"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I...ah...what do I say?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I..ah...damn I think I talk about corn flakes?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. I play for the...ah...Sox or I think...oh ya my butt's itchy."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four."
"Hello I'm Julio Lugo and I love Friendly's bacon double apple cheese stick fries chocolate...oh crap I'm confused."
"So are we...you're FIRED!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny Damon and i'm making love to this new double cheeseburger sandwich so come on over to my private place and we can share quiet time with my cheese and my...."
"Hey...this is family friendly Damon! OK.
"Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny World Series Hall Of Famer , you know the guy you go to and come inside of when you're head him. Mmmm don't you want it?"
"OK...we're done here."
"Can I sit on the couch and show you my..."
"NO!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Manny Ramirez."
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. When I play for the Red Sox...oh ya, I left those losers. "
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and when I play for the Dodgers...oh ya they fired me. Hey how could they do that. I quit! I'm tired of those bunch of losers!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three Zazu!"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and...oh crap...who da f-k do I play for now?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and I play for the Chicken Indian...oh s-t. I dumped them when I went to the Crap Sox...crap I hate this place and I hate this ad. This play blows. "
"GET OUT"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Roger Clemens."
"Hi, I'm Roger Clemens and I deny ever taking a Friendly's sandwich or anything else for that matter. I'm a hall of fame pitcher and I say screw this stupid sandwich and...'
"Get OUT of here!."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take fifteen. Bud Selig."
"I"m rather be castrated that appear in this stupid ad for some lard butt sandwich..."
"You know folks...maybe baseball isn't the best spokesman for a commercial. Let's try Paris Hilton. She can't be any worse. "
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Jeopardy with Lugo, Damon and Zazu
"Hello everyone. I'm Alex Trebeck and this is celebrity jeopardy. We have today three great stars of today's game. First, Julio Lugo of the Baltimore Orioles..."
"Ha, " laughed Johnny Damon. "Star...ya right. Star of the laundry room!"
"OK...let's keep this civil. Then we also have Zazu, known as Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers..."
"LOOSER...wait I'm hurt...oweee...I'm Zazu...oh the pain..., "laughed Johnny Damon.
(pause)
"OK, finally, we have..."
"Johnny Damon...the man who guarantees World Series rings to any team that gets him, is a future Hall of Famer...first vote, is humble, lovable and has a new Johnny Damon doll where you strokc my ego to get me to work...if ya know what I mean. Ya get it? Stroking?"
"I got it Johnny. You have proven you have the mind of a twelve year old. OK..."
"Alex I just want to say..."
"SHUT UP, "snapped Lugo and Zazu.
"OK, we have the categories..."
(BEEP)
"You don't beep in until I tell you too Johnny."
"Considering I'm the only one who can get any of this...why don't we just give me the money now."
"Where's a stiff drink when you need one. Now, categories are...Literature, History, Math, Baseball, Art and Science...go ahead ...Johnny."
"Asshole, "snapped Lugo.
"I'll take Science for $500 Alex."
"It's the elementary particle that protons and neutrons are made out of."
"Well...considering they're that tiny, I'd say Lugos' #$##$"
"#$#$ you ass#$#$. I'll kill you right now with my paperclip!"
"Everyone calm down. Now Johnny, how does anyone put up with you. You're a total...no I won't say it. Now answer the #$#$ question."
"OK, the answer is...ah...I...ah...du...ah..."
"Sorry Johnny. You took to long. Anybody else?"
"What are beads?, "snapped Julio Lugo.
"OK, why don't we try another category. Here...I'll pick. How about baseball for $100. It's the pitch that doesn't go in straight but breaks its path and curves."
(long pause)
"Oh come on. Nobody can be this dumb! It's a curveball. Got the HINT. Curves! How can you all be that stupid!"
"Hey Alex, you're kinda being insulting here, 'snapped Zazu. "It's not I NEED the money here. I'm mean I'm Zazu. I don't even have to play the game to get millions like this year where I'm on the disabled list all the time or last year where I tested positive for steroids. Ow...I'm on the D.L. again. Hey where's my fifty two million dollars...HA!...ok I guess that wasn't that funny."
"All right...I've had enough. Let's just meet the players. "
"It says here Johnny that you like posing like a porn star for your website johnnydamon.com because you actually like looking like a total idiot all the time instead of most of the time."
"What? Is that what it says?"
"No its what I say and its the truth!"
"Oh, OK...well I buy the God of baseball considering I'm a first write-up hall of famer who will go down with Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb and Ted Williams..."
"As a big fat jerk? Now shut up! Can you do that manure mouth!"
"Hey did you hear what he said to me!
"Oh not to be outdone in the lobotomy department, we have Zazu who knocks down travel agents, burns bridges with everyone he plays for and still collects a paycheck. I love LA right Zazu but I see that's not true anymore. Why will you screw next? How about Seattle? Hey do you think I'm giving you a hint Zazu!"
"Alex, I've repented. I found God...or actually see myself as God so I'm OK with myself now."
"Holy s@#$! Are you serious? Are you some kind of nutcase? You're God? What's Johnny, The arch angel Michael?"
"Hey I am not anybodies b-#$h especially Zazu!"
"That picture will now stay in my head as my worst nightmare Johnny!"
