Thursday, August 16, 2012

He Fried his BRAIN

Hi, I'm Joe Derive with the latest scoops and will dish out...oh I hate that promo stuff.  Look I hate my job lately so let's get to it.


DAY 1

First, I interviewed Larry Luchionno or however you spell his name and asked him one question -- is Bobby Valentine going to get fired.  What do I get?

He basically said that the Red Sox will not fire Bobby Valentine this season and while this may come as a downer to most of Red Sox nation, I did ask what about next year.

He said, 'Hey Joe, have you tried the spare ribs down the street.  They are the best."

I then told him I did not try the spare ribs down the road and asked again the question about 2013.

"Next summer I plan to take a vacation up north.  Should be fun."

I then asked him the question a third time and he said this.

"What clue have I not given you Joe that tells you I won't answer that question.  Are you that big a moron?  You #$#$ #$#$ @##%$#$...."

NEXT DAY

I interviewed Bobby Valentine.  I asked him what he thought of this mess.

'I think they're are some chemistry tweaking that needs to happen to enable this team to win games.'

I then asked him what in the world he was talking about.  I then waited for several minutes until I saw a slow and steady stream of smoke rise from his brain.  I felt really bad. 

"Dammit Bobby, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to fry your brain.'  I felt so bad.  Watching him drool all over himself while what little of gray matter sizzled in the background broke my heart.  Fortunately I could heat up my coffee using the top of his head. 

NEXT DAY

I then met with Dustin Pedroia who offered to me a nice private session with him.  We talked about a lot of things...while he was texting Adrian Gonsalez.  Too bad he didn't know I was tapping into his message queue and reading it.  Ha ha.

"I think Bobby is a fine manager Joe and he's done great for the team."

Then I read his text message on his phone using my special phone.

#Bobby is a load of manure and I want to spread his pieces on the field#

Great, I thought.  I then asked him about John Henry and management.

"NO they are great people who care about the team. It's our fault that we're not playing well."

Of course what he was texting was:

#John Henry and crew are a pile of manure that should be spread out on a field#

Finally I asked him how he felt about himself.

"I'm just a plain old ballplayer trying to help my team win."

Texting he said.

#I am God's gift to baseball and people should bow down and worship me.#

That was when I decided to take a break and head out to Arnie's for a beer...of seven.  Maybe John Lackey can help me drink it.   Lifting beer might help him in his rehab.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Why We Boo Our Team


If Josh Beckett had any sense of relief from his last game it was when he flew in the air and could now look down at Fenway park from the plane.  It looked so small now, tiny, toy like, but to Boston fans it was now the centerpiece of a city teeming with lights.  Logan airport, The Constitution, Freedom trail, Harvard, MIT, they all were their to make Fenway Park look even grander.  Fenway Park was the capital of Boston. 

Josh leaned his head back against the chair.  The chatter of the team fading in the background.  He would not read the papers or listen to the press.  He would only sleep.  He could only sleep.  How could he.  He was blowing game after game.  His velocity was gone.  He was no longer a power pitcher and this was a death to him.  He always was aggressive and forceful but being booed off the field over and over again was getting to him.  He hated it.  He really did.

"Hey buddy, got a light?"

Josh's eyes sprung open as he turned to his right.  Their in front of him was none other than Babe Ruth, the legendary Yankee that only smiled before gobbling down booze.  Josh looked past him to find nobody else on the plane.

"Worst part about being dead -- you really can't enjoy a good smoke or a good drink...no actually, you can't enjoy a good woman...now you got a light or not?"

"Am I...dead?" whispered Josh as he watched the legend laugh.

"Do you look dead?"

"How would I know?"

Babe put down his drink.  It looked like pure satisfaction.

"They give me moments like this to enjoy a good drink.  Satisfaction."

Josh watched as Babe adjusted himself in the seat.

"In my day, you drank, you smoked and you got paid -- not much mind you -- but you got paid.  Today, weights, steroids, press, I have no idea how you guys take it...then again, I like money too."

