Camping

The veterans of the Red Sox organization - Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield all planned a camping trip together among the isolated woods of Wyoming. It was a last goodbye for Mike Lowell who wanted to experience the great outdoors before retirement. It was a cold October night in Wyoming. They were staying in backcountry against the wild forests of Wyoming.
They had flown in and bought their camping equipment along with rental vehicles and headed to the great outdoors.
It was 7:00 pm and already dark when the crew arrived at the site. There were trees everywhere and the air was clean and fresh. The group got out with a less than enthusiastic look on their faces.
"How in heck did we take four hours to find this place, "snapped Mike Lowell who's hip was in pain from the damp air.
"Hey, we're roughing it right, " said the leader Jason Varitek. "No GPS's, no cell phones, no tvs, etc. We're back to nature."
"My hip wants a hotpad, "snapped Mike.
"Come on, let's get the tent up, "said Tim Wakefield looking tired and sore.
They had everything unwrapped and started looking at the directions. The tent lay flat on the ground. Poles and ropes lay everywhere in unsorted piles with no attempt at organization. Mike read the directions out loud.

"Place the long poles J1x and K1x with red dots perpendicular to door Vx1 of the tent X1 aligning the tapered ends T1 and T2 opposite to the connections on the hub PX2-z and then connect the poles J1x and K1z using the spring lock mechanism HRx located in the hub H1-x12 after first sliding the poles J1z and K1x through the sleeves S1r and S2r on the tent. Be sure not to put too much pressure maintaining a steady aim while connecting the perpendicular pieces to the hub Px2-z."
Mike paused, looked up and said, "what the f-k?"
Tim sighed and said, "perpendicular...hmmm...I remember that from school."
"Ya, and I remember weggies, but that don't help us here!, "snapped Mike.
"OK, calm down, "snapped Jason...first let's align the poles perpendicular to the door...ah, does anyone know where the door is on this tent?"
The three scanned around the tent walking in circles in an almost military formation.
"OK, we've done this three times...so where's the door?" yelled Mike.
Both sighed. "OK, let's take a guess. The stakes...ha, get it...stakes...you know like tent stakes."
The crickets began chirping.
"OK, that wasn't that funny, "said Jason.

(fifteen minutes later)

"OK, now connect the dotted poles to the long tapered ends of the angles poles J and K while ensuring that connection Q lines up with connection AZ parallel to the tent door while inserting poles J and K in sleeves ZA and ZB...oh crap...I give up."

(fifteen minutes later)

"Now connect poles J and K to spring locks XVB and XVC which are facing the ground. Place then at 60 degree angles to ensure alignment with ends J1 and J2 which are attached to J and K...this is insane. How in hell can anyone put a f-king tent up, "snapped Mike Lowell throwing the instructions to the ground.
"Calm down, "said Jason. "Consider the fact that we're basically dealing with geometry..."
"Hell no, "yelled Mike. "We're dealing with a guy with a mental complex! Nobody's gonna figure this out."

(two hours later)

"I can't believe we got those stupid poles up. This thing must be 8 feet high. How in hell are we gonna get the rain covering on that! I'm sure there's some trick."snapped Mike.
"Mike, we're almost done here. Now what's next Mike, "said Jason,
"Attach rain flap to top of...oh sh-t, "snapped Mike. "How am I supposed to do that. I'm not eight feet tall!"
"Let me see that, "snapped Jason.
"Attack rain flap to top of poll ensuring a smooth and consistent covering. Using connections XZ-1 and XZ-2 which are aligned wit the surface of...man, I have a headache."
Jason tossed the instructions down.
"Who needs a rain flap anyway! Tent is finished!"
"I'm hungry, "said Tim.
Jason sighed. "Good thinking. I'll get the stove ready. I was told it was easy assembly."
Mike just hit his head against a tree.
(minutes later)

"Attach the stove connection ZTR-QE parallel to the orifice ZTR while ensuring not to cross thread the attachment's end ZTR-QD before attaching the propane bottle in a clockwise direction parallel to the orifice. "
Mike took a gulp of beer.
"I see Mr. Lobotomy wrote the same instruction manual for..."
"Will you shut up, "yelled Jason. "I can't tell which end of ZTR do I use. Do I use ZTR-QE or ZTR-QD...s-t this is insane."
"How about we just start a camp fire?"
Everyone agreed.

(twenty minutes later)
"Just great Jason. We can barely put a tent up and can't light a stove and now this campfire looks like David Ortiz's cigar. "
Jason sighed. "I'm sorry guys. I'd thought this would be a nice time!"
Mike sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to do so much thinking."
Tim coughed and then dumped some gasoline on the fire. A blast of hot fire burst through the air setting Mike's hair on fire.'
"Oh s-t. Help!"
Mike then ran down to the lake and dumped his hair on the water. A loud scream followed as the water was about 30 degrees farhrenheit.

