Thursday, July 28, 2011

Robert Bumm is back

Hello Red Sox fans. Here's some news mainly because my boss says I'm fired unless I write a column that nobody reads. OK, here it is.

First, Julio Lugo is back in the news. After the nineteen inning game between the Pirates and the Braves, Lugo makes a comment about he was safe because he couldn't feel anyone tag him. Here's a note about not sounding like Lugo. Don't use the word 'feel' when describing the tag. It indicates you've been longing for something that baseball can't give you...nor would anyone else want to give you and if they do I'd advice against it. That's just me.

Second, the Sox are winning but need more starting pitching. Everyone is waiting for Theo Epstein to make another stupid move again sending the Red Sox into another decay. The Sox survived Eric Gagne (barely) and survived Dice-K (sort of) and survived Drew (we're still working on that one) and Penny and Smotz and so on. Frankly, I say leave it alone as Theo hasn't a clue about getting the right pitcher. However, here are some hints.

1) Pick a pitcher that throws strikes (that means no Dice-K types), doesn't have control problems (Miller) or injury problems (Jenks), doesn't panic under pressure (Lackey) and doesn't give up fifteen runs a game (Lackey, Penny, Miller). I realize this is a tall order for Theo who still thinks a gorilla suit is going undercover so we as fans can only hope for more agony.

Third, let's give praise to a team that is really coming together. Ever since Drew got out of the lineup my headache went away and I now see a lineup that's solid. OK, Scatterthrow, er, Scutaro has issues but he really hasn't been that bad...mostly.

OK that's it for now. Hopefully my boss will stop shouting at me about doing my job. I mean what's he got left, Joe Derive? Na!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Robert Bumm

Hi, I'm Robert Bumm. Joe Derive will be taking a small extended vacation after crashing his car into his bosses home, which didn't go over well with the boss for some reason. I probably shouldn't have suggested that to Joe but I wanted his job so that was OK.

Anyway, that gives me a chance to take over his column. I know you've never heard of me and please don't call me Bob Bum. I know I have the unfortunate reality of having just about the worst surname in human history (OK I could have had Weiner) so lets save time and not do a joke I've heard a billion times over.

Now on to the Red Sox.

The Red Sox are in first place having swept the Seattle Mariners They did it without J.D. Drew striking out fifteen hundred times or grounding into a thousand double plays. I am convinced J.D. thinks he can wear out the opposing team by sending every ball hit to the shortstop or second baseman tiring them out to exhaustion. Certainly it doesn't help he has a boat anchor for a bat. That thing alone would probably break his foot if he ever dropped it on it. J.D. probably needs to be told that strategy hasn't worked. Trust me, Julio Lugo tried it and for the entire length of his contract in Boston.

Then we have Clay Buckholtz who seems to forget he's in the major leagues and not playing pick up basketball with the over 50 crowd at the YMCA. Ya Clay, you have to play through pain and while lower back pain is a problem, look over at Kevin Youkilis and his sprained hand and banged up body and ask yourself "am I a total idiot." The answer is yes in case you didn't know so get back into game.

Then we have Dice-K. He's working out in Florida, his new workout facility for the past three years. Ya he took a bit of a break last year but he's back at it. I have to wonder why the Sox are paying him to do...what exactly? I mean is he contributing? So you're paying a guy over 55 million dollars to exercise. Oh, that's not good. Maybe he could sell Dice-K t-shirts or Dice-K toys at McDonalds or something. Or maybe he could sell popcorn during home team baseball games or help with that tarp during games or do some painting or something. Just a thought.

Then we have Daniel Bard, the most underrated player on the team. He's never allowing a run while Jonathan Papelbon seems to make blowing games an art form. Course now he doesn't blow the game, mostly. He just gives up a run or two to give the opposing team something to do instead of getting outs. Course next year he'll probably be wearing pinstripes with the Yankees. I hate Papelbon.

Overall, despite my complaining, I find the Red Sox an amazing team -- I do. I mean for all their setbacks they keep winning games. Course they win against Baltimore and Seattle and other teams but the real test is August when they face the toughest teams in the league with New York and the Rays and so forth. I just hope Clay is back and stops whining and Jon Lester is back and Tim Wakefield doesn't think wins with grand slams count. We'll see.

