks:
I'm thirsty!

Josh and Jenks
DOUBLE FIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all for the Bobby Jenks show.  See you all tomorrow!

Bobby Jenks Show!!!!

HI EVERYONE.  Welcome to the Bobby Jenks show where we talk and chill out and enjoy some great beer.  Now, my first guest needs no introduction.  He's a beer drinker and a rabble rouser.  Please welcome JOHN LACKEY

(John walks on stage with two beers in hand).

Bobby and John together:
DOUBLE FIST

(Both sit down.  Bobby squirms in his seat trying to fit into it.)

John:
You should stay off the beer man...do the VOLKA!

Bobby and John together:
DOUBLE FIST

Bobby:
OK now.  What's happening with you?

John:
Just guzzling.  You know with the Red Sox you get paid to get #$#$#$.

Bobby and John together:
DOUBLE FIST

John:
I love the Sox.  The more money you make...

Bobby:
The less you do!

Bobby and John together:
DOUBLE FIST

(BObby then removes his shirt and leans back,)

Bobby:
OK, our next guest needs no introduction.  He's our own JOSH BECKETT

Bobby and John together:
DOUBLE FIST

(Josh wobbles on stage before crashing to the seat.  He looks smashed.

Bobby:
How are you Josh?

John:
Oh man.  I HATE the Dodgers. I have to actually WORK on that #$#$ team and the press is just as #$#$ bad.  #$#$.  I hate the #$#$ Dodgers. 

Bobby:
Should have stayed with the Sox and got some injury.  Heck look at Dice-K.  That man stinks when he's healthy but if he's hurt...

Josh:
I got ya. What ya really mean is...

Bobby and John and Josh together:
DOUBLE FIST

Bobby:
OK our next guest needs some serious introduction.  He's the Red Sox ever loving manager Bobby Valentine. (burp)

Bobby and John and Josh together:
DOUBLE FIST

(Bobby V. walks on stage and sits in the seat.

Bobby V.:
How are you guys?  I'm so glad to be here with a couple of total losers and one pathetic excuse for a pitcher.  You fat lazy guys...

(All three stare down Bobby)

Bobby V.:
Ha,ha...just a joke.  Ya that's me...one funny guy.

Josh:
Well their is ONE good thing about being with the Dodgers.

Bobby:
Seriously Bobby V. how in hell did you get to be a manager in the first place?

Bobby V:
Oh..#$#$34 if I know. 

John:
Hey Josh we doing stomach slamming or what?

The three pitchers get up and take their shirts off.  They slam into each other's fat bellies watching blobs of fat wobble on stage.

Bobby:
I shouldn't do that on a counta my back and all.  I wonder if I lost a bunch of weight and didn't get smashed and smash into cars and get arrested.

Josh:
That's too much thinkin.

Bobby and John and Josh together:
DOUBLE FIST

(Bobby V just shakes his head)

Bobby V;
Losers...

John:
I don't know Bobby.  I'm being paid millions and you're getting fired so how are we losers?

Bobby V:
Hey its not my fault of all the injuries and the pathetic set of players I have in September...gee I hope that wasn't demoralizing to the players.

Josh:
I'm an idiot and even I can see you're an #$#$#$

Bobby and John and Josh together:


DOUBLE FIST

(Bobby V. grabs a beer.)
Oh what the #$#$34


Bobby and John and Josh and Bobby V.  together:
DOUBLE FIST

Bobby Jenks:
That's all today for the Jenks show and remember!!!

(everyone)
DOUBLE FIST

New Fan Items to Buy...Family Fun!!!!!!!!!

Hello, I'm John Henry of the Boston Red Sox.  We feel that fan involvement is so important to enjoying the game of baseball and at Fenway Park we strive to achieve that goal with new and interesting products.  Take...the grab bag!

At Fenway Park our grab bags represent the finest collection of collectible items.  Our maintenance engineers pick through material we find appropriate items for our fans. 

THE BEST PART!

The best part is that you never know what you're going to find and at $250 a bag its a sure thing to keep your entire family awake at night sorting through these fine materials. 

Folks here at Fenway their is NO OTHER ITEM more talked about than official gear worn by the Red Sox.  We will be selling mystery gear worn by players such as Bobby Valentine, several maintenance engineers and of course players such as Bobby Jenks.  For example these socks were worn by a grounds crew person who lost his shoes in the mud.  At only $500 dollars this is a family friendly way to celebrate your team.

Want a toothbrush with style.  This particular won was used for cleaning...er...used by a famous mystery player after the game but you won't know who it is unless you buy the official Red Sox brush.  Every time you brush with this slightly used brush you're memories will be flooded with great moments such as when the Red Sox won the world series in 1918 and its only $45 dollars.

(Not responsible for bacterial infection if used.)