(pause)
"OK finally Julio Lugo runs his own radio show called the Julio Lugo show is that right?'
"Hey, why aren't you insulting him?"
"Because he doesn't fill the room with hot air. You two call yourselves role-models? You're a disgrace to the game. You know what...I quit. I'm done. I can't put up with you two! To think kids look up to you! The Beavis and Butthead of the baseball world. Look, I'm hitting my head with a hammer... but that's OK because I'm Zazu! No wait, look I'm setting fire to the set because I can put it out all on my own and still single-handedly stop a volcano from flowing because I'm Johnny Damon."
A pause.
"Not only that Alex but I can change the orbit of earth with just a thought from my brain!, "smiled Damon.
"I'm going home. "
"I'm going to decide what team wants me next year to win a world series, "said Johnny.
"Ah...I'm thinking about my hall of fame speech after I sign with the Yankees next year. They only pick superstars not hasbeens, "smiled Zazu.
"So why are they picking you Zazu "snapped Damon!
"You're dead Damon!" snapped Zazu.
"How can you kill a god "snapped Damon.
(fight ensues)
"Portions of Jeopardy are brought to you by the Zazu doll company. Zazu, making high quality radioactive leaking dolls for families everywhere and by the Damon company. Making egos that refuse to face reality. "
"Ha, " laughed Johnny Damon. "Star...ya right. Star of the laundry room!"
"OK...let's keep this civil. Then we also have Zazu, known as Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers..."
"LOOSER...wait I'm hurt...oweee...I'm Zazu...oh the pain..., "laughed Johnny Damon.
(pause)
"OK, finally, we have..."
"Johnny Damon...the man who guarantees World Series rings to any team that gets him, is a future Hall of Famer...first vote, is humble, lovable and has a new Johnny Damon doll where you strokc my ego to get me to work...if ya know what I mean. Ya get it? Stroking?"
"I got it Johnny. You have proven you have the mind of a twelve year old. OK..."
"Alex I just want to say..."
"SHUT UP, "snapped Lugo and Zazu.
"OK, we have the categories..."
(BEEP)
"You don't beep in until I tell you too Johnny."
"Considering I'm the only one who can get any of this...why don't we just give me the money now."
"Where's a stiff drink when you need one. Now, categories are...Literature, History, Math, Baseball, Art and Science...go ahead ...Johnny."
"Asshole, "snapped Lugo.
"I'll take Science for $500 Alex."
"It's the elementary particle that protons and neutrons are made out of."
"Well...considering they're that tiny, I'd say Lugos' #$##$"
"#$#$ you ass#$#$. I'll kill you right now with my paperclip!"
"Everyone calm down. Now Johnny, how does anyone put up with you. You're a total...no I won't say it. Now answer the #$#$ question."
"OK, the answer is...ah...I...ah...du...ah..."
"Sorry Johnny. You took to long. Anybody else?"
"What are beads?, "snapped Julio Lugo.
"OK, why don't we try another category. Here...I'll pick. How about baseball for $100. It's the pitch that doesn't go in straight but breaks its path and curves."
(long pause)
"Oh come on. Nobody can be this dumb! It's a curveball. Got the HINT. Curves! How can you all be that stupid!"
"Hey Alex, you're kinda being insulting here, 'snapped Zazu. "It's not I NEED the money here. I'm mean I'm Zazu. I don't even have to play the game to get millions like this year where I'm on the disabled list all the time or last year where I tested positive for steroids. Ow...I'm on the D.L. again. Hey where's my fifty two million dollars...HA!...ok I guess that wasn't that funny."
"All right...I've had enough. Let's just meet the players. "
"It says here Johnny that you like posing like a porn star for your website johnnydamon.com because you actually like looking like a total idiot all the time instead of most of the time."
"What? Is that what it says?"
"No its what I say and its the truth!"
"Oh, OK...well I buy the God of baseball considering I'm a first write-up hall of famer who will go down with Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb and Ted Williams..."
"As a big fat jerk? Now shut up! Can you do that manure mouth!"
"Hey did you hear what he said to me!
"Oh not to be outdone in the lobotomy department, we have Zazu who knocks down travel agents, burns bridges with everyone he plays for and still collects a paycheck. I love LA right Zazu but I see that's not true anymore. Why will you screw next? How about Seattle? Hey do you think I'm giving you a hint Zazu!"
"Alex, I've repented. I found God...or actually see myself as God so I'm OK with myself now."
"Holy s@#$! Are you serious? Are you some kind of nutcase? You're God? What's Johnny, The arch angel Michael?"
"Hey I am not anybodies b-#$h especially Zazu!"
"That picture will now stay in my head as my worst nightmare Johnny!"
(pause)
"OK finally Julio Lugo runs his own radio show called the Julio Lugo show is that right?'
"Hey, why aren't you insulting him?"
"Because he doesn't fill the room with hot air. You two call yourselves role-models? You're a disgrace to the game. You know what...I quit. I'm done. I can't put up with you two! To think kids look up to you! The Beavis and Butthead of the baseball world. Look, I'm hitting my head with a hammer... but that's OK because I'm Zazu! No wait, look I'm setting fire to the set because I can put it out all on my own and still single-handedly stop a volcano from flowing because I'm Johnny Damon."
A pause.
"Not only that Alex but I can change the orbit of earth with just a thought from my brain!, "smiled Damon.