I'm Bob Bumm...oh now I'm doing it. See ya next time.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sox beat Rays

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and its 4:30 in the morning after the Sox beat the New York Rays in the twenty fiftth hundredth inning. I'm Joe Derive and I'm at Arnie's celebrating..."

"You're drunk, " smiled Arnie who put another plate of food on the table. Arnie looked tired with red eyes but he seemed full of energy.

"With me is my special guest Alfredo Aceves or something like that who won the game."

"Joe, I can't eat any more food here. I'm stuffed."

Joe leaned over smelling of Bud Lite and every other beer known to man and said, "you were hungry in the game...and I gotta tell ya Alfred, you're putting on some weight here..."

Joe watched Alfredo get up and storm out not looking happy.

"Oh that didn't go over...well. Anyway the New Jersey Rays..."

"Florida...Florida Rays Joe."

Joe leaned in as Arnie moved away from his bad breath.

"You are the nicest man in the world. You let me and my crew knock continuously on your door at 4:00 am in the morning screaming and yelling to wake you up to open up this place to me and my crew and you did it. You did it. I love you Arnie."

"Ya, that's fine Joe. Now eat and order."

Joe leaned in on the camera.

"Anyway, old Dustin Pedroia made the final hit or something like that. I mean the Sox became the Sox. They were heroes..."

Joe leaned back.

"Anyway, I'm here at Arnie's restaurant. Having the best imported beer in the world all the way from New Zealand. Arnie broke out this New Zealand Bud Lite, and you know its from New Zealand because I see New Zealand written with a sharpie right here and at only $75 dollars a bottle, Arnie is the best. "

"Sorry about the cost Joe but with the new 50% sales tax in this state its a killer. "

Joe shrugged.

"Arnie, you're the best. No worries. How much is the bill anyway?'

"About 15 thousand dollars right now but don't worry. I can give you a discount."

Joe's tears drained from his face.

"You're the best Arnie but don't worry. We'll pay in full. Don't try to talk me out of it. You can beg and scream but I'm paying in full with a 50% tip."

"OK, "said Arnie shrugging and walking away.

"You know I don't remember paying this amount before but that's OK. Maybe Arnie charges more for this imported pizza from Italy. Arnie told me he had the pizza flown in the night before just for me. What a guy. It was worth the fifteen hundred dollars for it. I had no idea that Pizza Hut pizza was made in Italy."

Joe leaned towards the camera.

"Anyway, that team is amazing and to deal with the greatest, greatest Red Sox in history is going to be awesome. Pedroia and Peckett and Papybon and all those others including Danny Band. Ah the bill."

Joe picked it up as tears welted in his eyes.

"Fourteen thousand nine hundred and ninety nine dollars. Arnie even gave me a small discount of a thousand dollars or something. Arnie take my credit card. It the bosses anyway. He won't mind. "

Arnie shook Joe's hand and said, "It was worth being woken up in the middle of the night just to serve you Joe. Thanks and can i include a 90% tip.'


Joe got up standing straight.

"Of course Arnie. Anything for you because you would never take advantage of a great guy like you. "

He then fell over on the ground. Arnie waved the card and it got approved. He smiled at the crew.

"Anytime folks anytime."

Arnie yawned and smiled.

"I think I can close early today."


Join us next time as Joe explains to his boss how One hundred and thirty thousand dollars got charged to his credit card.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tito's Day Off

8:30 AM
It had been a rather long time since Tito could just lie in bed while his wife got up and roamed the household. Tito stretched out his body and admired the sheets and the pillows and most of all the quiet. He could only hear birds and an occasional lawnmower in the background. Rest, that was his diet for today.

"OK, I'm going, leave the phone on in case I need anything but your job today dear is to get rest. I'll see you at 12:30."

Tito smiled and said nothing. Instead he rolled his head on the pillow and thought of nobody bothering him. Not 'Boy Genius' Theo Epstein, not David Ortiz or Drew or anyone else. No whining, no complaining, no injury reports or anything else. He rolled on the pillow waving his wife goodbye and fell asleep.