(twenty minutes later)
"Cold...I'm so cold...and so hungry, "said Mike in a squimish voice freezing in the sleeping bag in the tent. With the scalding burns on his head and the loss of hair, he was utterly burning with cold.
"Need rain flap, "said Jason in desperation.
"will get cccc...colder, "said Tim shivering.
"Hate...this...trip, "said Jason shivering.
"We have to setup the tent...flap...use..."
"Hotel, "said Tim. "We need a hotel and we need...it...now."
"What...what if...we just use our own bodyheat, 'said Jason. "Curl up together and warm ourselves up! You know the boyscout manual says get naked and get in one sleeping bag. Should we try that?"
The two raised their necks and starred for a long time at Jason.
"Or...not, "said Jason.
A pause came as white flakes came down from the overhead of the tent.
"Is...that...snow? "asked Jason.
"Looks like snow, "said Mike in monotone.
"Tastes like snow, "said Tim.
A pause followed as more and more snow fell on the sleeping bags.
"We should have put up the rainflap, "said Jason.
"Not possible, "said Mike. "Tent...impossible to put...together...takes special training and...a degree...from college."
"Getting...colder...snow burn my...skin."

The three flung from their beds. They ran outside forgetting shoes and grabbed the flap. Mike threw it over the top of the tent and watched it slide gently to the ground on the other side of the tent. Tim Wakefield grabbed it and threw it on top watching it slide to the other side of the tent. Jason grabbed it and threw it on top. Mike grabbed and end. Jason grabbed the other end and both pulled it until it slid down gently from the top of the tent and fell to the ground. Tears began to flow from everyone at the tent.
"Madness." said Tim.
"To the van, "screamed Mike.
The three then ran into the large rental van and fell inside like a pack of wolves.
Jason turned on the engine and blasted the heat. He then turned it off realizing the engine had no warmed up yet.
"bad...bad time, "said Mike so cold now his voice was shaking like the rest of his body.
In ten minutes the heat came on and everyone could feel parts of their body again.
"Jason, "said Mike.
"Ya."
"Did you...by any chance...leave our clothes in the tent so that...they will all get soaked in snow."
A pause followed.
"Maybe..."
"OK, "said Mike not caring at the moment.
"Arnie...let's call Arnie up. He'll know what to do, "said Jason.
They grabbed cell phones and discovered they had no signal but it didn't matter as the batteries were almost gone.
"We're going to die here aren't we, "said Mike.
"Yes, "said Jason not reacting to the question.
"Man we're wimps, "said Tim Wakefield.
"I put up...with Manny..Ramirez, put up with Dice-K and Julio Lugo. I am SO not a wimp."
Within minutes exhaustion had taken over. The three fell asleep and slept under the stars not realizing how bad their backs and necks would feel in the morning.

To be continued....

Lugo on Cops

A drive down a dark road with a cop car. Julio Lugo is driving.

"My name is Julio Lugo. In addition...to my 3:00 am talk show that has great ratings, I also am a Baltimore cop."

(Radio)
"Possible murder at 34th and wine. Over"

"Glad that's over. Anyway, I like being a cop. It's very rewarding for me. Sometimes people go to me and say get the f-k out of here but most of the times they just ignore me...oh, my cell phone is ringing."

(Cell phone)
"Lugo you moron. Get over to 34th and wine. You have a murder. Didn't you hear the radio."

"Apparently, there has been yet another murder at 34th and wine and this one isn't over. "

Lugo drives over to the scene.

"Oh man this is nasty. Yuck! Well what we have here is a murder. "

A cop walks up to Lugo.

"Hey, where ya been? We're looking for the murder weapon."

"Did you check under the car."

"Ya..."

"Did you check on the roof?"

"Ya..."

"Well...I'm out of ideas."

The other cop sighs and the radio on Lugo's head set kicks in.

"Any officer available. Argument at 45th and Vine. Over."

"Man why do they keep calling us when its over. So pointless! Stupid Baltimore police...ah, you're not filming that are you?"

(Later at the scene)

"OK, now that I know 'over' means the end of the radio, I guess I can understand why I keep getting put on report every night. Gee...anyway, we have a man and a man and the man...what's his name hit the other...man what's his name."

(At the scene)

"What's the problem man!"

"That man hit me. He hit me all over. I want him in jail!"

Lugo nods.

"Aren't you going to arrest him?"

Lugo walks over to the man.

"Did you hit him?"

"no!"

Lugo throws up his hands.

"WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK EYE AND THE BRUISED LIP YOU MORON!"

"He fell down the stairs...officer Lugo and I'm a big fan of yours on the Orioles and I love your talk show."

Lugo accepts the $50 put in his hands.

"Well sorry man but its clear this guy didn't do anything."

"AHHH! " screamed the other man.

(Later)

"That was a messy situation. He says he didn't do it and he says he did it. How am I supposed to tell and then the guy slips me a $50 and I'm like, this guy is a nice guy. I mean then he gives me his gold watch and its a nice one. What can I do? I mean, you don't turn down presents! Then the other man gives me $75 dollars and at the end of the hour, both of them give me $200 dollars and a gold watch and a nice wool sweater. I gotta tell ya, I like Baltimore."

"They bribed you?"

"No, of course not. I never accept bribes. So OK so I guess the case is closed."

Join us next time for another episode of Lugo -> Cop!