"Uh hu.'

Babe laughed and said, "if the fans could see you now...humbled by Babe Ruth.  Oh I like it.  Good headline and I liked good headlines.  I mean I could have been a legend in Boston but the new owner, I forget his name, didn't like me, didn't like my drinking and behavior and certainly didn't like me not wanting to be a pitcher...but New York did.  Biggest mistake of his life -- but hey, I got into the Hall Of Fame.  Not bad if you ask me."

Josh only nodded.

"Back in those days, fans in Boston expected a World Series -- but it ain't like today.  Today, it's a huge event.  Back in them days, heck, nobody cared like today.  Oh, how we forgot out history...speaking of which, you're in for a treat.  The big boys have decided to give you a little education about what Boston baseball is all about...for whatever reason.  Anyway, I gotta go.  Big date."

"Right, "said Josh wide eyed and rather terrified at this moment.

"Relax, she's gentle.  Anyway I gotta go.  "

Josh nodded and within a puff the great legend of his time disappeared and the plane returned to normal, fading into sharpness. 

Josh quickly grabbed the drink he had in his lap and shoved it to the right of him in the hands of a sleeping Dustin Pedroia.  He needed that drink.  He needed to get over the pain of the game.  It hurt so badly now.  He really needed it tonight.  He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

"Hey, wake up will ya. You modern baseball players take up enough space to fill up a ballpark.  Dammit. "

Josh looked over.  Sharp, crisp, and harsh, it was none other than Ted Williams.

"Oh God.'

"I ain't no god.  Boy you people.  I played ball in Boston.  Goodie.  Now I'm supposed to remind you that I got booed a lot when I played in the World Series and I hated sports writers.  Knights of the keyboard if you ask me.  I played hard in the 1946 series Josh but I had an elbow injury and that stupid shift they put on me didn't help.  I hated the fans and when I did my last at-bat, I wasn't gonna tip any cap at them.  Heck with them.  Hated Boston fans.  Obsessed with the game. "

'Uh hu.'

"Is that all you can say.  A man with your fat ego can at least use a verb. Don't ya know what a verb is."

"Are you always this way?"

"Hu, "chuckled Ted. "Guess I am kind of a crank but heck, I fought twice in both World War II and Korea and that was a hell of a lot more important than hitting home runs -- but nobody ever remembers that do they?  No, it's all about home runs.  Biggest home run hitter of all time."

"Ah actually it was average."

"I know that sorry excuse for a ballplayer Ruth gets that distinction -- or was it Aaron -- but no, now it's Bonds who had more juice in him than a Minute Maid factory.  Disgusting.  Cheat his way to the hall."

"Right...why are you here?"

"Because I hate baseball, the fans...but I did enjoy making commercials.  That was fun.  I like fishing did you know that?'

"Ya...I guess."

"Know your history man.  After they sold Babe Ruth the fans kind of stopped coming but Tom Yankee took over and turned the team around.  Sox almost beat the Cardinals in 1946 and then in 1967 but finally got it in 2004.  You would think the fans would have enjoyed that moment...but NO...its what have you done for me lately.  "

"Uh hu."

"Look kid, the fans should not have booed you...even if you stink as a pitcher and make more money than I ever made in a year.  It's baseball, its fun.  They should lighten up...but I guess they won't.  Anyway, I gotta go.  "

Josh nodded.  He closed his eyes and sure enough their was Dustin Pedroia snoring with the small bottle of beer in his lap. 

"Right."

Josh closed his eyes. 

"You awake."

"Hu, no...you're back."

"Ya, I forgot one thing.  In the 1950's the Sox became Ted Williams and the seven dwarfs.  African Americans, did I get that right?"  Ted paused and Josh nodded.  "Anyway, Tom Yawkee refused to sign a Jackie Robinson or a Willie Mays.  The 50's stunk for that team.  Now I gotta go.  Man I hate history lessons and I hate this plane.  You're so crammed in here like fish.  Speaking of which, got some fishing to do."