 Finally folks ever wanted to dry yourself off with a towel worn by the stars.  LOOK NO FURTHER.  This towel will give every family memories as it was the same towel used by the cleaning crew...err.. by ah...Jon Lester after his no hitter--- ya that's it.  Anyway at only $4500 you to will have a no-hit day.  Did I say that right?

Curt Schilling Explains Himself

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I am MAD.  What is Curt Schilling, THE Curt Schilling selling himself out to the All-Drug baseball game.  I had to find out so I screamed...er...called Curt and had a nice conversation with him against the backdrop of his home.

Joe:
Curt, we've known each other for a very long time but this is a new low.  How could you announce the All-Drug baseball game?  What were you THINKING?

Curt:
Joe, I like you.  You know that.  You're smart, you're compassionate about the game and most of all you invested in 38 Studios...

Joe:
(Well, I can't be that smart).

Curt:
The point is that I'm broke.  I need...oh that reminds me are we filming this?

Joe:
Ya?

Curt: (Turns towards camera)
Friends, have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling at the end of the month.  That's not a nice feeling...

Joe:
Curt, what in heck are you doing?

Curt:
Advertising my latest feminine care products...

Joe:
Oh for heaven's sake Curt.  STOP IT.  PLEASE.

Curt:
Look Joe, their are a lot of people out their struggling with facial beauty and that's why I'm promoting Mabeline...

Joe:
ENOUGH.  Curt...you're a baseball legend.  Act like it.

Curt:
I NEED MONEY!

Joe:
Curt, for goodness sakes, do what others do in your case.  They don't advertise skin cream and ...other things...

Curt:
You're right Joe.  And Finding Hardcore Porn can be a difficult thing so always look for the Curt Schilling label when you need some BSM or whatever you call it and...

Joe:
ALL RIGHT already.  Now Curt.  You are NOT selling this stuff OK.  You are doing to do these three things to get money:

Curt:
OK...

Joe:
1) Be respectable.  Advertise hard core alcohol like all sports professionals, preferably beer, Vodka, etc.

Curt:
Ya...I can do that.

Joe:
Start your own reality show.  Bring the cameras into your home.  Scream and yell at the TV or something.  Throw a lawnmower around.  Throw some furniture around.  Yell at the neighbors.  It's good TV and it will give you some DIGNITY.


Curt:
Hey I do that already.  Joe, you were always their for me.  I swear I'm gonna cry.

Joe:
Finally, appear on game shows.  Appear on TV shows like Law and Order SUV or whatever its called.  Appear on them as yourself -- if you can't act -- or, if you can, another character.  Appear in truck ads and local used-car dealerships.  Curt...FIND YOUR DIGNITY.

Curt:
Joe you saved my life.  If I had to advertise catherers on the air...

Joe:
Ya that's Bobby Valentine's gig.  OK Curt...you feel better.

Curt:
Ya...now about that money I owe you for 38 Studios...

Joe:
Oh I forgot about that.

Joe (turning towards camera)
Hello friends.  Have you had that not-so-fresh feeling at the end of the month....

All Drug All Star Game.

Good evening everyone, I'm Curt Schilling and welcome to the All-Drug All Star game where steroids and other enhancing drugs are not only legal...they are encouraged.  Just about any performance enhancing drug available is allowed in order to show that steroids are NOT dangerous.  This event sponsored by 'All Drug', makers of steroids and other enhancing drugs. 

It's a beautiful day out here in Wringly field where Roger Clemens will be taking the mound.  Properly juiced up, Roger says he will be throwing a 150 mph fastball for starters but he's got steroid user Manny Ramirez ready to pound the ball into left field.  Behind the plate is catcher Kelly Shoppach who says that steroids help him have 140 lbs of muscle.  Let's get started.

Roger on the mound aims the ball towards home plate. What concentration!  He winds up, he throws...

Oh his arm fell off.  Oh what a shame.  Roger was going so well.  Their cleaning up the mess now and picking up Roger's arm.  It's just so heavy from steroid use that their grabbing several people now to pick it up. What a shame, I really wanted to see Roger's fastball in action. 

Oh more trouble.  Manny taking some practice swings while ready and his arms fell off.  They just tore off from his body.  Wow, those steroids are doing their job all right.  Manny is in pain on the ground now.  Kelly Shoppach is trying to head over but having problems with two dislocated hips from steroid use.  Wow, we have a spokesperson from 'All Drug' who is going to answer some questions.

'First, let me say that the use of steroids is perfectly safe and reasonable even from teenage athletes...'

"Their arms came off their bodies...that's safe.'

'We at All Drug feel that improper use of steroids can lead to dangers.  We are asking for responsible use of our drugs.  For example, the maximum usage is one tablet per day while most players were taking one bottle or 100 tablets per day.  While we encourage such usage under extreme conditions we do not recommend it for daily usage.'