"I'm going home. "
"I'm going to decide what team wants me next year to win a world series, "said Johnny.
"Ah...I'm thinking about my hall of fame speech after I sign with the Yankees next year. They only pick superstars not hasbeens, "smiled Zazu.
"So why are they picking you Zazu "snapped Damon!
"You're dead Damon!" snapped Zazu.
"How can you kill a god "snapped Damon.
(fight ensues)
"Portions of Jeopardy are brought to you by the Zazu doll company. Zazu, making high quality radioactive leaking dolls for families everywhere and by the Damon company. Making egos that refuse to face reality. "
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Lugo and Damon part II
"Lugo has a bruised rib, Lugo has a sore jaw, Lugo is injured but don't worry folks he still can't play any better....and now he has his show."
"Who writes these jingles? I mean if you never hear this show and hear this jingle, I sound like an idiot. I'm not an idioter."
"Anyway, we have Johnny Damon back again on the Lugo show talking about why he decided to stay with the Tigers. In case you hadn't heard, Damon was offered a place on the Red Sox but turned it down."
"Ya hey Lugo. Sorry about beating you up but someone I want you to know that ants can be challenging sometimes...just not with Johnny Damon."
"Just answer the question."
"OK well, I went to everyone in the clubhouse and they all begged me to stay on their hands and knees. I got lots of "please don't kill me and my family" so I decided that it was best that I stay with the team since I was their most popular player. Besides when I'm on the team I can bring them to a world series easily and besides, I hate to have the rocker launcher get overheated. "
"Ah...did you threaten them?"
"No what gave you that idea...LUGNUTS! Ha, Johnny Damon makes jokes. Ha, I'm sending this show into the sky with high ratings."
"Ya, you're high all right. OK well you still feel angry at the Red Sox."
"No I'm over that. Just because they didn't want me back offering me a $40 million dollar contract...I mean the average loser American makes about $25 million a year so why should Johnny want more than that?"
"Ah...the average American makes about $50,000 a year...if they're lucky."
"Holy #$#$. Are you serious? Man how can you live on $50,000 a year? Do they live in caves? Wow, that's so sad. I had no idea most Americans live in poverty."
"That's average."
"Ah...ya...Lugnuts...so tell me, how can you live on $50,000 a year?"
"Do you even know what average means and stop calling me LUGNUTS!"
"If the name fits?"
"ANSWER the question!!!!"
"I make tons of money every year. I can hire people to figure that out. "
"So you don't know what average means in math!"
"Of course I do Lugo. Average means the average...guy. It means that...you know what everyone makes that isn't Johnny Damon...like...is that it?"
"I can't believe I'm smarter than you."
"Ya, neither can I Lugee."
"OK...let's take some calls for Johnny Damon since I've had it with this moron."
"Ya, Johnny. I think you're a #$#$#$ and a #$#$#4 and a #$#$#. BYE!"
"Well he makes $50,000 a year and I make millions. Bored!"
"That's it Damon. They're still people who work their asses off. I'm breaking your head open with this pencil!"
"Oh...the ant fights again...BORING"
"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going to the hospital now."
"Portions of this program are brought to you by the Damon fund. His funding is not average, it's ABOVE average like his Grand Canyon ego."
"Who writes these jingles? I mean if you never hear this show and hear this jingle, I sound like an idiot. I'm not an idioter."
"Anyway, we have Johnny Damon back again on the Lugo show talking about why he decided to stay with the Tigers. In case you hadn't heard, Damon was offered a place on the Red Sox but turned it down."
"Ya hey Lugo. Sorry about beating you up but someone I want you to know that ants can be challenging sometimes...just not with Johnny Damon."
"Just answer the question."
"OK well, I went to everyone in the clubhouse and they all begged me to stay on their hands and knees. I got lots of "please don't kill me and my family" so I decided that it was best that I stay with the team since I was their most popular player. Besides when I'm on the team I can bring them to a world series easily and besides, I hate to have the rocker launcher get overheated. "
"Ah...did you threaten them?"
"No what gave you that idea...LUGNUTS! Ha, Johnny Damon makes jokes. Ha, I'm sending this show into the sky with high ratings."
"Ya, you're high all right. OK well you still feel angry at the Red Sox."
"No I'm over that. Just because they didn't want me back offering me a $40 million dollar contract...I mean the average loser American makes about $25 million a year so why should Johnny want more than that?"
"Ah...the average American makes about $50,000 a year...if they're lucky."
"Holy #$#$. Are you serious? Man how can you live on $50,000 a year? Do they live in caves? Wow, that's so sad. I had no idea most Americans live in poverty."
"That's average."
"Ah...ya...Lugnuts...so tell me, how can you live on $50,000 a year?"
"Do you even know what average means and stop calling me LUGNUTS!"
"If the name fits?"
"ANSWER the question!!!!"
"I make tons of money every year. I can hire people to figure that out. "
"So you don't know what average means in math!"
"Of course I do Lugo. Average means the average...guy. It means that...you know what everyone makes that isn't Johnny Damon...like...is that it?"
"I can't believe I'm smarter than you."
"Ya, neither can I Lugee."
"OK...let's take some calls for Johnny Damon since I've had it with this moron."
