Tuesday, March 27, 2012

All Right We're SORRY!

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and frankly this is getting SAD.  There is a rash of retractions and apologizing and other nonsense.  This is baseball.We have thick skins.

It all started with Jonathan Papelbon.  He said Boston fans are passionate but Philly fans know the game due to the national league rules of the pitcher which, of course, makes it a more strategy game vs a hitting game. So what does Jonathan have to do.

...I'm sorry.  No insult intended.  Of course Boston fans are smart, blah, blah, blah.

Who cares!  This is Papelbon.  Everything that comes out of his mouth is slightly off key.  So what!  Then comes a reporter for the Boston Globe stating that there is a rift between Valentine and Ben Cherington.  and Bobby Valentine. Now Bobby Valentine has to say:

I'm sorry...no rift. Blah, blah, blah...

But is that enough?  No, of course not.  Then comes John Lackey.  When asked about the beer in the clubhouse, John used the term 'retarded'.  So of course...

...I'm sorry...no insult intended.  Blah, blah, blah.

ENOUGH already.  Let's get a life here!  The newspapers are just getting out of control.  It's baseball, its Boston.  It's rough.  That's how it works here.  We are not so touchy-sensitive are we...

"I'm sorry...it was a bad move I made..."

Bobby Jenks...I am NOT talking to you after you wrecked Joe Derive's car at the parking lot.

"I didn't wreck your car Joe...did I?"

Well, ya didn't, but if ya did...I'd be upset, but since ya didn't...STOP apologizing.

"Sorry..."

Don't say I'm sorry...and don't say I'm sorry to I'm sorry.

"Sorry."

I'm Joe Derive...sorry but I'm going to bed now.    I'll have my retraction tomorrow for saying I'm sorry when I meant to say I'm very sorry.  Just kidding.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The News from Florida.

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  A lot has been happening in Florida -- some of it actually good.  With two pitches and an arm that gave up five runs, Daniel Bard says he's ready.

"Take away the five runs and this is a great performance.  I am the KING!"

OK, Daniel, that's like saying, take away the accidental explosion of the power plant and it was a complete success.  Can you say delusion?


Speaking of self-inflicted delusion, Bobby Jenks, everybody's favorite fall guy was arrested after smashing into two cars, getting drunk and leaving the scene of the accident.  Bobby said he was sorry.


"I'm sorry."

I said you were SORRY

"Oh ya, I'm really sorry.  That was bad.  "

Much better.  OK Bobby didn't quite exemplify himself in the eyes of management and all eyes are now desperate for Dice-K to return.  Did you ever imagine that one?  I said it again, everyone wants Dice-K to return.

"I really want to say again Joe, I'm sorry but I can't discuss an ongoing case..."

We got it Bobby Jenks OK.  I've moved on.

"Sorry."

Stop saying you're sorry OK!

"Sorry."

Anyway, other news includes that the Sox haven't won a spring training game in so long they look like the 67 Mets.  I mean the problem is they have no pitching.

'Our pitching is just great mainly because of me, Daniel Bard.  Take away my bad starts and my lack of three pitches and I'm the best arm on the team.  I want to be a starter.  It's less work."

OK will you guys please stop interrupting me. 

"Sorry."

Bobby, stop saying I'm sorry.  Can't you say anything else!

"I would but because of the ongoing case, I'm prohibited..."

Blah, blah, blah.  I'm Joe Derive.

"Hey I'd say something but since this its not an ongoing case..."

I'M JOE...help me.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Red Sox feel Delusion key to success in 2012

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and ARNIE...stop feeding me those delicious buttermilk pancakes dipped in heavy cream sauce...oh this is SO good.

Anyway, the Red Sox have now announced the full delusion campaign to kick off the season and guarantee a World Series title.  Here are some of the highlights.