That's a load of CRAP.'

"yes it is but we're also sponsoring this game AND paying your inflated salary...'

'I see your point.  Ya go steroids.  I'm Curt 'All Drug' Schilling'

Bobby Valentine's Endless apologies

Hi, Joe Derive.

Have you seen a pattern from Bobby Valentine this year?  I think so.

Step 1:
Bobby Valentine sets up and flames the public with some acerbic comment and then one day later apologizes.  After a while, it gets tiring.  Let's look at some of our favorites:



Josh Beckett...in May



Bobby:
Beckett takes a thousand years between pitches.  What kind of attitude is this?

Josh Beckett:
Bobby, would it be all right if we talk to each other for a second or two?

Bobby:
Do we have to?

Josh:
It's OK Bobby, I just want to thank you for those nice comments.

Bobby:
Oh, OK!

After Beckett 'talked' to Bobby, Bobby came in a few minutes later with a black eye and said this:

Bobby:
Beckett's strategy is amazing.  Ah...what I meant to say was that his strategy throws off hitters and makes him a superstar.   Anybody have an ice pack?

Kevin Youkilis in May

Bobby:
Kevin doesn't have the energy and passion for this game.  It's off and until its on he really is gonna struggle.

Kevin:
Ah Bobby, I have no idea what you just said. Can you come here and say it straight to my face so we can better understand each other.  I feel its better for us as a team.  You know, no hard feelings of course.

Bobby:
OK, that sounds fine.

After the two talked for a few minutes, Bobby walked back with his head sagging to the floor.

Bobby:
What I meant to say was that Kevin has TONS of energy and I have NO idea how the media somehow contorted my words.   Stupid liberal media!

John Lackey in June

Bobby:
John Lackey's name is appropriate. He's a total #$#$#.

John:
Hey Bobby, can we talk a second.  I have a question for you.

Bobby:
Oh #$#$

John Lackey;
It's no big deal, Josh and I want to help you understand something about atomic energy fields.

Bobby:
OK.


Bobby came back in, torn shirt, scratched up and said this:

Bobby:
John's intensity is a great example for all of us.  I love John and Josh Beckett.

Dustin Pedroia in July

Bobby:
Dustin is a great player but he's his own worst enemy.  He needs to rest and heal from an injury.

Dustin.
Bobby, it's that time again.  You know!

Bobby:
OK Dustin...I'll come back there but please not my wrist.  I'm tired of it getting broken.

Dustin:
No prob Bobby.  We have lots of bones we can break.

Bobby returned a few minutes later hobbling and cradling his arm. 

Bobby:
Dustin playing through an injury is his finest attribute.  I love Dustin because I now know what its like to play through an injury...or two.

Things were quiet in August but it came up again in September.

Bobby towards the team in September

Bobby:
This team is the worst in Red Sox history.  I have NO idea what the problem is.  My entire team is crap and they don't even give a damn.

(Entire team)
BOBBY!!!!

Bobby:
Somebody help me!

We watched Bobby being grabbed by the entire team.  The screams hurt my ears let me tell you.  I waited till the paramedics patched him up.  Bobby walked back in, well actually was rolled in on a wheel chair.  The team stood around him as he was wheeled in.

(The Team):
What Bobby would like to say, if he could was that this team is in charge and the manager is really just a figurehead.  We rule and we want to thank Bobby Valentine for allowing us to take out our aggressions.

I'm Joe Derive...

John Henry NOT selling team

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. 

John Henry denied today that he was selling the Red Sox.

John:
It's not true.  While the Sox are a great investment in a dynamic team with winning potential, we are NOT, and I repeat, NOT taking offers.

Joe:
So the team is NOT for sale?

John:
Not at all.  We are committed to the Sox and to their future. This is a great francise that can offer a substantial profit to a potential 'NOT' buyer.  I want to also mention our proprietary software and the legend of Fenway Park.  Yes sir...NOT that I'm selling but I envy ANYONE who wants to buy this team...today...please.

Joe:
So its good to know that the Sox are in good hands with you.

John:
Yes...we take Visa or Mastercard or a company check.  If, say, hypothetically the Sox do sell...NOW...I will be terribly depressed.  All this time away from this great francise and the great Boston press...oh man I'm giddy.  Anyway, no, we're not selling.

Joe:
Their are rumors that Liberty Medical wants to...

John;
SOLD.

Joe.
Ah...just a rumor...

John:
Of course...yes...not selling. 

Joe:
And the rumor that...

John:
SOLD:

Joe;
I didn't even tell you the name of the company!