Josh nodded.  He looked out the window and then saw Dustin again.

"Hey kid...you doing OK?"

"Tony...you're Tony Conigliaro.  I mean...Tony C...wow."

"Well, if I can humble Josh Beckett, I can feel proud.  Did you meet Babe Ruth yet?'

Josh nodded.

"Did you meet Ted Williams?"

Josh nodded.

"Baseball legends.  Great stuff hu!"

Josh nodded.

"I would have been a legend but the ball bashed in my face and ruined my career.  I would have helped the Sox win the World Series in 1967 but I sat on the sidelines.  I never played ball again like that year.  I mean in 1975 when I was with the team, I couldn't see the ball as well and...well they sent me down to Pawtucket.  I was so angry at that.  I hated being in Pawtucket.  Then I suffered a major heart attack.  Not a great way to end a story hu.  Fans, oh they cheered me in 1975 and that was nice.  Boston by then loved their team. Ya see, when the Sox got the pennant in 1967, it sort of turned the fans around.  They love their team.  They loved everyone and everything about it.  From 1967 on...well the Babe Ruth curse started to come about and suddenly everyone loved baseball in Boston and hated the Yankees...well actually they really hated the Yankees after losing Babe Ruth...am I talking too much?"

"No, no...you're fine, "said Josh.

"Anyway, I love to talk about this.  From 1967 on...are you sure I'm not blabbering?"

"No...go on."

"After 1975 though...wow...the Sox were on the map.  They beat the Yankees, The Orioles and almost won the World Series against the Reds.  Many fans wondered if Jim Rice was aboard...instead of with a broken hand...would they have won it.  I mean, Fisk's home run...the most famous home run in all of history with the most famous game of all time -- game 6 of the World Series. "

"Listen...ah..."

"I know, "said Tony.  "Their is a point I'm making.  "  Tony leaned in and starred at Josh.  "The point is that once the Sox won in 1967, that changed everything.   Baseball became an obsession.  To come so close, ya know.  1975 cemented that idea.  Boston and baseball became one word almost.  Know what I mean? Fans care so much about baseball in Boston.  They're obsessed with it...but of course that all changed in 2004 right?'

"Wasn't there."

"Naw, but you know what I mean.  But I tell ya, 1986, that was a year to forget.  You can't write this stuff.  The Sox were one out away, one pitch away from winning that World Series and Bob Stanley, who is thanking Bill Buckner forever for this -- blew the game and tied it after they were two runs ahead.  Can you believe it.  But then 2004...that gave the fans what they wanted."

"2007 too."

"Ya, ya, I know, you were the hero to the team and saved them in that series.  Good job Josh...but anyway, after 2004, after that, fans kind of expected a World Series and they got it in 2007.  Then they expected the post season.  After all they spent enough on it.  Things have changed in Boston now.  Now its expected instead of hoped for.  "

"Tell me about it."

"Look Josh, as a player, know two things about fans.

1) Passion - you have to care about the game and play your heart out.  If you show you care, they care about you.

2) Accountability -- you have to apologize and be humble when you lose."

"Ya well, I hate to lose man.  I'm a competitor but I'm not about to apologize to fans.  "

"Show face, I can respect that.  That's just who you are.  Look, this is Boston Josh.  It's the way it is and it always will be.  Fans care about the game.  It's a tradition where they pass it from father to son.  To be a Red Sox fan is to be part of a culture, almost a sort of family tradition.  Just how it is.  Learn to live with it.  Fans care...bottom line...but I gotta go.  I've enjoyed talking with you Josh.  You just hang in their OK.  The fans care...they really do.  "

"Ya."

"Ya what, "snapped Dustin waking up and discovering the liquor.

"Josh you want to drink fine but not in my lap."

"You're not...Tony C."

Dustin gave a peculiar look and started sniffing.

"The bottle's still full and you don't look drunk. You OK?"

