Monday, December 19, 2011

Ben Cherington

Ben walked slowly into Larry Lucchiono's office and was greeted with a warm but somewhat hesitant smile. Actually Ben noticed the smile was almost strained but he ignored his obvious misperceptions and sat down in a seat that appeared to be about three inches off the floor. As he sat in the chair he noticed it was solid wood and was several sizes to small for him.

"Ben, so glad you could come in. Great job you're doing, great job!"

"Thank you sir. I just had an idea about Right field..."

"Wait...you didn't...act upon it...did you?"

"No sir!"

Larry seemed to sigh in relief and sit down on a warm and soft leather chair.

"So Arnie tells me you're doing well in his kitchen."

"Yes sir. I just want you to know that I paid for all the damage from the accidental explosion from the gas leak when I damaged the pipe and then lit a match...whew glad I wasn't hurt. "

"Ya well Arnie just wanted you to know that his restaurant will be reopening in a secret location that's too secret for you to find it...and don't...please."

The volume of Larry's words went off to a high audible level with 'please' but Ben ignored it mainly because he could barely hear it.

"So...what other ideas do you have?"

"Sir, I was thinking that considering J,D, Drew's outstanding performance with the Sox you know that we could sign him again for right field. Also, Julio Lugo has expressed interest in returning and taking over as a starting pitcher or bullpen relief. I ran them by Arnie and he said something about my medications."

"Right, "snorted Larry who then reached for a drink and gulped it down.

"Wow, I've never seen anyone drink 140 proof that fast Larry. "

"Ya well, you're an inspiration to me Ben!"

Ben smiled realizing how happy he could make Larry in a day.

"I also understand you were working with this man named Greg on early Church history..."

"Ya well that didn't work out. He doesn't really know his history Larry. I mean the man thinks there are Ten Commandments. Can you believe that guy? We have fifteen commandments and I know it because I read them! Now we argued for over fifteen minutes before we both decided it was best I find other...what did he say...ah...avenues of employment that don't involve actual thinking. "

Ben heard a hard thumping sound and looked up to see Larry strike his head against the desk. He wondered what got into Larry.

"Is something wrong sir?"

"No nothing, "said Larry. "This is just therapy for me."

Larry then smiled and sat upright.

"So you also worked for this guy named Dave on computer programming?"

"Ya, 'said Ben. "But I tell you all his computers were a mess. I straightened them out. Now Dave didn't see it that way. For fifteen minutes he kept saying something about 'thank goodness for backups." Man what a strange day. He's really sensitive you know."

Ben sighed and then saw Larry gulp down more 140 proof.

"SO then you worked for someone named Craig."

"Ya, I borrowed some money from him and invested it in the Las Vegas casinos. I told him that it would be a great, great investment. Tell me Larry. what's a foreclosure because Craig said I gave him one. He wasn't very happy."

Larry just turned into stone at this moment.

"So then you worked for Andrew, a lawyer."

"Ya, did you know Lawyers can get sued too because Andrew has a ton of lawsuits and they all involve cases I managed. What a coincidence? Needless to say Andrew said he no longer had need for the position I filled...or actually his office, his home, his car. Wow that man fell on hard times."

Ben then leaned back in his chair.

"Then I worked for Ellen's husband at the bank Larry. Whew, glad I worked there because that bank said it was doing well but I tell you when I worked for three days somehow..."

"The bank went out of business?"

"Ya, I mean we got one burglary and the burglars looked at me and then left saying something about it wasn't worth robbing a bank where Ben Cherington is in charge. Strange!"

"So then you worked for Garry?"

"Ya, Garry kept giving me this baseball advise that made no sense."

"Can't imagine why, "said Larry.

"Bunting, baserunning, conditioning, etc. Whew...totally lost me on bunting. What's a bunt?"

Larry then smiled and looked around at the window.

"So, John Henry really...likes you????"

"Yup, he says I'm the shining image of Theo Epstein!"

"Ya, I can see that. OK Ben well have a nice day. "

"You too Larry. Great working with you!"

Ben strolled out then paused at the door.

"Larry, I was thinking about Tim Wakefield at third base and trading Youk for a player to be named later..."

"Ben have you been taking your medications?"

THE END.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

Steve:
Hello, I'm Steve Thunker and I'm replacing Joe Derive who is sick with the 'flu'. I'm the producer of Joe's video feeds and I also clean toilets to a sparkle. Today we have Boston Globe columnist Bill Snicker and today we're talking about the Red Sox and their future. Welcome Bill.

Bill:
Welcome Steve, it's great to be here.

Steve:
It's great to have you here Bill. It's always a pleasure and frankly an honor to have you on.

Bill:
The pleasure is mine Steve and as always its great to be on this show.