John:
Right...sorry...great team.  No headaches here.  No, at my age I enjoy being torn up in the press, ripped apart, rumored, smeared while my team goes into flames with a dolt of a manager.  Ya, great,  love it.  Ya why in hell would ANYONE want to sell this team right!  First their is Manny Ramirez then Dice-K then Eric 'GAG-ME' then Julio Lugo then this fiasco of a manager who can't keep his #$#$ *@#@ SHUT.  Then of course I say anything and the #$#$ press is all over me.  Sure, I say hello and it makes headlines that John Henry doesn't smile enough.  I'm TIRED OF THIS TEAM.  Sell this #$#$#$ 345343@#@ @#@#@#@# NOW.

Joe:
OK...right.

John:
Sorry, not for sale.

I'm Joe Derive.

Bobby Valentine talks to the press

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  I think its pretty clear now that Bobby is NOT going to be the manager next year for the Red Sox.  How do I know?  Listen to his press conference.

Bobby:
I'm glad to be here.  Despite the fact we've won like two games in 50, I feel like a turnaround has happened for me.

Joe:
Mr. Valentine, what do you mean by that.

(It's then that things went a LITTLE crazy)




Bobby:
Well you know folks, I've been using a catherer for about 30 yrs now and while it's not fun, Liberator Medical has made my life a WHOLE lot easier.  They come pre-lubed for easy insertion and with a bacterial ointment, I feel confident I won't get a nasty infection and flare up and that makes life so much easier for me.

(I know...can it get any worse)

Bobby:
So call Liberty Medical today for a free trial offer.  Buy one catherer and get one free. 

(We all stood their dumbfounded.  I was sick to my stomach.)

Bobby:
Ya Joe.

Joe:
Ah...sorry...ah...what about the performance by Felix Dubront?

Bobby:
He was really great.  He showed us that his stuff is there and he can be a competitive pitcher.  I just wish I would have won the game.  Nevertheless I was really nervous and it didn't help my eczema.  Fortunately their is Compost scented Eczema creme that has a light touch of fungi.  When I get skin rashes from using men's diapers I find it creates a soothing feeling and it's got natural vitaman E for good skin and a healthier me.  So folks, run down and get compost scented Eczema creme and you'll be a better you.

Joe:
Ah Bobby...can we skip the commercials.  Most of us haven't had dinner yet?

Bobby:
Oh sorry.  It's just with diaper rash that often creates an irritating oozing skin condition in me, I need "Butt Paste'   It's a creme that coates and soothes my skin preventing the rash used when wearing an adult diaper -- or as I like to call it -- the 'accident prevention policy'.  The creme doesn't burn and within 5 days I find myself feeling like a new man...and that's why I don't sit during most games and have a hard time controlling my temper.  Whew...fortunately their is:

Joe:
ENOUGH...I can't take it anymore.  You're like the ad campaign for the channel I will NEVER WATCH.  You're INSANE...

Bobby:
Have I mentioned the oozing...

Joe:
No and I'm Joe Derive.

Bobby V. gets the 2012 Dunce award

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  It's that time of year for the DUNCE award and once again it can only go to our favorite manager -- Bobby Valentine.  The tension in the air between Valentine and Alfredo is growing and its of course, from a media point of view, its something I love.


When Bobby Valentine got out of the dugout to remove Alfredo Aceves from Wednesday's game against the Yankees, Alfredo  stood on the opposite side of the mound from his manager. Once Chris Carpenter started to make his way in from the bullpen, Aceves veered behind the mound as he walked back to the dugout, never walking by Valentine and never talking to him.  Ya gotta love it!

Meanwhile, back on August 24, Aceves blew up in Valentine's office because he wasn't used in a closing situation. The next night, he was suspended for three games. Upon returning to the team -- Aceves flew out to the West Coast on his own -- and that lost him the closer's role. I LOVE IT.

I asked Aceves what he thought:

"That's what you say. No, I was there," Aceves said. "I was standing up. I didn't have 
the baseball with me, so what am I going to do? I'm going to go away from the field. What am I going to do?"

 Oh man that was pathetic. Might as well have said that I had itchy underwear and needed to get back to the dugout.  This is great. 
 
I had to ask -- you OK?

"I'm good, yes, thank you," said Aceves. "I'm good. Ask him if he's good. I don't know."

Oh ya...now this is the stuff that keeps my column filled.  Yes!

"I'll have to look at it [on video], and who cares if he showed me up," Valentine said. "If I have to explain Aceves' actions, I'll wind up going across the river and work for Harvard."

So understanding the psychology of a Alfredo requires a Harvard education Bobby?  I just hope you know which shoe goes on what foot in the morning -- or does that require a Harvard education?

Congratulations Bobby!

Bobby says Goodbye!

Things are NOT going well for Bobby Valentine.  After being fired and having Manny Ramirez appointed manager.