Daniel Bard
"I have only two pitches and have serious control problems making me an incredibly ineffective starter but I am a starter and management is behind me as a starter and by golly I'm gonna do just fine because I'll develop many more pitches and fix my control problems and increase my velocity and its gonna be terrific.  If that doesn't work I have my great intelligence to fall back on.  Don't worry fans because even if my ERA is 24.93 and I give up say 80 runs a game I'm still better than anyone else on the team so relax fans.  It's all good. I want to be a starter not a team player and that makes me betterer.  "

David Ortiz
I may be 36 and have the legs of someone running in slow motion and constantly hit into a force out but you wait.  I'm gonna turn it around. I've been drinking milk fortified with calcium and vitamin A as well as vitamin water and that gives me the extra speed I need and it grows strong and healthy bones.  I predict .450 avg with 75 hr and 212 rbi's.  That's pretty realistic but if you don't think so I can give you even greater pretend.

Andrew Bailey
You could say I'm Papelbon lite and that would be a fair assessment.  I don't have his stuff or his personality and that is a problem.  I'm a downstep from Papelbon for sure...but wait!  I've been eating Flintstones chewable vitamins and drinking wheat grass juice and waiting for the planets to align themselves.  With that alone you should expect 100 saves and a fastball going at about 150 mph or so sort of like the Terminator.  I'll be back...no really that sounded just like the movie.  I'm not worried.

Bobby Valentine
I know I'm new and this is all a growing experience and we don't have the talent or the seasoning to cope...I'm not worried.  I keep looking around and around to find talent that gets us ready for the season and I keep coming back to me.  I mean when I see myself in the mirror I...easily see 100 games and a World Series title.  You really don't need a great team when you have Bobby Valentine because Bobby Valentine doesn't have great teams...Bobby Valentine makes them great and if not, I can always work for Fox as a commentator.  You think I was tough on the Red Sox before....YA...just WAIT!

Andrian Gonsalez
I'm a first baseman and its not my fault the Sox paid for a player with slow legs and a lousy attitude.  Actually now that I have that contract...I'm seeing myself hitting .500 with 50 hrs and 2000 RBI's and if I don't...what are you gonna do about it.  I mean its not like you can FIRE me.  I love you Scott Boras.  I love you Theo Epstein.  Oh...give me some attitude and can you say J.D. Drew?  Thought so!


I'm Joe Derive and we'll wait till NEXT YEAR.




Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Andrew Miller chewed out by Scott Boras


Scott Boras publicly screamed at player Andrew Miller after Miller walked off after three pitches with an injury.  The public altercation put Miller in his place and ownership was pleased with the screaming fest.

"This is the type of lecture that all players need before they climb the ladder of mediocrity, "cried Scott Boras.  "If a player is going to make it, he has to stay injury free until his large fat stupid contract. Then he can J.D. it.  Until then he has to stay healthy. "

J.D. it means to get injured often and long-term to avoid actually playing under that big fat contract.  Andrew Miller had only this to say.

"I was just practicing.  After J.D. Drew got the J.D. award for most injuries in a season -- Dick-K was second in votes, I wanted to warm up to that possibility.  You need practice in faking injuries.  I had no idea that this would backfire.  Ya gotta forgive me here."

Scott says it requires a lot of energy to make a player endure endless injuries.

"First their routine.  Less cardio and more weight to build up those inflexible bodies that easily rip and tear for a six month D.L. strain.  I tell players all the time, don't cardio -- weigh up instead.  Once you get the fat contract, think Coco Puffs and chocolate milk or some Twinkies and walk around with an attitude.  All of that will contribute to continued respect until you get your injury and still collect a paycheck."

Most managers and GM's know of the system.  Terry Francona had this to say.

"Well, we know it exists...you may not like it but its there.  For me, the most important thing was tap into minor leaguers.  They have to stay healthy where the big contract guys -- which Theo Epstein kept loading on me -- they have a different take. It's in their best interest to get hurt fast and often to avoid playing time.  I gotta tell ya that J.D. Drew was impressive.  He deserved the finger award for his injury talent. "

Theo Epstein had this to say.

"I can take a great organization like the Red Sox and cripple it and get a big fat job at the Cubs and get respect.  Hey did you get that Chris Carpenter giveaway.  Man our front office had a big laugh over that one.  Oh...are you recording this?"

I'm Joe Derive.

J.D. Drew accepts Scott Boras award!

With a packed audience of former free agents, J.D. Drew, formally of the Boston Red Sox accepted a lifetime achievement award in recognition of his contribution to bad free agency.  Drew, who stood with his family, welted tears as he spoke, clearly moved by the lauding claps of the audience.  Scott Boras smiled and stood up clapping and cheering.  It was a moving moment.