9:00 am

The knock woke up Tito. It was incessant and then the doorbell rang. Tito sprang from his bed unable to figure out where the door was until he faced it and opened it.
He saw a young girl, or young to him, looking about twenty seven with a bursting perkiness that made Tito wince.

"Hello Sir. I understand you are a Comcast subscriber and AT&T is here to..."

She just went on and on and Tito could only focus on the heat that was pouring into his air conditioned home.

"Ah miss, no thank you."

She paused and looked at him with that perky personality.

"Wait a minute, I know you..."

Her eyes were lighting up. Oh no, thought Tito. A star struck idiot.

"You're Joe Girardi. Oh man I am such a Yankee fan. I want you to know that I think Terry Francona and the Red Sox are a bunch of big shots and idiots. I will never be a Red Sox fan. "

Tito fell between laughter and temper.

"OK well..."

"Could I get your autograph."

It was then that Tito slammed the door and ran back to bed. If anything there was one less Yankee fan in the world. He crashed in bed and fell asleep.

9:15 am.
The doorbell banged on his head as Tito once again was forced to get up and walk to the door. A nice man with a tie and shirt, dripping with sweat was standing there as if he was about to die a slow and long death but was willing to give last rights to Tito.

"Hello Sir, are you having problems with your Comcast Service? I'm from AT&T and I'm here to..."

He went on and on and Tito felt nausea from the heat.

"Wait a minute, oh God, you're Patrick Stewart of Star Trek. Oh man I am...oh I hope I'm not bothering you and all. Make it so right?"

Tito nodded and smiled. He knew the 'Make it so' line from Star Trek.

"So what are you doing now? I take it you're too old for parts but there must be something out there. "

"Porn, I do porn."

Tito then slammed the door cursing the world and running back to bed. No more disturbances.

9:30 am
The doorbell rang and then Tito realized the sound was wrong. he ran back to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello sir. I'm calling for the American Society to benefit Tie Wearers. We're a non profit organization designed to provide ties and bowties to the underprivileged. We're asking..."

Tito slammed the phone down and cursed the phone but then calmed down and put himself at bed.

9:45 am
Tito once again headed towards the door with a sledge hammer of a temper as he ripped the door open.

"What?"

He saw two people with white shirts and black ties. They were carrying black books on the side of the body. Tito knew exactly who they were.

"Hello sir. Can we talk to you a bit about..."

Tito slammed the door. He wanted sleep. He was desperate for sleep but as he approached the bed he heard himself curse. He laughed despite himself and fell back into bed.

10:01 am and 10 seconds.
That's 10 seconds that it took for a tired, worn out Tito Francona to run to the door.

"Hello Sir. I'm from AT&T and we're..."

"You are the third person today to disturb my sleep. Do you have any idea what its like to have phone calls and constant door opening..."

Tears dripped from her face. Tito felt terrible inside.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

"It's OK, "she said. "I just thought that someone as famous as Gene Hackman would show a bit more compassion but I guess those roles you play in films are more than accurate.."

"Look, I'm sorry really."

Her smile returned. She perked right up.

"Good then you'll obviously want to drop Comcast and turn yourself over to AT&T and find.."

Tito wasn't sure how hard he slammed the door but it was enough to feel wind blow in his face.

10:15 am.
Tito picked up the phone.,

"Hello, I'm calling today for Representative..."

Tito hung up the phone.

10:16 am.
Tito picked up the phone.

"Hello, we seen to have been disconnected. I'm calling for representative..."

Tito smashed the phone with his hand. It would no longer haunt his very soul.

10:30 am.
Tito grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote the words "Do Not Disturb." Tito grabbed it and opened the door.

"Hello Sir. I'm with Rotten Roach and we're here to deal with your pest problems..."

Tito placed the sign on the door and taped it on.

"Don't worry, when it comes to best this Do-Not-Disturb sign will take care of everything."

Tito then grabbed the door and slammed it shut.