Bobby Valentine spoke to Ben Cherington today but it was to no avail.  He was gone replaced by Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling and of course the great Bobby Jenks.  All three waved goodbye to Bobby.  Ben had this to say:

(Photo of Ben Cherington talking to his shoe)


Ben:
'We're very excited about Manny Ramirez. Due to the frustrationg they all felt we are using the entire salary savings that we got from selling off Adrian Gonsalez and Carl Crawford to pay for Manny and Curt's salary.  Bobby just wanted unlimited passes to adult bars so he was easy but the others...not so easy.




Manny:
I'm very excited about working for the Sox.  They pay me tons of money and when I start managing I'm going to be great.  Right now I have to take a vacation as the strain of the press conference and lack of custom headphones wore me out.  Whew!  I'm glad Larry is going to pay me till it hurts.

I'm Joe Derive...GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

Sox pick new Manager...FINALLY

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and the Sox have fired Bobby Valentine and picked up their new manager.  I'm sitting here watching Larry Luch and Ben Cherington smile at the cameras -- actually Ben just stares.  I think its the medication.

Larry:
Thank you for coming.  John Henry couldn't be here as he was captured by the evil Lex Luthor and is fighting for his life battling the Legion of Doom on the Hanna Barbara alternate universe.  Fortunately Batman and Robin are on the trail.

Ben:
That's right.

Larry:
So let's not waste time.  We'd like to thank Manny Ramirez and Bobby Jenks for accepting the manager and pitching coach positions so without further ado....

(OH #$#$....are they serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Manny:
Hey everyone.  WOw, what a great feeling to be back in Boston.  I am so excited.  I love it here.  I'm going to do great. Bobby and I are awesome.

Bobby:
Hey where are the girls?


(I'm going to be sick!)

Larry:
Don't worry folks...these guys have promised to keep their heads on straight and their focus on the game.  Manny is over his various drug and steroid related charges and Bobby is over his hit and run and drunk driving.  They're...fine.  Besides if their is a problem, we'll send them into the Joker's lair.

Joe:
Ah...Larry...are you mentally competent?

Manny:
Hey watch it Joe otherwise I'll punch you in the head. I have experience hitting people you know.

(My head hurts)

Larry:
Also Curt Schilling with be our bench coach.  He's calling us from his home now that he's bankrupt its hard for him to travel.

Curt:

I'm really looking forward to working for the Red Sox.  While Manny is a complete loser and Bobby Jenks has his $#$#$ up his #$#A#$ and Larry's brain is a peanut and the Red Sox organization makes me puke I need the money.







Larry:
Curt is really a team player.  He and Manny and Bobby are great.  They will get along together. 

Bobby:
Curt, where are the girls baby! 

Curt:
I'll take a bat and stick it up your #$##$ and you'll....


Manny:
I cut you up Curt.  You idiot.  I'm going to break your bones.  I HATE Boston and I hate the media and they are tired of me.  It's been 10 minutes and they all #$#$#$

Larry:
Calm down Manny. We support you and we love you and we'll pay you even more money.

Manny:
Oh, OK.

Curt:
I want more...MORE MORE MORE.

Bobby:
I want more girls!  Give me Tina Fey.  I want more girls.

Manny:
Ya I'm a family man and I won't allow this type of behavior and if you guys don't stop I'll smash your cars with my sledgehammer.

Curt:
Ya, I'll bash your teeth in if you had any.  You got the (censored)...

Bobby:
I'm taking off my shirt so the girls can appreciate my manly presence.  Oh ya...that's good.

Manny:
Oh #$#$ you are one fat pig.

Curt:
For once I'm in agreement.

Larry:
As you can see the type of comic lightness that this team brings with energy and enthusiasm.  I'm really looking forward to the Sox going to the world series.

Bobby:
Ya...now the pants...oh ya...

Larry:
Once Bobby Jenks gets out of jail for indecent exposure and Manny for slugging a security guard and Curt for stealing his wallet, I'm sure we'll have a great and dynamic team next year.

I'm Joe Derive and I'm a Yankee fan...I think.

John Farrell talks to Joe Derive

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.

Today John Farrell FINALLY talked to me about what's going to happen to him and the Blue Jays. Notice the great photo on the left.  Farrell likes to dress up in a Star Trek uniform while planning meetings as it makes him feel more insane.

As you know the Sox wanted Farrell to take over after they dumped --- err...after Tito Francona left the Red Sox. 

If the Red Sox decide that Valentine — who also has one year left on his contract — isn’t their manager beyond this season, the Sox seem to think a deal could be worked out with Toronto for Farrell -- why I don't know.  Farrell was a terrible pitching coach who destroyed John Lester and Dice-K with cutters and corner painting -- but what do I know.  I asked John.

