Hi! I'm Joe Derive and welcome back to Arnie's restaurant and I'm here with a major league umpire who wishes to remain anonymous. Now we're here at Arnie's but I'm not touching alcohol. I gave it up despite the find numbing effect it gave me like with last night's awful loss!
"Here here, "said the anonymous umpire eating his forth pizza in a row with double cheese and pineapples.
"Instead, I found a healthy alternative to cope with the flood of injuries and the idea that the Sox will once again break my heart. " Joe then leaned forward. "Arnie, another double chocolate milk shake with whipped cream and another pizza for my friend here. "
Arnie nodded and piled on the food. A worried look appeared on his face but Joe ignored it.
"Now that is healthy coping. I of course ate first. Two pizzas and three hot dogs, a side of french fries and...oh those pants are getting tight. "
"You need to go to the umpire store. They sell clothes for men in our underweighted condition...burp."
Joe leaned in to the camera.
"Last night the Sox lost. They lost because Beckett was sick and that followed Clay with a back injury and Crawford with a hamstring strain and Lowrie with a chest issue and so on. Man this entire team is already falling apart...mmm I love hotdogs with chocolate shakes and french fries and I'm not drinking."
"I find that...oh man this chair is tight. I told Arnie to get the oversized umpire chair with steel reinforcement, "said the anonymous umpire. "He's so into that thin look. Oh, I will not be able to see any ground balls tomorrow but whatever, I'll just fake it. Heck that's what we all do."
Joe shook his head then ate the entire pile of food on his plate.
"Man that was...oh is this going to ruin my health."
"Nah, "said the anonymous umpire. "Just do what I do and do some arm lifts. That's great exercise. Do four in twenty four hours and you'll be fine. "
Joe just nodded. Arnie leaned back starring at the chair.
"Hey, you're breaking my chairs here."
"Chill Arnie, chill. Oh, I don't feel so good...more fries Arnie."
Arnie shook his head and walked away running to get more food.
"Last night was also the night that the Sox couldn't do anything right. Pitching was terrible and lost opportunities was everywhere..."
"Joe, you complain too much. I mean you Red Sox fans are all alike. Ya feel entitled to a World Series each and every year and make yourselves miserable instead of just enjoying the game. "
Joe leaned in and starred at the umpire. "That sort of makes sense and that's what worries me. "
Joe then smiled at the camera.
"Anyway fans, last night was a disaster. A painful reminder that the Sox are not doing what they need to do to win that World Series that we're entitled to each and every year. "
"I rest my....oh chest pains..."
"You OK?"
"Fine, "they'll pass. Good old pacemaker and defibrilator are my friends..."
"Wow, I need to go back to drinking...that's safer! Until next time, I'm Joe Derive. "
"And I need to call the paramedics. That's strike...uh three. "
Join fans of Joe Derive as he attempts to burn off the seventy five pounds he just put on doing arm lifts five times a day. You'll find him in the Boston Emergency room having a heart attack.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Joe Derive is BACK
The cameras were set in place and the director shouted "action."
"Hi, I'm Joe Derive back from vacation -- man, I don't even remember where that was -- but anyway, I'm eating at Arnie's restaurant with my guests Adrian Gonsalez and J.D. Drew. Say hello!"
J.D. Drew gave a barely audible grunt while Adrian nodded politely amongst the cadence of chatter in the background of Arnie's restaurant. Adrian was wearing a tweed jacket with a clip on bow tie and a clean white shirt. The pocket held a variety of pencils and a small slide rule. J.D. Drew wore a shirt that said "Prunes rock."
"Now, that the Sox are back I can quit drinking. After that horrible four game losing streak which I barely remember thanks to Jack Daniels, which I gave up by the way, but now I'm back and celebrating and like am I making any sense!"
Arnie came by and poured Joe more Jack Daniels into Joe's glass. J.D. took prune juice and Adrian drank a Shirley Temple with a small umbrella on the glass per request of Adrian.
"Anyway, let's start with you Adrian. You were written up in the Boston Globe with your deep and penetrating insights into the game of baseball. They practically called you an intellectual...which I guess isn't going to your head...sort of. Anyway, so let me ask you this, why are the Red Sox winning anyway?"
Adrian paused, almost shifting in his seat until he found the right virtual camera angle. He tapped his fingers to his cheek. "Well, I think the main reason is that the offense is doing well despite the pitching problems. I think also having such a great bench of players that can come in when the injuries pile up is very important. "
Arnie just shook his head while handing out the meals. Joe Derive got Jack Daniels marinated apples, J.D. got prunes soaked in cranberry juice and Adrian got a tonic with lemon water, shaken but not stirred. Arnie then began mumbling something about "The View is more interesting than this ham" while Joe gulped more Jack Daniels. J.D. grunted.