"This award...it...it clearly speaks to what is so great about baseball and Scott Boras.  Without him, I never would have had...I'm sorry...I'm just so touched by this."

Drew, who held the award -- a hand with one finger sticking up -- wiped tears from his eyes.

"Scott...you know...told me from day one...that I have no talent...but he has a way to make me...make me a superstar."

Drew then wiped more tears off using his tie as a tear clearer.  His wife smiled and hugged him.

"Scott said...do whatever you can to fake injuries and be sure to sign with Theo Epstein and both of those things created the J.D. -- a way for players to get paid boat loads of money and do nothing.  I gotta tell ya...when I said I had dizzy spells, I couldn't believe they fell for it but Scott reminded me that we're talking baseball management.  Then it all made sense."

Drew smiled at the audience and kissed his wife and children.

"My family has more money than it knows what to do with thanks to Scott Boras and I follow...I follow in the footsteps of Dice-K, Julio Lugo and others who work hard at staying injured. It means...it means everything to me to be here.  I love this community and I love you all.  Thank you."

Drew walked off stage to a standing ovation.  I'm Joe Derive and I'm depressed.

Dice-K Progressing well.

Dice-K is feeling great and showing a lot of electricity in his pitches.  When asked if he wants to continue at the end of his contract in Boston he had this to say:

"Fortunately, I have Scott Boras and he can sell Kroger half off mushrooms and convince you they're Italian Truffles so that's a big thing for me.  Also, now that I'm a multimillionaire for doing nothing, I want to continue that legacy so ya, I want to stay past my six years but first I have to con them ...err convince them into thinking I can pitch well before I go on the DL next year for a while. I really enjoy Florida for working out and getting paid to do it."

When asked if Bobby Valentine has been a good change for him, he had this to say.

"It's wonderful that Bobby is there for me.  He knows when I was at my best and he offers pointers to me.  If I don't like him, I can always J.D. it  (a coined term referring to going on the DL.  J.D. Drew mastered the technique).  I mean, I'm in the driver's seat not that I'm smug about it of course.  "


When asked if Valentine will make him a different pitcher, Dice-K said.

"I sort of retreated since they were always reminding me that I had to earn my keep.  I pointed out, look at J.D. Drew or Julio Lugo for example.  The Sox are known to buy players so they can sit out on the D.L.  I thought that's how it works here. If you're actually talented you play hard and then you relax once you made your millions.  This confused me at first but then I saw the benefits. "

I'm Joe Derive...






Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Joe Derive's late night

Hi, I'm Joe Derive reporting from sunny Florida.  You know one thing I've learned about this year's spring training more than anything else -- I'm going insane with boredom!

Anyway, I'm here at this truck stop motel and I had the best night in the world with...oh I forget her name but it was...oh its the door.

"Oh man who are you!"

"Joe, its Betty Burnt from last night.  You remember me from last night yall sweet talk me great..."

"Oh man...you're Betty?  That's not possible."

"Oh Joe, don't you remember.  Ya sent me to the sky and ya gonna get me some tires for my pickup...don't ya. "

"Man, I gotta stop drinking those beers."

"I do look best in the dark...hmm..."

"Ya, I can see that. "

"Now Joe, you can sweet talk me anytime cause I gotta do my nightclub thing soon...wink wink."

"Somebody help me."

"Joe, you're a Red Sox reporter right?  Bout time ya show me at Arnie's restaurant.  Ya promise me a job right!  Hey ya like my hearts and flowers tattoo.  I had my entire face tattooed into hearts and flowers...so ya give me that job at Arnie's restaurant!"

"No, I can't do that...bad...oh man...Arnie will kill me.  Hey...have you heard of Julio Lugo?"

"Now Joe...you remember we got married last night right!"

This is Joe Derive...HELP!!!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Superman's Blog

A bit different than my usual blog entry but when a crazy idea comes to bear, you have to go with it. 


The following is a secret excerpt from Superman's diary.

Being a superhero, especially someone as iconic as myself presents its obvious problems.  That's why I welcome my secret identity of Clark Kent where I can be a normal human instead of a superhero.