“There’s a lot of speculation, obviously, but as I said last week in Toronto. I’m the manager of the Blue Jays. This is where my focus and commitment is. I’m under contract. That’s obvious,” Farrell said. “If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here today. At the same time, we’ve dealt with a lot of challenges ourselves. I can understand the natural connection, because I’ve worked here in the past, but my focus is clearly with the Blue Jays.”

I honestly have NO idea what John just said by the way.  Granted, I know he's all Blue Jay all the time but really.  Couldn't he express it better.  "I'm committed to the Blue Jays and if I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. "  I mean, you're under contract MORON.

I then asked him about Boston.

 “I don’t know that you can fully anticipate anything. You understand there are articles written, there’s things that are out there. With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

I got that John.  Do you have that statement on loop?  Hey John, how's your family?

"With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

John, did you hear that the stadium is on fire and you'd better get out in a hurry.

"With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

 John, did you know a meteor might crash into earth and destroy it.

"With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

 THOUGHT SO!  If Farrell stayed in Toronto, would he want assurances beyond next season, asked Gordon Edes of ESPN Boston?


"With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

John then went on to blab some more.

“Any place is going to have its own uniqueness to it. Managing is an honor. It’s a challenge at the same time. Different positions have different sets of challenges that are connected to them. Regardless of where you are, the focus remains on your task and duties at hand and doing the best job that you’re capable of at the time and that’s my focus right now, the challenge the Blue Jays have to face. With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."
"

Obviously, managers in Boston are under tremendous scrutiny. 

“I’ve never managed in Boston. I’ve only managed in one place, and that’s right here in Toronto. My focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform. With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

 More on empathizing with Bobby V.

“As a manager, yes. We’ve had a lot of the same situations unfold, and it’s not easy. Its definitely not easy. We come in here today with a rotation that’s mapped out, and yet you come into the ballpark, you’re waiting for the next phone call, and in this case it’s J.A. Happ is out for the year. Not are you on Plan A or B; right now both teams are on Plan T or U. That’s where we’re at. With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform. My focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."


(I'm gonna take a nap now...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

I have to wonder what everyone sees in this guy.  Anyway, I asked how much does Farrell enjoy managing?

 “I love it. It’s an honor to be in the position entrusted with the team, to run a team at field level, and that’s never taken lightly. I can’t wait to get to the ballpark every day. With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."


Obviously, Farrell still has ties in the Red Sox organization.

“I had the fortunate ability to work closely with guys that I respect and guys that we have history even prior to working here in Boston, whether it was Mike Hazen and I running the farm system in Cleveland..."


Sorry, I stopped listening after a while.


"...With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

I then thanked John for his time.  He didn't say goodbye.

"With respect to everyone involved, my focus is right here in this dugout in this uniform."

I'm Joe Derive....ARNIE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Henry and Larry

John Henry called Larry to his office.  A large poster stood in front of him.

John:
So you're telling me, you told Joe Derive of the Boston press...that the...ah...JUSTICE LEAGUE is battling Darkseid...for...what!!!!

Larry:
Come on John.  Look at it this way.  There is no way to PROVE that this isn't going to happen is it!  Hu, didn't think of that did you!

John:
No sane person would!

Larry:
Come on.  This is a deadly battle.  Even the Fantastic Four will be there.  I'm looking forward to a Thing/Darkside battle.

John:
Darkseid...NOT DARKSIDE! 

(John pressed the button. )

John:
Ben...get in here!


(Ben comes charging in and sits down on the floor missing the chair.  He gets up and sits down again on the floor missing the chair.

John:
Just...stay there...Ben.

(John pauses)

John:
Are you supportive of this superhero thing?

Ben:
That depends on the superhero.  If we are going to defeat Darkside we need Superman and Green Lanturn.  Batman is not qualified...

(John slams desk)

John:
Enough from both of you. This is a first place team...

Larry:
Last place...

John:
First place team.  I checked the standings and the Red Sox are in first place.

Ben:
Actually chief, you're looking at 2007's listings.  We..ah...didn't want to get you too upset but really, if you take the reciprocal of the number they are in first place.

John:
You scare me Ben.

Ben:
Because I did such a thing.

John:
No, because you knew what reciprocal was.

(John sat down and rubbed his face)

Larry:
I only did the right thing here John.  If anyone gets killed looking at Hawkgirl that could be great danger.

John:
Who in hell is Hawkgirl???

Larry:
Oh where do I start.  I'm starting to sweat already...ah.

John:
All right, all right.  Both of you.  There will be NO more MENTION Of the Justice League battling Darkseid in an alternate dimension or my name is Jason Gabbard.

Kason:
IT'S KASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  KASON GABBARD.  How many YEARS are we going to do this!

(John, Larry, and Ben look around.)