"Ya, "said Josh with a little smile.  "I'll be OK."

Josh leaned back and could finally sleep at last. He never did drink from that bottle.




Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Under New Management

If John Henry had any worries they were in the far distant past.  He would be addressing, well actually it was good-old-Larry, but who cares.  The Sox fired Bobby Valentine, their pitching coaches and their bench coach.  This was a new day. 

"Good morning, "said Larry Luchinano.  " I am pleased to announce the new management of the Boston Red Sox.  First, let us meet the new bench coach.  "

John smiled.  He only knew of the new manager.  He was excited about the new bench coach.  This would be a new day in history.  He and Ben both agreed on this.  This had to be good.

"Please welcome, one of the best shortstops of the Boston Red Sox, a team leader and someone that inspire and excite..."

John paused taking in a smile that swelled.

"Julio...LUGO"

John's smile disappeared and was replaced by sweat.

"Julio Lugo...are you out of your mind.' snapped John in Larry's ear but Lugo walked on stage.  The clapping faded with each second as Julio Lugo, the disaster of a free agent walked on stage.

"Thank you...I'm really glad to be here with everyone.  I'd like to thank...ah...these guys.  I don't know what a bench coach does but if its sitting down and stretching my legs -- I'm there."

John's jaw fell towards the floor.  He grabbed it quickly and tried to place it back in his mouth.

"Ah...just kiddin'.  I know what a Red Sox coach is all about and I want to be the best -- especially since I spent all my money on Curt Schilling's business and I'm broke.  Was I stupid or what.  "

John grabbed his face and tried to hide it moving slowly towards the shadows. Larry continued to speak as Lugo sat down on the floor missing the chair.  He squeaked like a girl then got up and found the chair before knocking over the water container.  As he tried to grab it he knocked over the microphone on the floor.  Lugo tried to grab it then went crashing to the ground falling on the water.

"I'm OK...yup."

"Well thank you Julio...but don't look now for we have our new pitching coach.  You know a lot of problems on the Sox but they will be solved by the SpaceMan himself -- Bill LEE"

"holy #$#$#$" shouted John Henry before he quelled his shock and walked off of stage.

Bill Lee walked on stage and smiled at the audience before sitting down and kicking his legs on the table.  Lugo was now properly sitting down thanks to some stage hands.

"Well, I never was an All Star, but I love the game.  I love baseball and I love the Red Sox..."

John sighed.  He felt better.

"Even if Ben Cherington is the biggest idiot on the planet.  I like to call him 'Stupid-light' in honor of his complete moron of a former boss Theo Epstein."

John felt himself unable to speak, think or communicate.

"Hey, its gonna change with Julio Lugo."

"You can't even change your diaper Lugo so shut up."

Bill relaxed.  The sweat on Larry's face shimmered against the spotlight.  Cameras went off flashing endless photos and everyone was texting.  Larry seemed to look like he had wet his pants.

"And finally...our new...manager..."

Larry whispered it so silently that John couldn't make out anything but as the bulky presence went on stage John saw the fireworks coming.  The liberal Bill Lee vs the conservative.

"Listen you flaming libtard -- move your ass or I'll move it for you."

Curt Schilling directed it firmly in Bill Lee's face.  Ben and Larry slowly edged towards the curtains.

"Doubt it Curt.  You the hypocritical corporate welfare queen who got an extra year on his contract while doing rehab, broke his game company and spent every last dime he ever had, owes Rhode Island a ton of money, and now will break the Red Sox.  Man this is gonna be fun."

Curt swung hard but Bill Lee ducked and the fist went directly into Lugo's jaw sending him to the ground.  Lee got up and smiled.

"Go on...make my day."

Curt cursed and swung again but again Lee ducked and Curt sent his fist into the microphone.  Curt let out a pile of obscenities that covered all the classics before he started to combine them to make new phrases -- which we can't repeat here.

"Had enough fat-girl."

Curt grabbed his glass and threw it in the air.  It flew past Bill Lee smashing near Bobby Jenks.