"Ya, Johnny. I think you're a #$#$#$ and a #$#$#4 and a #$#$#. BYE!"
"Well he makes $50,000 a year and I make millions. Bored!"
"That's it Damon. They're still people who work their asses off. I'm breaking your head open with this pencil!"
"Oh...the ant fights again...BORING"
"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going to the hospital now."
"Portions of this program are brought to you by the Damon fund. His funding is not average, it's ABOVE average like his Grand Canyon ego."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Johnny Damon on the LUGO show!
"Lugo is a loser, Lugo is a loser, Lugo is a loser and now he has his own show!"
"Evening everyone. Fortunately, I'm not upset by these stupid theme songs. Anyway, Johnny Damon is here with us in the studio. Hey Johnny."
"Glad to be here Julio. I know you're probably in awe of me and all, most people are but I'm just a regular guy."
"Ya well...anyway, are you going back to the Red Sox for six weeks."
"Well I don't know. I keep thinking that the Sox giving away a top prospect will help out the Tigers and then I look at the Red Sox. If the Sox want to win the World Series this year, they will need me aboard. I'm the only reason why any team will get to the playoffs but that's just my opinion based on the obvious facts."
"So ya well, you really have a lot of confidence in yourself."
"Hey, when the Yankees decided that they didn't want to win a World Series in 2010, there were so many other teams that wanted me to get that goal. "
"Ah the Tigers aren't even playing at 500. Does that tell you something?"
"Hey, they would have won one game and lost 161 games this year if they didn't have me on their team. Don't you understand...and its not like Julio "loser" Lugo does anything but collect paychecks and ask stupid QUESTIONS!"
"I'm just asking a question...MORON. I can see why you wouldn't play in Boston. The plane wouldn't be BIG enough to hold that swelled head of yours to land at Logan Airport!"
"Last time I checked, who is playing for the WORST team in baseball...STUPID LOSER"
"You know Johnny, I have a .306 OBP"
"Oh wow! J.D. Dumbbell Drew gets an OBP of .357 and he's had 376 at bats. You have 214 at bats and everyone knows DREW SUCKS!"
A pause.
"Aw...did I hurt little Lugo's feelings. Do you need your MOMMY now!"
"I'm going to bash your head in Damon. You're dead meat and when I get through with you I'll D.L. the rest of the season and collect my pay...#$#$"
"Oh wow, do I detect that Julio Lugo is being a dunce!"
(fight ensues)
"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going and the hospital welcomes him."
Portions of the Lugo show were brought to you by Johnny Damon's ego. An ego to cover the world and save humanity."
"Evening everyone. Fortunately, I'm not upset by these stupid theme songs. Anyway, Johnny Damon is here with us in the studio. Hey Johnny."
"Glad to be here Julio. I know you're probably in awe of me and all, most people are but I'm just a regular guy."
"Ya well...anyway, are you going back to the Red Sox for six weeks."
"Well I don't know. I keep thinking that the Sox giving away a top prospect will help out the Tigers and then I look at the Red Sox. If the Sox want to win the World Series this year, they will need me aboard. I'm the only reason why any team will get to the playoffs but that's just my opinion based on the obvious facts."
"So ya well, you really have a lot of confidence in yourself."
"Hey, when the Yankees decided that they didn't want to win a World Series in 2010, there were so many other teams that wanted me to get that goal. "
"Ah the Tigers aren't even playing at 500. Does that tell you something?"
"Hey, they would have won one game and lost 161 games this year if they didn't have me on their team. Don't you understand...and its not like Julio "loser" Lugo does anything but collect paychecks and ask stupid QUESTIONS!"
"I'm just asking a question...MORON. I can see why you wouldn't play in Boston. The plane wouldn't be BIG enough to hold that swelled head of yours to land at Logan Airport!"
"Last time I checked, who is playing for the WORST team in baseball...STUPID LOSER"
"You know Johnny, I have a .306 OBP"
"Oh wow! J.D. Dumbbell Drew gets an OBP of .357 and he's had 376 at bats. You have 214 at bats and everyone knows DREW SUCKS!"
A pause.
"Aw...did I hurt little Lugo's feelings. Do you need your MOMMY now!"
"I'm going to bash your head in Damon. You're dead meat and when I get through with you I'll D.L. the rest of the season and collect my pay...#$#$"
"Oh wow, do I detect that Julio Lugo is being a dunce!"
(fight ensues)
"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going and the hospital welcomes him."
Portions of the Lugo show were brought to you by Johnny Damon's ego. An ego to cover the world and save humanity."
Thursday, August 19, 2010
World's Dumbest Criminal
"Welcome, welcome, welcome...welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the Lugo SHOW!"
"All right well we have live on the phone from Sing, Sing Prison...the world's dumbest criminal Joe Bristolson. Hey Joe"
"Hey Julio. How's it goin?"
"Probably better than you I think. I'm not in prison. No offense but I'm not a loser!"
"I don't know Julio. I've seen your player stats. "
"Anyway, let's talk about you and your criminal career."
"Ya well, things haven't been going as planned. I started with a convenience store robbery. We stuck paper bags over our faces so ya, know, nobody sees us but that didn't work out well."
"Why is that?'
"We sorta forgot to put in eye holes in the bags. I know that seems obvious but in the middle of a crime, you don't think about those things. Anyway, musta knocked over about five shelves but the worst was the cooking oil...I fell all over the floor and that's when I took that retarded paper bag off my head."