Larry:
John this is critical.  Superman has not defeated Darkseid yet and Darkseid is the stronger of the two.

Ben:
Now just a minute Larry.  Superman has the entire Justice League with him and I'd give Green Lanturn, Supergirl, Superman and Wonderwoman anyday...against Darkseid.

John:
THEY DON't EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(John gets up)

John:
There will be no more talk of the Justice League or Darkseid.  The game is OVER.

Ben:
Hey Larry, have you ever seen the Batcave?  Does Robin really wear that crazy uniform?

Larry:
Not really.  He wears a...

John:
ENOUGH.  Both of you back to your offices and get some work done before I go insane!

Sox don't want fans at Yankee series

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and apparently Larry Luchionno wants all fans to stay home for the entire Red Sox/Yankee series  Here's the insane reason why:

Larry:
Unfortunately the game that featured the people from the DC universe who came to visit and enjoy a nice evening at Fenway park also caught the attention of Darkside and his forces of evil.  There will apparently be a long battle in the next three games between the two opposing forces -- in another dimension -- but there is the real risk that the battle will ensue in Fenway park.  We BEG fans to stay away at ALL cost.

Apparently this is an actual picture of Darkseid (not DarkSide as dumb, dumb Larry calls him) ready to destroy Fenway Park battling Superman and the entire league of heroes.

Joe:
So the fans can't see the actual battle.

Larry:
No...only the players can so they know when to get off the field like when Darkside uses his Anti-Life equation to destroy the stadium.

Joe:
(I must confess at this point that I was completely at a loss to explain his insanity.

Larry:
I think the fans will appreciate the fact that they are using Fenway park as the battleground for the fight for control of the universe.  Yankee fans should enjoy it as well.  If Fenway park does get destroyed it will be in another dimension so I'm not worried.

Joe:
So...ah...actually I have no idea what I'm going to ask next except have you been taking your medication and if not...why?

Larry:
Ha, ha, that's good Joe.  Look, really, this is an epic battle.  We'll have Wondergirl, Batman, Superman, Supergirl, Superdog, ah..Batboy, Waterman, Sunman, Dryman, Wetman and all of them battling the evil Darkside.  Going to be epic but because of the dangers to public health we're asking fans to stay away.  I might add Bobby Valentine might be permanently killed in the battle but we are looking for another manager to replace him.

Joe:
So...you're letting the grounds crew here.

Larry:
Yes

Joe:
You're letting the television crew here?

Larry:
Yes.

Joe:
Security, janitors, electricians, vendors...

Larry:
Vendors are especially important because when you're taking over the universe, a well balanced diet of popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs, cotton candy and crackerjack are an essential part of a good nutritious diet rich in proteins and vitamins and essential fatty acids.

Joe:
What are you talking about??????????

Larry:
The important thing is that anyone who shows up does so at their own expense.  We cannot guarantee their safety once Brainiac tries to turn everyone into zombies.  However, we have talked to both teams and they feel they are in no danger.

Joe:
How can you play a ballgame while an epic battle is going on between good and evil.  That's insane?

Larry:
You can if you are doing it in two universes.  We'll have the electronic scoreboard running all the time so fans can witness Superman battling Darkside.

Joe.
You just told them not to show up yet somehow all of this makes perfectly logical...sense to you?

Larry:
Every last bit.  This is the same mind that got us such greats as Carl Crawford, Eric Gagne, J.D. Drew, Julio Lugo and other great ballplayers.

Joe:
(Well at least that answers that.)

Joe:
So they'll only battle during the Yankee/Red SOx games?

Larry:
When the two teams meet, it provides enough energy to open up the portal to the universes bridging them using the flux capacitance of the multiuniverse bridge.  It's really complicated science.  I don't expect you to understand it you know.

Joe:
I'm not sure Larry understands it either.

Larry:
OK, I should go.  I'm pressing Batman's cape. He has to look his best when he battles Bait...or is it Bane...anyway I have to go.

Joe:
To the mental hospital.  Of course the real reason is that Larry doesn't want the fans to see the Red Sox be destroyed by the Yankees.  I'm Joe Derive. 

Red Sox Sell Outs

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  This was the image last night -- an EMPTY park.  How was this possible?  I asked Larry Luchionno in an exclusive interview.








Joe:  Larry, how can you have a sellout crowd...with empty seats?

Larry:  I understand fan's confusion.  The reality is that that night was superhero night at the park.  We hosted the entire DC league of amazing superheroes and we're just so excited for the fans.   It really filled up most of the stadium.

Joe:  Where were they?

Larry:  They were there.

Joe:  Where?

Larry:  In the seats...I mean I don't understand the question. 

Joe:  I...only saw empty seats.