10:35 am.
Tito carried a large frying pan in his hand as he approached the door and waved it over his head.

"What?"

"Oh my god. Harry Morgan from MASH. Oh this is so cool."

"What...do...you...want?"

"I want to talk to you about your lawn. It really is in a state of agony crying out for attention don't you think?"

"I...want...to...kill..."

"Don't kill the lawn Mr. Morgan..."

Tito threw the frying pan past the man who ducked.

"That's it. Get out."

Tito slammed the door.

11:30 am
Tito was now on the verge of insanity. He grabbed a chainsaw and revved it as he approached the door. He opened it up. A young girl ran screaming from the door. Tito felt satisfied.

11:45 am.
Tito cursed again and ran to the door. Blasted doorbell he cursed.

"I want to talk to you about my daughter. You are a monster and I was such a fan of yours on Gilligan's Island. How can you call yourself the Professor and scare my little girl..."

"I am not the Russell Johnson or Gene Hackman or Joe Girardi or Patrick Stewart or anybody else. I am a man wanting a day off from being bugged."

Tito grabbed the chainsaw and cut apart the doorbell watching sparks fly into the air. He laughed as she ran down the street. He then cursed the place and ran back to bed.

12:30 pm
Tito felt the stroking of his wife. It didn't matter anymore. He could not go back to sleep.

"Honey are you OK?"

"What is it?"

"Well a frying pan in the yard for one thing, a torn up door from a chainsaw and you look exhausted. Tito, you did sleep didn't you."

Tito looked up.

"Honey, I can't wait to get back to the Red Sox. Trying to sleep is too exhausting. "


Monday, July 11, 2011

Tim Wakefield and the tire

Mrs. Tim Wakefield hugged her husband feeling the warmth she had known for so long. She welcomed him in and watched him play with the kids. The All Star Break was here and she would have him for three whole days.

"Dad, can you repair the tire?"

Mrs. Wakefield felt her muscles tighten on her face when she said, "now you know what happened the last time your father tried to fix something. Remember our family saying!"

"Mom, we are not saying remember the gas stove! The insurance gave us a new house anyway!"

Tim smiled and said, "no problem. We can get a new tube and replace that in no time. No problem."

"Honey, "she said. "Now you be careful my love..."

Tim walked out despite her protests as she watched him leave she shuddered but then realized it was going to be OK.

...

It was later when she was washing dishes and listened as her husband came up the stairs beside him. Her face spoke volumes.

"Tim, what happened? You have green goo all over you?"

"Ya, that tube blew and sprayed me with some sort of sealant but don't worry...I'm not giving up yet."

"Tim, you can. You really can...remember...no I'm not going to say it."

She shook her head as he went into the shower. Then she wondered how he could have failed at such a thing.

...
It was later when she was cleaning the carpet and listened to her husband come up the stairs.

"Need a new tube. That one...didn't do it right...oozed and...not good. Try another brand"

She nodded as he ran out the door. He looked discouraged.

...
It was later when she heard a lot gunshot and ran down the stairs. What had he done. Did they own a shotgun?

"Tim are you OK?"

She saw the tire that blew and the rubber tube sprayed all over Tim's body.

"Overinflation dear?"

"Ya, "said Tim.

...
It was later when she heard yet another loud gunshot and ran down the stairs. She had had enough.

"That's it Tim..."

"But..."

"No buts Tim...we have spent now over $40 dollars on tubes with an average of $9.00 a piece. We are going to stop this madness very soon and hire someone to do it. Please Tim."

"Ya, "said Tim. "But I can do it..."

She sighed.

...
It was later when she was tucking her son into bed.

"Dad still doing it mom?"

"Yes but he heard a YouTube video so I think he's on the right track.

She jumped as she heard another gunshot sound.

"Can't we pay someone for this mom?"

She shook her head.

"Remember the stove. "

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Joe Derive and Clay

"Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I'm here with Clay Buckhotlz or however you say it at Arnie's restaurant."

Arnie is seen in the background, a plate of dishes crashes on the ground wincing his eyes.