"Exposing yourself to the camera. Good thinking. And that's when they arrested you right?"
"Not...exactly. Ya I did take off an all, but not before we got the safe."
"You stole the safe?"
"Sort of...it was heavier than we thought so we dragged it to the parking lot and I used my pickup truck to drag it home. Guess the cops kinda thought that was a little weird specially since they spotted my truck so easy. Stupid flashing neon lights. What was I thinking and then ya know with license plates that say "RedSox-1...ya that kinda gave us away."
"So...you went to jail?"
"Ya, ya, I sorta did but I did escape. Four hours of freedom!"
"What happened?"
"Well my girlfriend wanted some support at her trial so I drove to the courthouse. That wasn't my brightest moment. Sorta like everything you step to the plate."
"OK, first stop making fun of me. Second, you DROVE to the courthouse. Are you insane? You were spotted right away right?"
"Well ya I suppose. Wouldn't have been a problem but I kinda stole the car. I mean, I wasn't gonna take the bus or something. That's crazy. I could be ID'd"
"Why not drive to the police station and hang a sign over your head!"
"Oh that's not how I got charged! I almost beat the stolen car thing."
"I can't wait."
"I was caught when I appeared before a lineup. Ya see I knew enough to wear gloves and a mask. Problem was when they all lined us up and the cop said "everyone say stick em' up." That wasn't what I said. I said "hands up."
"So"
"So I guess I shouldn't have shouted out "that's not what I said in front of everyone. Kinda gave me away."
"Ya I can see that."
"So anyway, five years later I get out."
"And you rob a bank."
'No I tried to rob a bank. I went in there and blew it. Rule number three. Make sure there are no cops in line when you try to rob a bank."
"What's rule number 2?"
"When you have a weapon in your pants pocket, make sure you can get it out of your pants pocket."
"And number one?"
"Make sure you ain't overweight preventing you from getting the weapon out of your pants pocket. Stupid ice cream bars. So now I'm stuck here...but I made sure I'm underweight. I have a lot of time to serve. So instead of making money from robbing a bank, I'm just making license plates. "
"How long are you in?"
"Well, I'm forty now so I got twenty years but I figure with good health I can get out at 60 and rob a bank. Gotta make a living."
"Ever thought about getting a real job?"
"I did after all if they pay you a boatload of money with your talent then they'll take me in a second."
"You're too old."
"No I ain't! I broke out of the prison. Wasn't easy but I'm free. I just two blocks from your station now Julio. Fortunately I'm using a stolen cellphone from some FBI agent instead of a payphone so they can't trace the phone. "
"Ya well...anyway...it's been nice talking to you."
"Crap they found me. Shouldn't have worn that Elvis Presley shirt but man it looked so cool with my glow-in-the-dark boots. "
"I gotta tell you. You are about the dumbest criminal I have ever met."
"Wow, that's something comin from you!"
"Oh well, join us next time on the Julio Lugo show."
"Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye...from the Julio Lugo Show."
"Portions of the broadcast are paid for by the Roger Clemens charity fund. The Roger Clemens charity fund has been denying being a front for steroid drug sales for over twenty years. "
"All right well we have live on the phone from Sing, Sing Prison...the world's dumbest criminal Joe Bristolson. Hey Joe"
"Hey Julio. How's it goin?"
"Probably better than you I think. I'm not in prison. No offense but I'm not a loser!"
"I don't know Julio. I've seen your player stats. "
"Anyway, let's talk about you and your criminal career."
"Ya well, things haven't been going as planned. I started with a convenience store robbery. We stuck paper bags over our faces so ya, know, nobody sees us but that didn't work out well."
"Why is that?'
"We sorta forgot to put in eye holes in the bags. I know that seems obvious but in the middle of a crime, you don't think about those things. Anyway, musta knocked over about five shelves but the worst was the cooking oil...I fell all over the floor and that's when I took that retarded paper bag off my head."
"Exposing yourself to the camera. Good thinking. And that's when they arrested you right?"
"Not...exactly. Ya I did take off an all, but not before we got the safe."
"You stole the safe?"
"Sort of...it was heavier than we thought so we dragged it to the parking lot and I used my pickup truck to drag it home. Guess the cops kinda thought that was a little weird specially since they spotted my truck so easy. Stupid flashing neon lights. What was I thinking and then ya know with license plates that say "RedSox-1...ya that kinda gave us away."
"So...you went to jail?"
"Ya, ya, I sorta did but I did escape. Four hours of freedom!"
"What happened?"
"Well my girlfriend wanted some support at her trial so I drove to the courthouse. That wasn't my brightest moment. Sorta like everything you step to the plate."
"OK, first stop making fun of me. Second, you DROVE to the courthouse. Are you insane? You were spotted right away right?"
"Well ya I suppose. Wouldn't have been a problem but I kinda stole the car. I mean, I wasn't gonna take the bus or something. That's crazy. I could be ID'd"
"Why not drive to the police station and hang a sign over your head!"
"Oh that's not how I got charged! I almost beat the stolen car thing."
"I can't wait."
"I was caught when I appeared before a lineup. Ya see I knew enough to wear gloves and a mask. Problem was when they all lined us up and the cop said "everyone say stick em' up." That wasn't what I said. I said "hands up."