Now, I admit, I generally try to stay neutral about such things but not a baseball fan.  Bruce (Batman) is and loves the Red Sox.   I could care less.  I hate sports mainly because I can never participate in them.  Imagine Superman being a pitcher making millions instead of being stuck in this dead end job as a newspaper reporter.  Still Bruce and I are friends and as much as I despise his bitter attitude and his creepy persona and that stupid batcave, Bruce and I are friends...for whatever reason.

Now, as the persona of Clark Kent, I've been assigned to interview Tim Wakefield. I have no idea why but Perry (Perry White) asked me to do an interview with him as he's a Tim Wakefield fan.  I'm a crime beat reporter but newspapers don't have the budgets they used to have. 

Now Tim's a smart person.  How do I know that?  Well, within meeting him for one minute I got:

"Clark, you don't really think a set of glasses will fool anyone when it comes to Superman right?"

OK, that caught me off guard.  Nobody knows my identity -- except for the Justice League and my wife Lois (Lois Lane) so that caught me off guard.

"Who else knows?"

"Ah, "said Tim. "The entire Red Sox team, New England, England, France. Scotland...just about everyone but Metropolis...but you're secret is safe.  Everyone knows it but nobody talks about it.  You know how that is."

I nodded trying to remain calm.  This was far more reaching that I suspected. 

"So what's your question?"

I was nervous.  I admit it.  My steel heart pounded against my titanium chest.  I examined Tim for listening devices...wow he's getting out of shape.  Anyway, I decided it was best to continue.

"So tell me...do you ever feel embarrassed wearing that costume...I mean its iconic and all but red underwear...and a cape.  "

I pointed out to him that baseball players were knickers (which I had to explain to him what they were) as well as red socks, play a kids game for millions of dollars and whine continuously when they retire.  That shut him up...but the truth was that I am shamed about it.  It worked great in the 30's but this is 2012.  Ya its out of date but I try to argue its retro.  After all styles come and go right?

"So tell me Clark, with all the poverty, corruption and general wars going on, why do you reserve yourself for street crime and the general egomaniac villain like Darkseid?"

He's right of course but its complicated.  After wrecking half a major city and killing thousands -- if not millions taking down someone like Darkseid, I have a serious publicity problem.  Nobody wants Darkseid and his minions tearing apart the planet...but nobody wants their city destroyed in the process.  People are so hard to please and that's why I have a (S)uperpac fund to keep my public image up...which of course prevents me from solving serious corporate crime like corrupt banks.  How can I do that and have my (S)uperpac funded and then there are the Superman toys and games and lunch boxes.  All that extra income goes into the (S)uperpac to fund television and radio ads promoting me so the public forgets I once took down Times Square defeating General Zod. Thank goodness for those corrupt housing loans and general Wall Street crime.  I take a cut of all of it to fund my (S)uperpac and in return I look away from Wall Street.  Ya it's kind of completely corrupt but at the same time, I need my (S)uperpac to survive.

"Anyway Clark, I gotta ask ya.  How come you didn't turn bad?"

Turn bad?  Superman does not turn evil. I am a symbol of good.  I know that because my (S)uperpac puts it on all the bumper stickers and that's the latest campaign ad I run...so I know I turn good.  Hmm...I wonder if this has anything to do with Bruce (Batman) not returning my phone calls...but he should talk.  He has the (B)atPac fund that funnels millions into his ad campaign to promote Batman.  After all, last week he assaulted fifty people, brutalized the Joker, Two-Face, Penquin and Poisin Ivy while paying off Commissioner Gordon to keep his mouth shut.  Ya, so much for high ideals Bruce!

"Clark?"

Then there is Wonder Woman.  You don't think she wears that outfit to fight crime!  No, its to remind people how attractive she looks so nobody notices that she's tearing down a large skyscraper to defeat one of her enemies and don't get me started about Hawkgirl.  Every grunt with her hammer and there goes the neighborhood.  We all have pac funds and are buried in money.  How else can we defeat crime?

"Clark?"

I mean the nerve of Tim asking this question?  Do you think I like stupid movies made about me.  Has he seen Superman III?  I nearly hurled all over myself!  Then there was Superman Returns but I have to sit and smile and show up at those red carpet events talking like an idiot about how they may have guessed my secret identity.  Come to think of it, those movies do reveal my identity!  Man, I must be the dumbest person alive!