"Joe, for goodness sake, this is a small restaurant. Please stop using so many spotlights. I almost burned my eyes out, "shouted Arnie the owner.

"Ah, sorry Arnie. Anyway we're here with Clay as his current back injury. How ya doing Clay.

"Ya, its queer Joe. I mean I'm erect and I feel fine but when I bend over I get this stabbing pain. It prevents me from handling the ball properly. "

Joe drops his plate

"Ah, Clay, ah, say what?"

"Its no big deal 'says Clay. "The thrusting action really sets off some pain. If I just get hard on the ground I'm fine. "

Arnie walks over to Clay

"Clay, this is a family restaurant, "said Arnie

"Ya Clay. I mean this is the Joe Derive show...right so talk differently. Anyway, is it worse in rain?"

"Well, when I'm moist or wet I really don't feel any more pain. I tend to stroke myself dry anyway. The friction helps."

Joe drops his glass on the floor.

"With a towel. You dry yourself with a towel, "said Joe.

"Oh ya, I do use a towel to rub and stroke until I dry off. I mean we all do that when we're hot and wet. "

Arnie almost starts to laugh but holds it in.

"You must have some luck with the girlfriends Clay, "said Joe.

"Of course, I mean what are you guys talking about? I mean I'm just desperate to get it on."

Joe stars to hit his head on the counter until he felt a stabbing headache.

"I'm told that bending injuries like that can be a problem. Its not like I can change positions because that takes away my thrust. Any ballplayer will tell you that. You don't make adjustments like that. "

Clay pauses.Joe felt he was going to die a slow death soon.

"Mr...Clay, ah, when do you think you might return?"

"Well, "said Clay. "I don't know. I want to perform again soon. I feel I perform well and am fully into it. I did get a shot. They stuck it in there and squirted the stuff so I think I'm feeling so much better after that. "

Arnie walks over to Joe.

"Shut this guy up Joe."

"Anyway, the most important thing is to return quickly and keep this team going. I plan to thrust forward and harden this team. Tito said to take my time and be slow about it. Sometimes when you thrust too fast into the situation you get a premature outcome. "

The entire restaurant is now starring at Clay. Silence is in the entire place.

"OK, that's enough questions Clay, end this show Joe."

"Get me back. That's a great pun. Get it back and back, "said Clay with an innocent smile.

"Don't say anymore Clay. Please..."

"OK, "said Clay. "I'm not really good at this press conference thing. When they try to shove that hard mike in my face and wiggle it around it really makes me get all hot and sweaty."

"OK, "shouted Arnie. "Clay, stop talking. Joe, I changed my mind. I want Julio Lugo as a regular guest on this show. "

"You called me Arnie?"

Arnie turns around.

"Get back in the freezer and stay there until you've counted all chocolate chips you spilled all over the floor. "

Lugo returns, his entire body shivering.

"Can I go now. I have to eat and nothing excites me more than..." said Clay.

"Clay, they're playing all six Star Wars films at the multiplex and you get a free plastic light saber to go with it."

"I am so there!"

Clay bursts out of the room. Conversation returns to normal. Arnie sits down and rests.

"You know Joe, I do not want your job."

Joe leans back.

"I can't imagine what Clay will say when he gets his free light saber."

Arnie and Joe both give out a big laugh and sip tea together.

Clay

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Theo's Secretary

I'm Theo Epstein's secretary Susan. When I first started in the organization I saw Theo as a brilliant man. It was the winter of 2006 and everyone was desperate for a World Series title -- or at least respectability after 2004. Of course it didn't take much time to realize that this was one of the worst decisions of my life. I really wish I kept my job as corporate executive at Microsoft.

"Mmm, these fries are so crisp don't you think Patty."

My name is Susan by the way. They liked to eat a lot of French Fries. Notice I say they. My name by the way his Susan. Anyway, I was eating a salad and reading Les Miserables (or The Miserable in English) and it seemed so appropriate today of all days.

"Wait, these fries are crisp."

"Ya, "I said awaiting some revelation here. Theo does this a lot. He associates words with ballplayers. Ya there is no computer program or spreadsheet or calculation. That's how Theo Epstein buys the worst ballplayers on the planet.