"So"
"So I guess I shouldn't have shouted out "that's not what I said in front of everyone. Kinda gave me away."
"Ya I can see that."
"So anyway, five years later I get out."
"And you rob a bank."
'No I tried to rob a bank. I went in there and blew it. Rule number three. Make sure there are no cops in line when you try to rob a bank."
"What's rule number 2?"
"When you have a weapon in your pants pocket, make sure you can get it out of your pants pocket."
"And number one?"
"Make sure you ain't overweight preventing you from getting the weapon out of your pants pocket. Stupid ice cream bars. So now I'm stuck here...but I made sure I'm underweight. I have a lot of time to serve. So instead of making money from robbing a bank, I'm just making license plates. "
"How long are you in?"
"Well, I'm forty now so I got twenty years but I figure with good health I can get out at 60 and rob a bank. Gotta make a living."
"Ever thought about getting a real job?"
"I did after all if they pay you a boatload of money with your talent then they'll take me in a second."
"You're too old."
"No I ain't! I broke out of the prison. Wasn't easy but I'm free. I just two blocks from your station now Julio. Fortunately I'm using a stolen cellphone from some FBI agent instead of a payphone so they can't trace the phone. "
"Ya well...anyway...it's been nice talking to you."
"Crap they found me. Shouldn't have worn that Elvis Presley shirt but man it looked so cool with my glow-in-the-dark boots. "
"I gotta tell you. You are about the dumbest criminal I have ever met."
"Wow, that's something comin from you!"
"Oh well, join us next time on the Julio Lugo show."
"Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye...from the Julio Lugo Show."
"Portions of the broadcast are paid for by the Roger Clemens charity fund. The Roger Clemens charity fund has been denying being a front for steroid drug sales for over twenty years. "
The Lugo Show
"Here comes Lugo now, Here comes Lugo now, Here comes Lugo now and its 3:00 am in the morning and he's out of money!"
"All right everyone. Welcome to the Lugo Show and I have no guest tonight so...like (yawn) we're going to go straight to the phones. Here's Joe. Hey Joe"
"It all makes sense now. I see it clearly. Don't you see it? The new Freedom Tower in New York City is going to hold the spirits of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Don't you see it but I'll stop them...I'll stop them."
"Sir, because I'm considered sane, it really makes it hard for me to understand this conversation but have a nice night. Hello you're on the air."
"Hello...are...you...suffering...from...erectile...dysfunction...then...call...1 800...555.2312...and...we'll."
"OK ...ah...ya well...please screen those #$#$ calls better. Ah...did you guys write down that phone number? Ah...never mind. Anyway...hello."
"My toe...my stupid toe hurts. Please make the pain go away. WAAAA!"
"Drew, this is the Lugo show. Can't we talk about this another time! Hello, you're on the air."
"My son is not gay anymore. I can't take it. Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend he isn't gay anymore and I find that very queer. Do you have any advice?"
"Ah...do you know...what the word gay...means?"
"Yes of course I do. It means you're not happy! Anybody knows that one"
"OK so I see you're not 'gay' about this situation with your son right?"
"Heaven forbid. I've been married for ten years. I am not a homosexual."
"You know this is the type of crap you get when you get a 3:00 am radio show. Me the star of the Baltimore Orioles. Anyway, hello you're on the air."
"Lugo...how in #$#$ hell can you have this stupid show on the radio and still play baseball for the Orioles. No wonder you stink! You're not getting enough sleep! You might actually be a quality player if you bothered to get rest!"
"Boss...ah...do you honestly think that more sleep will make me a better player."
(pause)
"Good point. See you in the morning."
"OK, now how's everyone (yawn) doing. OK, next call."
(heavy breathing)
"I want you...I want you so...OW...my hangnail. I can't take it. It hurts so much!"
"Drew get off the phone and that was not funny! Let's take another call...perhaps a sane one this time. Hello."
"Hello...............did.................................you.................know............................................."
"Get to the point!"
"you're............................right.........................to.................................................................."
"What?"
"Oh ya, it's a telemarketererer. OK well I knew that. Hangup. Anyway next caller."
"own...,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a.......................gun..........................................is.........."
"Hang the #$#$ phone up...someone. Are you sure? OK...next caller."
"but.....................................you.......................................................can......................"
"Oh for @#$#$ sake. HANG UP!"
"Mommy! I want my mommy! My underwear is itchy."
"Ok now you're getting gross Drew. I mean it. Hang up."
"OK that's it for the Lugo Show. See you next time.
"Lugo is gone...gone...Lugo is gone, gone...Lugo is gone, gone and he's gone back to bed."
"Portions of the Lugo show are paid by the Zazu fund. The Zazu fund, funding the arts and getting sweet tax writeoffs."
"All right everyone. Welcome to the Lugo Show and I have no guest tonight so...like (yawn) we're going to go straight to the phones. Here's Joe. Hey Joe"
"It all makes sense now. I see it clearly. Don't you see it? The new Freedom Tower in New York City is going to hold the spirits of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Don't you see it but I'll stop them...I'll stop them."
"Sir, because I'm considered sane, it really makes it hard for me to understand this conversation but have a nice night. Hello you're on the air."