Adrian then paused and put on glasses while straightening his bow tie. "Now the main issue here is hitting. By generating hitting this team can win more games than other teams. This idea is based on the fact that hitting can help out struggling pitching. This insight is truly the reason why great minds can solve great problems. "
Arnie started laughing out loud and walked away while J.D. Drew grunted and Joe gulped more Jack Daniels. A slow ripple of laughter started to permeate the room as Adrian adjusted his glasses and started to put a fake pipe in his mouth.
"I think the main factors..."
"Oh shut up Adrian. " said Joe Derive who rolled his body around before finding focus and steading himself. J.D. Drew quickly bolted for the restroom shouting "gotta go, gotta go."
"Now, "said Joe, "I want to talk about the Red Sox winning streak. This, in addition, is also in the shadowy shadows of the Boston Bruins who win the Stanley Cuppers..."
Arnie burst out laughing and then grabbed the Jack Daniels and handed Joe a bottle of water.
"You really should consider curtailing your drinking Joe, "said Adrian.
"You really should stop making errors and stuff Adrian..." snapped Joe
Adrian, looking rather disgruntled starred down Joe before shrugging him off. He held up a copy of "The Iliad" and began reading it looking like he was clueless to its content. J.D. came back and sat down with a smile on his face. He then shifted to panic and ran to the bathroom again. Arnie shook his head as he collected dishes and handed out ice cream.
"OK, well, that's it for this edition of Joe Derive's TV thing. Join us next time as we discuss..."
It was then that Joe crash landed on the floor disrupting Adrian's confusion over "The Iliad". J.D. came back and sat down.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Adrian Gonsalez and this is Masterpiece Red Sox. Tonight, I'll be talking to you about the great literature of past ages. With me is my guest and comrade, J.D. Drew. "
"Cut."
The lights dimmed against Adrian's face. Adrian, looking stunned threw down his book and stormed out of the place. Arnie sighed but then smiled as a happy crowd could get back to its meal. Why he put up with this show was puzzling to him but as he pulled out the twenty thousand dollar check that he would give to the Jimmy Fund he remembered why.
"Hi, I'm Joe Derive back from vacation -- man, I don't even remember where that was -- but anyway, I'm eating at Arnie's restaurant with my guests Adrian Gonsalez and J.D. Drew. Say hello!"
J.D. Drew gave a barely audible grunt while Adrian nodded politely amongst the cadence of chatter in the background of Arnie's restaurant. Adrian was wearing a tweed jacket with a clip on bow tie and a clean white shirt. The pocket held a variety of pencils and a small slide rule. J.D. Drew wore a shirt that said "Prunes rock."
"Now, that the Sox are back I can quit drinking. After that horrible four game losing streak which I barely remember thanks to Jack Daniels, which I gave up by the way, but now I'm back and celebrating and like am I making any sense!"
Arnie came by and poured Joe more Jack Daniels into Joe's glass. J.D. took prune juice and Adrian drank a Shirley Temple with a small umbrella on the glass per request of Adrian.
"Anyway, let's start with you Adrian. You were written up in the Boston Globe with your deep and penetrating insights into the game of baseball. They practically called you an intellectual...which I guess isn't going to your head...sort of. Anyway, so let me ask you this, why are the Red Sox winning anyway?"
Adrian paused, almost shifting in his seat until he found the right virtual camera angle. He tapped his fingers to his cheek. "Well, I think the main reason is that the offense is doing well despite the pitching problems. I think also having such a great bench of players that can come in when the injuries pile up is very important. "
Arnie just shook his head while handing out the meals. Joe Derive got Jack Daniels marinated apples, J.D. got prunes soaked in cranberry juice and Adrian got a tonic with lemon water, shaken but not stirred. Arnie then began mumbling something about "The View is more interesting than this ham" while Joe gulped more Jack Daniels. J.D. grunted.
Adrian then paused and put on glasses while straightening his bow tie. "Now the main issue here is hitting. By generating hitting this team can win more games than other teams. This idea is based on the fact that hitting can help out struggling pitching. This insight is truly the reason why great minds can solve great problems. "
Arnie started laughing out loud and walked away while J.D. Drew grunted and Joe gulped more Jack Daniels. A slow ripple of laughter started to permeate the room as Adrian adjusted his glasses and started to put a fake pipe in his mouth.
"I think the main factors..."
"Oh shut up Adrian. " said Joe Derive who rolled his body around before finding focus and steading himself. J.D. Drew quickly bolted for the restroom shouting "gotta go, gotta go."
"Now, "said Joe, "I want to talk about the Red Sox winning streak. This, in addition, is also in the shadowy shadows of the Boston Bruins who win the Stanley Cuppers..."
Arnie burst out laughing and then grabbed the Jack Daniels and handed Joe a bottle of water.
"You really should consider curtailing your drinking Joe, "said Adrian.