"Don't you see."

He's joking isn't he.

"Don't you see. Coco Crisp. I'm coo coo for Coco puffs. It all adds up in my head."

He is coo coo, I give him that. Anyway, it was hard to see anything in Theo's head with that stupid gorilla suit he always wears when he has his inspirations.

"Theo don't. Crisp is OK but you have Jacobe Ellsbury ready and waiting. Use him."

"No, "said Theo. "Coco, don't you see, I'm eating coco with crisp fries. Yes it all adds up don't you think Elmer."

"To madness, "I said. There were so many things wrong with this idea. First, he was drinking coco not eating it and second my name is Susan.

"Oh Betty, this is the sign of great things to come. Never, give out my secrets."

He says that to Leo and by the time he talks to Leo I've given up. Did I mention he has fifteen personalities. Oh ya, I usually need a beer before I discuss that one.

"Now, what we need is a shortstop and I have the perfect one."

Great, now my stomach is aching. The salad is revolting to me now. Victor Hugo needed Theo for inspiration.

"I got a flat tire this morning and when they changed it they changed the lugnuts. Got it?"

Why does he keep asking me that?

"Lugnuts...Lugo...its a sign from the gods."

I really need to call his shrink.

"We are NOT getting rid of Orlando for...Lugo? You've got to be insane..."

Oh right he is. How can I forget that with his Incredible Hulk costume on.

(Bantor plays)
Coco Crisp signs with Red Sox and joins J.D. Drew in multimillion dollar deal. Julio Lugo also signed.

I hate reading the paper. Theo always plays it up and then months later it comes crashing down.

"You keep reading that novel what is it."

I pause to look up. I've been reading the novel for months. Now he notices?

"Les Miserables, I say. "It's a French novel."

There are moments in my life where I wish I was somewhere else. Seeing Theo rise in his chair starring at the sunshine with a gorilla suit on is one of them.

"Of course, the French will provide us with salvation just like they did when they invented French Fries. "

It was then I was convinced that Theo's medication needed some strengthening. I would tell him the French did not invent French fries but my headache is feeling like we just signed Eric Gagne but I am convinced that he is not that insane.

"Well dump some lousy prospects, sell off a pitcher or two, lose a draft prospect and then we'll own Eric Gagne. What do you think Wilma?"

"I'm Susan. I'm sorry but its bad enough when you outbid yourself, I really hate your multiple personalities by the way especially Jane, and now you're getting Gag-me. No, that is a bad idea."


(Banter playing)
"Red Sox sign Eric Gagne. Will join Coco Crisp, Julio Lugo and J.D. Drew as the dynamic foursome."

How in hell did we win that World Series anyway. Theo effectively dumped four useless players and still we won. The papers said it best.

(Benny Hill Song plays)
"Red Sox dump Eric Gagne"

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Red Sox trying to dump Coco Crisp

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Julio Lugnuts Lugo is a disaster

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Sox pay J.D. Drew a multimillion dollar contract for one home run

I read the morning paper. Sometimes I hate my job. What's worse is Theo is wearing his Dracula costume this morning and talking to Bugs Bunny. If only the Fenway fateful knew.

Anyway, those are just some of the highlights. You can count the millions spent in waste. Dice-K, Drew, Lugo, Brad Penny, Colon, Schmotlz, etc. Theo just can't help himself. How about Cameron or any number of ballplayers we signed for what?

Anyway, I have to go. Theo thinks he's Julia Child today. Don't get me started on the dress. Anyway, I'm seeing his wheels turning again. He's making a salad out of potatoes, grape leaves, bread with peanut butter, and a dressing made with corn starch, corn syrup, red food coloring and green wheat grass. I wonder if the Phillies need some help. I certainly do.


"I have it. What do Captain Crunch, Lego's and the Space Shuttle have in common!!!"

If its Eric Gagne, I quit right now.

"You guessed it Nardia, Eric Gagne."

I quit.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Theo Epstein Club

(Setting: a plush, elite club in the hidden part of the city. The city is Boston.)