Steve:
Right, right, right. So let's start with the obvious question which is what about Bobby Valentine. I mean, clearly a brilliant manager and you knew that from his commentary. He spotted the fact that J.D. Drew, despite that gorgeous swing really isn't a great hitter and gets hurt a lot, and most of us didn't get that. He spotted the fact that Josh Beckett was taking too long between pitches and he pointed out that Carl Crawford's stance was terrible and all these things honestly escaped most of our viewers and listeners. Now given that premise, my question Bill is do you think Bobby Valentine is really the manager for the Sox.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Oh sorry, I fell asleep there while you were talking. I do that a lot. Nothing personal.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine, that's OK.

Bill:
Anyway Steve, I feel that Bobby's OCT stats and his propensity and demand for FCTS's as well as his high DETS really is going to play a long way towards him being the manager that Boston needs right now.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine...now Bill, I'm not familiar with OCT or DETS or FCTS and was wondering if you could...ah...clear that up for our listeners who really do have a demanding ear for the game and really like the stats and the numbers.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry...I was watching the news and eating some chicken nuggets...got hungry while you were talking. Anyway, DETS and OCT and FCTS are complex calculations that offer us as commentators a numeric evaluation of the manager and give us an objective...mmm...nuggets with ketchup...ah...an objective way to scan out and evaluate a manager.

Steve:
right, right, right...ah..in this case what do those numbers tell you about Bobby Valentine.

Bill:
They need to...you know like all numbers we have to first stretch them out over the long term but for the short term the numbers tell us that especially the DETS is generating the bell curve of the first derivative of value R subtracted from the right angle that bisects the curve...

Steve:
Right, right, right so this is basically a made-up formula that really doesn't apply much to anything but sounds good.

Bill:
That's exactly why we're using it as well because it really does give us objectivism and object study of circumstances...I mean...actually I have no idea what I'm talking about but it does sound good.

Steve:
Professionally speaking it really does and does give me a lot of insight into things I didn't know existed until you made them up.

Bill:
Thank you Steve...I'm glad you understand it.

Steve:
Anyway my next question is David Ortiz. Do you think David can contribute to the Sox in 2012.

Bill:
That's a great question Bill and many argue that David can only hit and not in the clutch, can't outrun a turtle that just got run over by a car and usually hits into double plays and is not a team player and is way overpaid and keeps getting more money the Sox could use for beefing up right field, the catching position, and most of the starting and bullpen rotation but I think the fans see this as a great advantage that can help the Red Sox long term. How, I'm not exactly sure since it defies any sort of logic but I think it will.

Steve:
Right, right, right...I think you are right in this aspect. I mean David can hit...into double plays, lose a lot of games for the Red Sox and fail to participate in making things happen but at the same time he's a large presence and has lots of...ah...personality that really overshadows those other qualities.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry I was watching Dark Knight where Batman beats up the Joker. It's really an intense scene. Fans enjoy watching the Batman when he beat up on the Joker...its really creepy. The Joker represents anarchy while Batman represents vigilance and terror and a great merchandising opportunity.

Steve:
Right, right...I agree. Now Bill what about Jonathan Papelbon.

Bill:
Well I have no idea but Papelbon's WHIP and ERA and WAP stats along with his BUTT and TUCK stats really do make him one of the best pitchers today but its really his FLAP and FLIP stats that derive for us an answer.

Steve:
Right, right, right, that's good analysis and I think the fans follow you completely.

Bill:
Glad they do because I have no idea what I'm talking about but hold on...Batman is not going to rescue Rachel on time...this looks bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Right, right, right, well thank you for being on...on this show today Bill. It really does show the fans why you are the elite baseball expert.

Bill:
Well thank you Steve and as they say in baseball when you WAT and AVG and RIB and RBI and DAT attack don't forget your BRAQ.

Steve:
Right, right right...and that was very funny I think...whatever a BRAQ and RIB and DAT mean.

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Hey I'm trying to watch the Dark Knight here...oh crap Rachel's dead. This is bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Bill can I ask you with John Lackey and Dice-K out for the season and Jonathan Papelbon gone but the Sox signed Fat Albert...er... Matt Albers what are the Sox going to do about starting pitching and the bullpen.

Bill:
That's a great question but I'm afraid I'll have to answer it with more nonsensical stats and besides Harvey Dent just became Two Face. Oh gross...that's disgusting.

Steve:
Well anyway Bill, have a good day everyone and keep that Red Sox Nation banner flying!

Bill:
Ya fans keep reading the Globe for more insight than Gilligan's Island.

Steve:
That doesn't help Bill.

Bill:
Ya well so what...I'm watching Batman.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Winter Meetings

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is the winter meetings. If you think things are looking up for the Sox, think again. I sat down with Ben Cherington trying to understand 'the plan.'

"We are sticking with the plan and that means a plan that we put into effect. Many people wonder about the plan and I have made it clear that the plan is the plan and we plan on using the plan."

"Can you give my viewers any details of the plan because I have no idea what you just said?"

"Ah...no."