Larry:  Oh that's right.  Our multi-dimensional glasses, available at the Fenway Park store is the only way you're going to see them as they are from another dimension.  Our normal vision can't pick them up without the glasses.  Fans can pick them up for $24,000,000 and they then can enjoy talking with and hanging out with the likes of Superman, Batman, etc.

Joe: Ah...I didn't see them at the store.

Larry:  Oh the Justice League asked us to not sell the item that particular night since they all decided to take off their masks.  I mean, you can't reveal the identity of Batman (whispering -- it's Bruce Wayne by the way, but don't say I said it.)   I mean they want their privacy.   You know how it is.  Everybody wants to have a beer with HawkGirl.  Personally, I prefer Huntress.  Just my opinion.

These are the only images we have of HawkGirl and we have Huntress.  I'm sure you can tell the difference.  (Hawkgirl has wings) The problem is -- They're NOT REAL!

Larry: I sense you're at a loss.  Believe me, ask any of the vendors and they'll tell you that, for instance, Superman ate 354 hotdogs and twelve bags of peanuts.  He needs his energy to fight Brainiac and.,..


Joe:  Larry...listen to me.  The park isn't selling out anymore.  That's to be expected.

Larry: It IS selling out.  We're just expanding our market.  Believe me.

Larry also provided for us a photo of Superman.  Apparently he was visible BEFORE he went inside Fenway park.

Joe:  Larry, how can you possibly sell hotdogs and peanuts to characters from another dimension?

Larry:  That's a problem but with the dimensional portals, provided to us by the evil Darkside, it wasn't that bad.  Our vendors sold them the peanuts and popcorn then transported back to our dimension.  They really liked, by the way, selling to Flash -- he's a quick spender...get it?

Joe:  (I got it Larry -- you're insane!!!!).   Ya, got it Larry.

Larry:  Be sure to join us tomorrow for Marvel day.  Spiderman is throwing out the first pitch.

We'll until that moment happens, Larry wants you to know that tickets are available for all games.  If you need say, three tickets, buy 4 or 50 because they're are plenty of empty seats. 

I'm Joe Derive.

Yankees Promise Mercy

Hi, I'm Joe Derive from New York City trying to cope.  I'm here eating my bagle and enjoying being away from Fenway Park.  As you know the sellout crowds continue.  I think I counted about 100 people at the last game but I was assured by Red Sox management it was sold out by the paranormal ghosts and goblins as well as alien visitors enjoying a night at the ballpark.   I am also told next home game the Sox welcome the invisible pokadot dragons which apparently sold out the entire bleachers and right field sections of the park.   They also told me that the Klingons and Romulans as well as Yoda will be attending the game.  Sadly only 10 seats will be available but Sox fans can get them for free.  You won't actually see the Klingons and Romulans as they will be invisible due to being from another dimension so don't think the ballpark is really empty -- because its not.

It's been an interesting time at the old ballpark.  Fenway has lost more games than I can count but with the Yankees coming into town they had this to say.

Joe Girardi: 'Our team is very tired after fighting to stay alive with Baltimore on our tails so I told the guys to limit their automatic wins to no more than 10 runs per game.  We're a compassionate juggernaut and its hard not to feel sorry for Bobby Valentine. '

Mark Texeria:  "I enjoy Jon Lester since he throws that pathetic cutter of his that's so easy to send over the fence.  Gonna be a good time.'

Jon Lester had this to say in response: "Mark is always looking for a fastball so I'm gonna give him my pathetic cutter.  Let him TRY to hit it out of the ballpark.  I dare him because I'm going to mow him DOWN.  Ya, that's right.  He's done for...oh ya and I love my new Chevy Truck and invite all people to head down and get one of their own -- assuming they have money to burn like I do .'

Ya, it's going to be interesting.  Naturally Bobby Valentine had to get in there.

"I'll beat the living crap out of any Yankee in that park with a lead pipe.  Ha, Ha.'

Somehow I think the media is going to cut out the 'ha, ha' and run with the rest.  I'm sure John Henry will have this to say in response.

John Henry: 'We support the great challenges that the Red Sox have faced this year and look forward to seeing them in the playoffs as they have a great record, are in first place -- they are in first place right?  -- and we love both our team and our fans. '

Ya John, just try to stay in touch all right.

Meanwhile, I asked Alfredo Acves what his thoughts were but he had nothing to say.  However, Nick Swisher had this to say.

Nick Swisher. ' I love hitting Boston pitching.  It's so easy lately.  They used to be tough but right now I could do it with earplugs and headphones and as a matter-of-fact I think half the team is gonna do that just to have fun.  Maybe we'll throw underhanded.  Hey Dice-K, we're ready for you and your famous home-run ball and your ground-rule-double ball and your base-hit ball.  Gonna be fun.

I'm Joe Derive and I need some stomach relief.