"Hello...are...you...suffering...from...erectile...dysfunction...then...call...1 800...555.2312...and...we'll."
"OK ...ah...ya well...please screen those #$#$ calls better. Ah...did you guys write down that phone number? Ah...never mind. Anyway...hello."
"My toe...my stupid toe hurts. Please make the pain go away. WAAAA!"
"Drew, this is the Lugo show. Can't we talk about this another time! Hello, you're on the air."
"My son is not gay anymore. I can't take it. Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend he isn't gay anymore and I find that very queer. Do you have any advice?"
"Ah...do you know...what the word gay...means?"
"Yes of course I do. It means you're not happy! Anybody knows that one"
"OK so I see you're not 'gay' about this situation with your son right?"
"Heaven forbid. I've been married for ten years. I am not a homosexual."
"You know this is the type of crap you get when you get a 3:00 am radio show. Me the star of the Baltimore Orioles. Anyway, hello you're on the air."
"Lugo...how in #$#$ hell can you have this stupid show on the radio and still play baseball for the Orioles. No wonder you stink! You're not getting enough sleep! You might actually be a quality player if you bothered to get rest!"
"Boss...ah...do you honestly think that more sleep will make me a better player."
(pause)
"Good point. See you in the morning."
"OK, now how's everyone (yawn) doing. OK, next call."
(heavy breathing)
"I want you...I want you so...OW...my hangnail. I can't take it. It hurts so much!"
"Drew get off the phone and that was not funny! Let's take another call...perhaps a sane one this time. Hello."
"Hello...............did.................................you.................know............................................."
"Get to the point!"
"you're............................right.........................to.................................................................."
"What?"
"Oh ya, it's a telemarketererer. OK well I knew that. Hangup. Anyway next caller."
"own...,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a.......................gun..........................................is.........."
"Hang the #$#$ phone up...someone. Are you sure? OK...next caller."
"but.....................................you.......................................................can......................"
"Oh for @#$#$ sake. HANG UP!"
"Mommy! I want my mommy! My underwear is itchy."
"Ok now you're getting gross Drew. I mean it. Hang up."
"OK that's it for the Lugo Show. See you next time.
"Lugo is gone...gone...Lugo is gone, gone...Lugo is gone, gone and he's gone back to bed."
"Portions of the Lugo show are paid by the Zazu fund. The Zazu fund, funding the arts and getting sweet tax writeoffs."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Lugo show
"Here comes Lugo...Lugo...Lugo and he's out of money at the end of this year!!!!"
"OK Everyone. Welcome to the Julio Lugo show! Having a great year with the Orioles. The manager said nobody washes underwear like I do. Anyway, we have our guest Theo Epstein! Hey Theo!"
"I'm writing!"
"OK I see you're on your medication again. So how do you feel this year has been for the Red Sox."
"It's been a goo...goo...good year!"
"Wow, I can see now why you hired me. So tell me any plans for next year?"
"I'm really planning hard. Do you like my Wookie?"
"I don't have to answer that do I?"
"My pants are wet!"
"Ah, there not actually paying you are they?"
"I'm going to the bathroom on your microphone! It's so shiny"
"You are just twisted Theo. That's a new microphone!"
(pause)
"OK let's take some calls?"
"Oh hey Lugo, my question is for you? Do you think with all that's going on...I mean like when I get up in the morning and examine my prostate do you think that this is...what I mean is that at work with my coworkers, we're all talking about layoffs and all but this year with the Red Sox in third place..."
"Sir, can you ask the question after you're done with your electro-shock treatments?"
"OK, we'll take another question!"
"Hi Lugo...I think big government is the big problem. If we had small government than we'd be better and therefore I propose tearing down the government buildings and rebuilding it so they're smaller."
"What has this to do with baseball! Man these 3:00 am shows are a bad idea! Listen, until next time...I'm Julio Lugo!"
"OK Everyone. Welcome to the Julio Lugo show! Having a great year with the Orioles. The manager said nobody washes underwear like I do. Anyway, we have our guest Theo Epstein! Hey Theo!"
"I'm writing!"
"OK I see you're on your medication again. So how do you feel this year has been for the Red Sox."
"It's been a goo...goo...good year!"
"Wow, I can see now why you hired me. So tell me any plans for next year?"
"I'm really planning hard. Do you like my Wookie?"
"I don't have to answer that do I?"
"My pants are wet!"
"Ah, there not actually paying you are they?"
"I'm going to the bathroom on your microphone! It's so shiny"
"You are just twisted Theo. That's a new microphone!"
(pause)
"OK let's take some calls?"
"Oh hey Lugo, my question is for you? Do you think with all that's going on...I mean like when I get up in the morning and examine my prostate do you think that this is...what I mean is that at work with my coworkers, we're all talking about layoffs and all but this year with the Red Sox in third place..."
"Sir, can you ask the question after you're done with your electro-shock treatments?"
"OK, we'll take another question!"
"Hi Lugo...I think big government is the big problem. If we had small government than we'd be better and therefore I propose tearing down the government buildings and rebuilding it so they're smaller."
"What has this to do with baseball! Man these 3:00 am shows are a bad idea! Listen, until next time...I'm Julio Lugo!"
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Theo's hidden emails
Well, we've uncovered some startling emails from Theo Epstein. Here they are in full.