"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. Welcome and enjoy the atmosphere and joy of the club. Here I am wearing a fine polyester bathrobe with pipe in hand enjoying the fine decorations. Join me. Let me welcome my friend Eric Gagne."

"Hello, I'm Eric. Are you ready to be a member of the Club. It takes a special kind of baseball talent to get in. Not everyone gets in do they Lugnuts..."

"Hey, I told you to stop calling me that Gag-me. "

(Eric seems to burn with anger but then stops himself.)

"No matter Julio, we're all friends here...like our friend J.D. Drew..."

(Drew walks over and sits down on the couch with the same bathrobe and pipe)

"Ow, I'm in pain, oh dizzy, oh pain."

"Relax Drew, "said Lugo. "This is the Theo Epstein club. You can do that later."

"Oh thank goodness, "said Drew. "I'm so worn out faking injuries."

(Julian Tavarez walks over with JUST a bathrobe on.)

"Hey everyone."

"You know, I thought that crazy attitude was just for Theo. Come on Julian, put some clothes on. Arnie get him some clothes."

(Arnie walks over looking disgusted.)

"Of all the sickening things I have seen in my life. This makes me sick. Look at you all milking the Theo Epstein cash for your own benefits. You're all a shame. Look at you Dice-K."

(Dice K speaks through five interpreters. he walks in with a gold bathrobe and gold slippers.)

"Relax Arnie, joining the Theo Epstein club is nothing short of a miracle for me. I'm a millionaire and, hey for old times sake...ow, ow, oh that hurts."

"I quit, "screams Arnie. "You guys told me you loved the Red Sox. I loathe you all and you probably don't even know what that words me do you Lugo?"

(Lugo looks like a face of shame as Arnie walks out)

"There is a man with a problem, "said Brad Penny who sits down. "When I played with the Red Sox I put my heart into it...NOT. I love how I said if I stay healthy I'll be OK. What a sham. "

(Lugo smiles towards the camera)

"So join us next time on the Theo Epstein club. Oh hey Edgar Renteria...how goes it."

"Fine, fine, Lugo I tell ya, despite my efforts I still didn't have the error count that you did. How did you do it?"

"Talent my friend, " said Lugo. "Talent."

"I'm disgusted too!" shouted John Lackey. "At least I try to play the game. Drew, you're pathetic. Lugo, you stink. This whole club stinks."

Dice-K looks over and smiles.

"Chocolate pudding?"

"Oh ya, great. "

So friends, join us next time for the Theo Epstein Club.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Joee of Derive's First Class

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. Ya, its been tough for the Red Sox but not as tough for me. Ya see I had to stop all my slight drinking and stuff but I'm OK. Anyway, I'm flying from Philadelphia to Houston with my good intern Veronica who is interning with me all summer. It's her first flight so I got her a Lower Class, er, Coach ticket for the plane. Say hello Veronica...

'I have Claustrophobia and asthma but I'll be OK. I'm sure there are lots of things to do in coach. Besides I brought my inhaler."

Anyway, we'll be texting each other on the plane...so I'd better get on since they're calling First Class. When I head to the counter they wave to me as I board the plane. Now, as I sit in my seat -- ah the room -- I'm really going to hate this flight. Flying is tough. I spread out my legs and stretch as the Flight attendant comes over to greet me.

"Hello Joe"

That's flight attendant Marsha. She'll be serving us and the rest of the First Class crew. Back their in the cattle stalls will sit Veronica. She'll be OK. It's not like I'm worried. Oh she's texting me.

(The line is really long and I'm tired. Everybody is so grumpy.)

Ya well that's OK. I'll let her know everything is fine.

"Hot chocolate and warm macadamia nuts while you wait."

Oh yes, that's what I call service. Mmm, good stuff. I'm already excited about this flight.

"Get back there."

Oh those coach passengers. Always annoying us First Class people. My goodness what a pain in the neck. Oh there goes Veronica. Wow, she looks scared. Frankly I would be too. I wish her luck. Anyway, she's texting me now.

(Joe, its so tight and horrible back here. I'm squished between two people that smell bad and a screaming kid and...)