"Clark, are you thinking you're the dumbest person alive or something?"

He's right of course. Tim is always right.  That's his persona.  Mine is saving the world for I'm Superman. Ya that's right.  I'm Superman.



Thursday, March 15, 2012

Boring Spring for Joe Derive

You would think that a new manager, a new team in many ways, and a new attitude would make great press.  I'm bored and I'm Joe Derive.


OK everyone, welcome back to Florida, home of total boredom -- minus reruns of CSI Miami.  I mean have you guys read the articles from the Boston Paper which has a slightly bigger audience than my newspaper the Boston Backstop?  I mean:

Sox Get Day Off!
(This is a joke right...but no its an actual article!)

Clay Bucholtz Works on offspeed Pitches in sim game!
(and this is important because...)

Fans Show Great Concern Over Fifth Starter.
(Sox have no bullpen and no outfield and the Globe says they're worried about a fifth starter.  I don't think so!)

OK Red Sox fans.  We at the Boston Backstop have far more interesting articles like:

Boston Globe Fans Celebrate Pi (3.14) day.


I mean I know as a reporter you have to get articles in each day but this is ridiculous.  How about we just celebrate the number 3.141492654 which is the ratio between the circumference of a circle and the diameter.  Wow I have no life.



Boston Globe reports that Carl Crawford 'let's be stupid and not let a wrist injury heal isn't working too good right now.'

Wrist injuries take forever to heal and what do the brilliant Sox medical staff do - hey let's keep attacking the injury.  Did these guys even go to medical school or did they watch reruns of Gray's Anatomy and wrote down the dialog.  Carl Crawford may be the most overpaid player in the league right now.  Crawford is has a J.D. (named for the player who invented the idea) injury.  Right now he's going to join the ranks of the elite including Dice-K, J.D. Drew, John Lackey, Julio Lugo, etc.  He's done for the year and he knows it.

Boston Globe reports that shortstop position is about the only news coming out of Florida so we'd better hype it up or we're down to Fresh Fried Chicken dipped in Beer sauce from the kitchen of Josh Beckett. Actually that sounds pretty good right now.

Who cares about the shortstop position?  Sox have a history of picking the worst possible candidates for shortstop.  They can't help it.  It's a hobby for them now.  It's what gets them going in the morning.  Nick Green and Julio Lugo were the best comedy team in baseball history -- they just didn't know it at the time.  Face it Red Sox fans, Jose Iglesias isn't ready for prime time.  He will be at some point but right now Aviles is the shortstop.  That was settled at day one.  Jose can't hit well enough to help himself.  Maybe he never will.  Why does the Globe keep reporting on this as if anyone cares.  Nobody does. 

Who is the Red Sox Fifth Starter...BORING

The Red Sox have a wild array of bad has been pitchers for the fifth starter.  We know its going to be Prince Felix.  Everyone knows it.  Its decided.  This is not hard.  Do we take Andrew Miller who can't find the strike zone?  Do we take the injury plaqued talent that was purchased on the red-tag sale at K-Mart.  No we take Felix and hope that Dice-K can come back in June and while he's the most expensive pitcher in history -- as long as he can pitch do we care?




Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Andrew Bailey finds delusion after shaky start

Andrew Bailey, the new Boston Red Sox closer has big shoes to fill in replacing long time fan favorite Jonathan Papelbon while adjusting to the Boston atmosphere but Bailey says he's not worried.

"No, not at all.  The fans in Boston clearly state that its all about letting the New York Yankees win at Fenway.  They're apparently huge fans of the club and its OK I win once in a while but never against the Yankees.  I promise I'll live up to that bargain."

Apparently Bailey is already on his way to doing that. When asked about his shaky start he said:

"Oh Salty told me before the game to pitch well and I didn't but I wasn't worried.  We got all the little things out of the way like the uniform, ah, where first base is and so forth and that was huge.  I didn't know where first base was before this.   When the season starts, you're looking at Papelbon number two...ah...assuming I'm not on the DL too much this year...which is kind of unlikely.  Just saying."