"You really should stop making errors and stuff Adrian..." snapped Joe
Adrian, looking rather disgruntled starred down Joe before shrugging him off. He held up a copy of "The Iliad" and began reading it looking like he was clueless to its content. J.D. came back and sat down with a smile on his face. He then shifted to panic and ran to the bathroom again. Arnie shook his head as he collected dishes and handed out ice cream.
"OK, well, that's it for this edition of Joe Derive's TV thing. Join us next time as we discuss..."
It was then that Joe crash landed on the floor disrupting Adrian's confusion over "The Iliad". J.D. came back and sat down.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Adrian Gonsalez and this is Masterpiece Red Sox. Tonight, I'll be talking to you about the great literature of past ages. With me is my guest and comrade, J.D. Drew. "
"Cut."
The lights dimmed against Adrian's face. Adrian, looking stunned threw down his book and stormed out of the place. Arnie sighed but then smiled as a happy crowd could get back to its meal. Why he put up with this show was puzzling to him but as he pulled out the twenty thousand dollar check that he would give to the Jimmy Fund he remembered why.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Julio Lugo's new show
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun. It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com...
"Hey, somebody shut that theme music off..."
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Come on guys, shut that theme off. The...
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Shut that #$#$ theme off...Ow I think I broke my foot but who cares that theme song is off"
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"What is going on here? Can't anyone in this room do something?"
(pause)
"OK, finally some smarts. Anyway, welcome to the Julio Lugo show on MLB.com. Another loss for the Red Sox last night...ow what's that feedback???"
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Oh for #$#$ sake, shut that a#@$#$ theme off."
OK. well opening night jitters right? Anyway...
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
(A loud smash is heard.)
"OK. I think we fixed it. Anyway, last night the Red Sox lost three in a row. Talk about what $160 trillion or whatever it is dollars buys you. Fortunately the Sox have John Lackey or I can't pitch well John and like...aw that team is just sad. Hey what do you call a bottomless pit with no talent -- The Red Sox...what, don't tell me to shut up!
Anyway, the Red Sox with me won a World Series and without me have this to show for it. Pathetic.
(pause)
"OK, our first guest is Terry Francona of the Boston Red Sox Wait, I just insulted the Red Sox! What do you mean you tried to tell me?
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Man, I run a radio show like I played baseball...what? Oh, that's not what I mean..."
(pause)
"OK, anyway, how are you Tito?"
"I don't know Julio but I'd love to hear your comments on John Lackey. Maybe I could send him over here so you two could communicate better..."
"Ah, ya well, I think its time for a commercial...now...anytime...somebody..."
"Oh wait, here he is now! Hey John. Julio was just telling me how good you pitch...but maybe you and Julio could have some one on one time...ouch Julio, he doesn't look happy."
"Tito, come on now! I didn't mean it..."
(loud noise...)
"That's it John. Show Julio how well you pitch. Ouch John. "
Join us next week as Julio Lugo goes one on one with Mike Tyson and Micheal Jordon.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com...
"Hey, somebody shut that theme music off..."
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Come on guys, shut that theme off. The...
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Shut that #$#$ theme off...Ow I think I broke my foot but who cares that theme song is off"
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"What is going on here? Can't anyone in this room do something?"
(pause)
"OK, finally some smarts. Anyway, welcome to the Julio Lugo show on MLB.com. Another loss for the Red Sox last night...ow what's that feedback???"
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Oh for #$#$ sake, shut that a#@$#$ theme off."
OK. well opening night jitters right? Anyway...
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
(A loud smash is heard.)
"OK. I think we fixed it. Anyway, last night the Red Sox lost three in a row. Talk about what $160 trillion or whatever it is dollars buys you. Fortunately the Sox have John Lackey or I can't pitch well John and like...aw that team is just sad. Hey what do you call a bottomless pit with no talent -- The Red Sox...what, don't tell me to shut up!
Anyway, the Red Sox with me won a World Series and without me have this to show for it. Pathetic.
(pause)
"OK, our first guest is Terry Francona of the Boston Red Sox Wait, I just insulted the Red Sox! What do you mean you tried to tell me?
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
"Man, I run a radio show like I played baseball...what? Oh, that's not what I mean..."
(pause)
"OK, anyway, how are you Tito?"
"I don't know Julio but I'd love to hear your comments on John Lackey. Maybe I could send him over here so you two could communicate better..."
"Ah, ya well, I think its time for a commercial...now...anytime...somebody..."
"Oh wait, here he is now! Hey John. Julio was just telling me how good you pitch...but maybe you and Julio could have some one on one time...ouch Julio, he doesn't look happy."
"Tito, come on now! I didn't mean it..."
(loud noise...)
"That's it John. Show Julio how well you pitch. Ouch John. "
Join us next week as Julio Lugo goes one on one with Mike Tyson and Micheal Jordon.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
It's time for the Lugo show on MLB.com. It's time for the Lugo show. Get ready for some fun.
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