Excuse me, I have to calm down Veronica down.

(Listen, you're disturbing me at the moment. I'm busy eating and adjusting my seat.)

So annoying. Anyway, I sit back and stretch my legs. The last of the Coach passengers go past me. Oh man what a pain...but I see the flight is taking off finally. Took long enough.
We sail into the air and I see the ground below me through two windows that are available to me from the window seat. It's good to watch and eat hot buttered popcorn.

"Some hot coffee or wine or beer?'

Wine please I say to Marsha.
We watch the safety video then I get another text from Veronica about some sort of panic attack. I tell her grab the wine that's available to you and calm down. I'm enjoying the view. Oh here she goes again.

(Help me Joe. It's scary back here. Everybody is screaming and yelling and kids are throwing up. I can't breathe in my seat and one of the kids used the inhaler to torture his sister. I have no inhaler. Please Joe.)

(Veronica...relax. Everything will be fine. Ask for another inhaler like you can from First Class.)

"Attention passengers. A movie will be shown if the passengers making a big noise will shut up. You're disturbing the First Class passengers. Headsets are available for $15.00 if you don't have any and a purchased meal is available for $25 dollars that consists of a plate of spoiled cheese and moldy bread. Just let the Flight attendant know what you want."

Oh boy that's just sad. I'm sure Veronica will get something.

"Hot towel Mr. Derive?"

Ya, that's the life. I clean my hands before the meal is passed out. I get a choice of prime rib with fresh peas and a salad with a side order of lobster or a large salad with cranberries and macadamia nuts or some Indian food. I can chose hot coffee, tea, expresso or whatever I want. It's all included of course. I get my headphones and lean back while I get served food. Another flight attendant rubs my feet and gives me a massage. Oh the lux...oh excuse me.

(I'm so hungry Joe and all they give me is a drink. I need to use the restroom and the line is about five deep and a kid keeps screaming in my ear and I feel like throwing up. I'm so sick. Help me Joe.)

Boy what a pain.

(Veronica, this is getting old. If you ask politely, I'll have the flight attendant deliver to you some fresh warm nuts but then again that would single you out and then I'd have to get everyone some of the nuts. Sorry but you'll be OK. Spend the money and get a headset.)

Anyway, that meal was great with real silverware and large bowls. I'm enjoying a fruit cup now with sliced watermelon before I get warm cake and a hot fudge...excuse me. I have to complain to the flight attendant.

"Miss, how can I possible eat and get my massage in peace with all that racket from Coach."

"I am so sorry Mr. Derive but its a madhouse back there. People are creating signs demanding to be treated something other than cattle. I am so sorry. I'll get you a hot fudge Sunday and a complimentary bottle of wine along with fine chocolates. Will that work?"

I pause a bit but then realize that even I have to give in after all I'm a nice guy. Oh not again Veronica.

(Joe, you have to get me out of here. I'm being yelled at by the Flight attendants for asking for peanuts calling me a pain in the neck and say I'm disturbing First Class. Joe, help me...I'm so hungry.)

Oh I do take pity on her.

(Veronica, tell you what. When you get off the plane, I'll buy you a Coke. )

That should calm her down. Oh, I forgot to talk about the Red Sox but right now I'm getting a shampoo and haircut while having my nails trimmed. It takes a while since you have to wait for the three flight attendants to be done with the other passengers but that's OK. I truly wish we had more than a curtain to separate First Class from the rest of them.
However on this long flight these services are entirely necessary. I'm so full and satisfied and I'm grateful for the cashmere blanket that they lay on me to get to sleep. I turned my phone off so I don't have to listen to that whining Veronica.
Oh no, we have to land early because of a medical emergency. Some case of an asthma attack. Man and I was just getting sung to so I could get so sleep but the three Flight attendants and their guitar band. Not fair at all. I'm going to have to complain!

Now if you people out there feel that this has been a disaster of a flight like I have, please contact me via email.

joe@joederive.com. That's joe@joederive.com. Now excuse me since I'm getting my teeth cleaned by the onboard dentist in first class before I get a physical.