"What in hell!!" shouted both Curt and Lee.

"I'm the new assistant pitching coach.  Once I get out of jail I'll be a great asset to the team...wow when you mix Vadka and beer...it rocks."

Curt cursed the air.  John Henry saw the disaster.  Bobby Jenks who smashed his car up while drinking in a bar and running from the scene.  Why did we hire this guy!

"Of all the dump moves, you got lib-tard Lee and how...ah..."

"You're brain just can't handle two puns in a row can you Curt? " smiled Bill Lee.

"AHHH " screamed Curt.

"AHHH" screamed Bobby Jenks.

"What are you screaming for, " shouted Curt.

"I just done smashed my head with a beer bottle.  Just called to me.  Guess I need to make another public apology.  No prob -- I made some YouTube videos to cover all my stupid moves."

"Wow you made 1 billion videos Bobby? " snapped Bill Lee.

"You are asking for it you..." shouted Bobby Jenks as he ran forward with his wobbly stomach bouncing in the air. 

With that the three tore into each other as John Henry shook his head and thought about selling his organization to anyone who would buy it.




Monday, August 6, 2012

John Henry supports Valentine -- first draft



Dear Fans,

Hi, I'm John Henry.  You know, I've gotten a lot of questions about Bobby (I can't recall his last name at the moment...is it Smith...anyway) so I'll say the following on the record --to blame Bobby Valentine for the Red Sox being .500 at this point in the season is really a great idea and should be supported because it takes the pressure off of me.  Whew...but you know a  lot has been written about injuries to key players this year. The impact of that on the Sox this year should not be discounted and frankly if you want to blame it all on injuries -- that would make my life easier -- Go LIVERPOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 In baseball, managers often get too much credit and too much blame for what happens on the field but really that's OK since it takes the heat off of me -- GO LIVERPOOL!!!!!. There is often the thought in organizations, "This isn't working so the manager needs to go."  which is why we dumped Tito like a hot towel.  But of course an organization is much more than the field manager. We have the ball girl and ball boy, cleanup crew, the lightbulb changers, lawnmower people etc...and sometimes I think the grass is the problem on the field.   Let me say this -- we are not making a change in manager until the offseason when nobody is looking -- GO LIVERPOOL!

There has been no lack of effort from our players (OK there has been a LOT of lack of effort) and we have had a number of them playing hurt but some even when they play healthy really should not be proud of that when the strike out every single time at bat.  Now I want you to know that I watch every game of LIVERPOOL and the effort those players put in night after night is very clear to see...were we talking about the Red Sox...oh ya.

In regard to the notion that we have somehow not empowered Bobby, you should ask him directly about that -- actually don't because the man makes a total @#$#$ of himself every time he talks which is why we prefer he use American Sign Language or speak in Japanese.  The audience he will offend will be much smaller.

Now we have been nothing but supportive of Bobby something or other inside and outside of the clubhouse which is why we created a great rift with two pitching coaches.  Ah that always cracks me up.

And the notion that we are not present and not attending games is misleading to the public. Tom, Larry and I seldom miss home games because we get free hot dogs and beer which we need to get through the night.  During that Yankee blowout I downed a six pack.  Also, we seldom miss a telecast when on the road if we aren’t there unless I throw a hammer at the TV then we miss it.. This is a 365-day-a-year sport for us – as it is for Ben and for Bobby. Even when we are away we discuss issues daily like does Dark Knight Rises or Dark Knight better define Batman as a character or how about that Mars Rover!. Now just because we aren't answering any media questions doesn't mean we aren't on the job but boy that sounds really bad the way I put that.

Now our commitment to winning is now a distant past. While that was our focus we need to think staying at .500. We continue to have the 2nd highest payroll among the 30 clubs making us the laughing stock of the baseball world. We have been at this for more than 10 years in Boston, and winning is just as much our focus today as it was when we took over -- except its a lot harder now.


Larry -- look this over and see if its OK to publish.