(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito, I'm really excited about having Eric Gagne on this team. I'm glad you're in full support of this decision. It will cost us a lot but so what right?
Theo
(2007: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo, I never said I was in support of this decision. If anything, I advised you against it. This is a bad idea. Please reconsider. I'm begging you.
(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...I am SO glad we talked this over. I was really struggling about this but with your amazing support for Eric Gagne, I feel we should sell our souls for this player. If it doesn't work out though, please remember this is all ON YOUR HEAD...Anyway, have a nice day.
Theo.
(2009: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...I don't EVER want another Lackey, Lugo, Bartolo, Drew, etc. trade...which is why I'm asking your opinion about John Lackey. Do you think I should pay him a ton of money?
Theo..
(2009: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...so many times I have given my recommendation and we seem to continually have misunderstandings on my resolution. As a man on blood thinners, I'm really sick of this...therefore, let me put it to you as plain as I can...GO TO HELL.
Tito.
(2009:TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...glad you're putting your support to this project. I paid double what Lackey is worth but I feel its worth it based solely on your recommendation. Wonderful. I'm glad we're on the same page.
Tito.
(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...once again your moves mystify me. Lackey is a disaster and lets not talk about having to continuously pay for Julio Lugo and D.L. Drew. I mean...what were you thinking?
Theo...
(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...I'm so glad we agree on something and that is your moves have been disasters. Frankly a chimpanzee and two trained monkees have more brain power in their heads than in your body!
Tito...
(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...glad we agree. Frankly your days are numbered in this organization if you keep making decisions like this. I'm considering not asking you for your feedback in the future. Sorry to be hard on such a loyal person as yourself but I have to.
Theo...
(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...no problem. Frankly a firing will be a blessing. I would suggest having Dan Quayle or Sarah Palin manage this club...no, even better you do it. I'm sure the fans will really love to have you face to face with them.
Tito.
There you have it. I'm Joe Derive.
(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito, I'm really excited about having Eric Gagne on this team. I'm glad you're in full support of this decision. It will cost us a lot but so what right?
Theo
(2007: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo, I never said I was in support of this decision. If anything, I advised you against it. This is a bad idea. Please reconsider. I'm begging you.
(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...I am SO glad we talked this over. I was really struggling about this but with your amazing support for Eric Gagne, I feel we should sell our souls for this player. If it doesn't work out though, please remember this is all ON YOUR HEAD...Anyway, have a nice day.
Theo.
(2009: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...I don't EVER want another Lackey, Lugo, Bartolo, Drew, etc. trade...which is why I'm asking your opinion about John Lackey. Do you think I should pay him a ton of money?
Theo..
(2009: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...so many times I have given my recommendation and we seem to continually have misunderstandings on my resolution. As a man on blood thinners, I'm really sick of this...therefore, let me put it to you as plain as I can...GO TO HELL.
Tito.
(2009:TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...glad you're putting your support to this project. I paid double what Lackey is worth but I feel its worth it based solely on your recommendation. Wonderful. I'm glad we're on the same page.
Tito.
(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...once again your moves mystify me. Lackey is a disaster and lets not talk about having to continuously pay for Julio Lugo and D.L. Drew. I mean...what were you thinking?
Theo...
(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...I'm so glad we agree on something and that is your moves have been disasters. Frankly a chimpanzee and two trained monkees have more brain power in their heads than in your body!
Tito...
(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)
Tito...glad we agree. Frankly your days are numbered in this organization if you keep making decisions like this. I'm considering not asking you for your feedback in the future. Sorry to be hard on such a loyal person as yourself but I have to.
Theo...
(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)
Theo...no problem. Frankly a firing will be a blessing. I would suggest having Dan Quayle or Sarah Palin manage this club...no, even better you do it. I'm sure the fans will really love to have you face to face with them.
Tito.
There you have it. I'm Joe Derive.
Incompetence
There is no other way of looking at it. The Red Sox have gotten as incompetent as the Yankees in payroll...perhaps moreso, failing to tap into their farm system and instead hitting the free agent market for short term fixes.
When you look at the 2007 team, it was Dustin Pedroia, not free agent J.D. Drew that carried the team. Jonathan Papelbon, not Eric Gagne carried the team and certainly a smart trade of Josh Beckett dominated where Dice-K languished and wore out the bullpen.
Teams that win World Series can do it on tons of cash flow but consider the Rays. They have a dominate farm system and have an almost laughable payroll compared to the Yankees but are just one game back compared to the billion dollar fund of New York. Do you need brains to hire C.C. Sebastia? No you don't but you certainly need brains to get the Rays to where they are as a team.
Its time that baseball become a game of intelligence instead of a game of money.
When you look at the 2007 team, it was Dustin Pedroia, not free agent J.D. Drew that carried the team. Jonathan Papelbon, not Eric Gagne carried the team and certainly a smart trade of Josh Beckett dominated where Dice-K languished and wore out the bullpen.
Teams that win World Series can do it on tons of cash flow but consider the Rays. They have a dominate farm system and have an almost laughable payroll compared to the Yankees but are just one game back compared to the billion dollar fund of New York. Do you need brains to hire C.C. Sebastia? No you don't but you certainly need brains to get the Rays to where they are as a team.
Its time that baseball become a game of intelligence instead of a game of money.
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