"So in other words, you don't have a plan."

"Of course I do Mr. Derive. You and your readers should know that we have the plan...you know like the Joker in Dark Knight...the plan...where he was doing things...that were...part of the plan."

"The Joker was insane..."

"Crap...OK we don't have a plan and I'm not insane...I think."

OK after that I had to walk away before I was getting Ben's infection of insanity. Now later I sat down with Theo Epstein who talked about Ben Cherington.

"Ben and I joked that I raided the Red Sox offices to look for secrets but ya know I was joking because I mean...I don't have a plan or anything besides spending money on useless free agents and...you're not quoting me are you Joe?"

I had to walk away from that one as well. I decided to hit up on John Farrell and talk to him. Here is what he said on the Red Sox collapse.

[no quote]

OK as you may have guessed he said nothing.

Now onto fan mail. Many of you have asked what I think of Daniel Bard becoming a starter. I say first you unload Papelbon and then you use Bard to become a starter and I say I guess its part of the plan to think stupid but that's me. So far the Sox are missing two starters, are going to use Bard (second best closer on the team) and Alfredo (best relief man in the pen) to start and have cleaned out the bullpen in the process leaving no starter and no long term relief...but then again we have Bobby Jenks who can't stay healthy for a day mainly because he's overweight and out of shape. Wow, talk about a drinking binge waiting to happen!

I'm Joe Derive...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Hello Bobby

(Thank you to Arnie for writing part of this one)

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I got an exclusive interview with Bobby Valentine...or did until Heather Watson got the interview from under me. Why would Bobby choose some woman, age thirty one with a size 44D and and fifteen inch waist and blonde hair and blue eyes that...oh ya, that's why. Anyway, here it is.

Heather:
Bobby, what are your plans to get the Sox back on track after their collapse?

Bobby:
Well, before we start, I was just thinking about my new cuff links. I know its a minor thing but I thought I would point that out. I think it makes my eyes shine Heather...don't you?

Heather:
Down boy! Bobby, where do you think Carl Crawford fits into the Sox' lineup?

Bobby:
They named a street after me in Japan, you know. 'Lobert Varentine Street.' I think I'll have John Henry rename Yawkey Way....." Bobby Way." Or maybe rename Fenway...... "Bobby V Field at Fenway." Has a nice ring to it which has nothing to do with my cufflinks...not that I was trying to make a link there...get it?

Heather: (hitting head on table)
Bobby, there is talk about making Daniel Bard a starter...what do you think?

Bobby:
Its a stupid idea but its going to happen because the owners are a bunch of morons...not that I said it of course. Anyway, I wanted you to know Heather that I have reserved seats at the finest restaurant in Boston and I do sixty pushups a day. That's sixty.

Heather: (rolling eyes)
Bobby, what do you think the changes of signing David Ortiz is?

Bobby:
I might also add that I do one hundred twenty situps a day and do leg lifts and lots of other exercise.

Heather:
Bobby you do not do one hundred twenty pushups...oh my...that stomach is like iron...hot...err...anyway...the question about David Ortiz and can you please put your shirt back on?

Bobby:
I think David Ortiz can be valuable but the problem is we lost Papelbon which was a dumb idea. The Red Sox management really has compost for gray matter...did I mention that I'm reliable and experienced?

Heather:
Ah...Bobby ah...Mr. Valentine this is an interview OK. Now about Jed Lowrie...what about the trading issue of his value?

Bobby:
Heather I have no bones about trading Jed Lowrie to get some pitching. Theo and his morons bled the team of talent and I intend to put it back not that guys like Cherington aren't following the tradition of 'be stupid' mind you but I can straighten that out...did I mention Heather that Boston is amazing in a hot tub with candle light and white wine and imported chocolates!

Heather:
Bobby, this is a professional...white wine? Wow, what year?

Bobby:
Its older than me!

Heather: (sultry smile)
You know Bobby, I find wine, when properly aged is ready for drinking don't you...Bobby!

Bobby (sweating all over);
Ah...

Heather:
You know Bobby, we can continue the interview later...because I do feel like getting wet starting with my lips.

Bobby:
Heather...that's a little extreme don't you think. I mean...I ah...Heather...Heather...


Joe Derive.
The interview stopped there. Of course I can sulk or sit here at Arnie's restaurant and drown my pain in Arnie's famous salad with green imported olives, fresh string beans, olive oil, tender chicken strips and crisp spinach and slices of apple...but that's OK...next time.

Arnie:
Don't feel bad Joe. You have so much to live for with your talent for writing and your charm and wit. I wouldn't worry.

Joe:
Ya and my tossed salad thanks to gaining fifteen pounds ON YOUR COOKING.

Arnie:
Hey, I can't help it if Arnie's is the best cooking this side of the Moon.

Joe:
To great food...and a diet!

Arnie:
To the Red Sox and their great...er...not-so-great...future.

Joe:
Cheers!