Before the next question was asked, Andrew continued on as if nobody was asking him questions.

"I want to add the most fun I had was when Salty and I had conversations and talked Milton.  It was very stimulating for me.  You know Milton is really hard poetry.  It's really hard to pitch and think Milton.  I wouldn't recommend it. "

I'm Joe Derive.

In other news, major league umpires are demanding seeing eye dogs at all games from now on to improve efficiently.

"We're mostly blind anyway so we're entitled to that feature.  My dog Tubby is already trained to call balls and strikes with barks leaving me time to enjoy fried chicken and beer.  One bark for a strike and two for a ball...or is it two for a strike...ah I forget.  Anyway, so far it ain't workin too good I think, but catchers say its way better accuracy than ever so ya know...ya gotta let them in.
Here tubby...come and get the Ding-Dongs...good boy...yum...wow you sure do wobble around a lot now...good boy."

Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, David Ortiz stated he has great motivation to get home runs.

"It's exhausting actually running to first base. You have no idea.  I never had to do it before.  Usually I do the King's walk but now I'm running like everyone else.  You have no idea how desperate I'm getting.  I'm hitting about .167, nothin gonna be left of me by the time I'm through.  I want home runs...then I just have to stroll around the bases and sniff the grass.  I miss sniffing the grass."

I'm Joe Derive and I'm done here.

Bobby Valentine Most Impressed with one person in particular


Welcome to Red Sox News:

Bobby Valentine says today that he is most impressed with Bobby Valentine.

"When you run down the list of incredible talent, Bobby Valentine certainly tops the list by a lot and that matters if the Sox are going to make it to sixth place or even higher."

When asked what impressed Bobby Valentine most about Bobby Valentine he had this to say.

"I think fans will really appreciate Bobby Valentine most when we head back to Bobby Valentine Park (formally Fenway Park) in Boston and we see those balls fly over the Valentine Monster (formally the Green Monster).  Certainly team owner John Henry feels that when the games on the line, Valentine will be there to save them...and I plan to talk to John Henry a lot once he gets back from Liverpool one of these days."

Bobby Valentine, who took over for Terry Francona, feels confidence about himself as exhibited by various wall-sized posters located in various locations throughout Valentine Park in Florida, some personally autographed by Bobby Valentine in honor of his favorite team mate.

"I like Bobby Valentine.  While Valentine Park in Florida may be too small a place to keep such a great talent as myself, I feel with time fans will appreciate the legend that was born in the great city of Valentine Florida."

Until then Bobby can relish in himself.

Pedro Ciriaco relishes big game moment in game that didn't count for anything.  Credits hard winter work for getting nowhere fast.

Pedro Ciriaco says that he really enjoys winning big games that don't count for anything.

"When you hit a walk off home run in a game that doesn't count, it really reminds me how worthless my efforts were this offseason considering that they'll soon dump me back into Pawtucket while those overpriced crybabies can get money rained on them by stupid owners. Ya, that's where its at."

Pedro has worked extra hard this winter forcing himself to show everyone around him that he's yet another ignored  superstar that will be traded away for some washed up has-been.

"Ben (Cherington) and I have talked about how I can get unloaded for some injury prone superstar that will collect a paycheck while watching reruns of the Golden Girls on his private jet that the Red Sox will provide when the whine factor gets high enough as he heals up from the inevitable injuries that will carry him through to the end of the contract.  That's called the J.D. Factor by the way.  Meanwhile I should be thankful that they wash the uniforms properly in Pawtucket. I say @#RT#  Cherington."

Still Pedro says he isn't bitter.

"Nah, I know the story.  I look at Dice-K. He's lounging around for most of his contract watching Fresh-Prince of Bel Air and other 80's TV or borrowing John Henry's boat while I sweat my tail off to impress so they can say I'm not ready yet but may be trade bait for Eric Gagne or some other wash out.  I say #$#$ Cherington.  "

Until then Pedro will impress until he's forgotten until the trade deadline where the Sox will look for a superstar with multiple injuries, poor performance and a huge price tag. 

"One day someone thought I was Pedro Martinez.  I'd laugh if it wasn't so pathetic.  Ya I say...#$#$ Cherington. "

I'm Joe Derive.