Red Sox Convention

(A meeting at the 2010 Red Sox Convention)
"Hey Bill!"
"Hey Fred."
"Hey Fred, did you get that trivia answer..."
"Oh ya, It was Doug Griffen that drove in the run..."
"Ah...sorry it was Jim Rice."
"Ah crap!"
"On top of that I was there when the truck went down to Florida...where were you!"

"Ah..excuse me and welcome to the 40th annual Red Sox convention."

(loud cheers and applause)

"Today we have something really special. We have the 1975 Red Sox playbook signed by a fan who used it for scrap paper and its only $40.00. Any offers?"

"Ya, I'll take it"

The crowd cheers. Bill was obviously jealous of Fred.

"OK, now we have a really special guest with us today. Let's all give a hand for the forgiven and beloved Bill Buckner!"
The crowd cheers and chants. Bill walks on stage looking confused and forlorn.

"Ah...OK, ya, well hey...Red Sox...is that my shirt?"
"Ya, said Bill. "I bought it off of Ebay last year. What a steal at $240.00."
"But, "snapped Bill. "I threw it in the garbage after my dog...ah...never mind."
Bill smiled meekly at the audience.
"Anyway, ah...welcome...ah...ya!"
"Hey Mr. Buckner. I just wanted to say that my grandfather called you a (censored) for losing the game and then died two days later but I wanted you to know that I forgive you!"
Bill's jaw fell half a meter before he recovered it.
"Ya, that's...great...ya..I'm...touched."
"Mr. Buckner, "cheered Fred.
"Ya, you in the...what are you wearing?"
"Oh ya, the underwear from Dwight Evans after he hit that homer against the Baltmore Orioles in 1975 on September 7th...at 9:30 pm....Eastern Standard Time. He was facing..."
"OK...I got the point and I really don't want to know how you got that either."
"OK, said Fred. "Anyhow, I was wondering that game against Cleveland..."
' "Ah...what game against Cleveland?"
"You know in 1986 when..."
''Ah...that was a long time ago..."
Bill paused.
"Ya but I just bet my house and if I lose this house I lose the bet so I can't let that happen."
"Wait, "snapped Bill. "You bet your house on my memory of a game that's over 20 years ago...I mean...are you nuts?"
"See that's what my friend said that you wouldn't remember and I forgave you for losing 1986 and put in an obstacle course in my back yard just in case you came by and wanted to work on stuff."
"OK...", snapped Bill. "Listen I've attended quite a few of these conventions and really listened to you fans and not that I'm not grateful but...GET A LIFE!"
A shocked whirled around the audience.
"I mean its just a kids game with a bunch of guys trying to get through a day. I mean when I retired I lived. I didn't just focus on past baseball games. That's nuts!"
A person raised his hand.
"Are you saying we should focus on today's baseball instead."
"No that's not what I'm saying at all. Gee you people, you live in your parent's basements and debate this stuff and steal my underwear and shirts and...
"That was Dwight Evan's underwear."
"Whatever...when I left the Red Sox I lived. I had a life. I kissed girls and got married...ah...excuse me the manager wants to talk to me.."
A pause as a disgruntled crowd stews. Bill shouts out "contract" and that's all that's heard.
He humbling walks back on stage.
"Ah...that of course was a reinactment of my rant after losing the World Series in 1986...in..."
"September" the manager snapped.
"Ya well welcome and I'm sure I can answer all your...questions...and go...Sox!"

Requium for Mike Lowell

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is sports.

You really have to feel bad for Mikey Lowell. Ya, he's called Mikey and that name better reflects how the clubhouse feels about it. He's a gem, the 2007 MVP and one heck of a classy guy. I mean it, he's a rare breed in the world of Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriquez. This guy has class and I mean class. He doesn't back stab and he goes out there every day feeling like a broken man but never acts it. He's a guy that every team needs -- the guy that can show everyone else that pain is something that doesn't stop you from entering the field.
Instead the Sox have made a ton of motions to dump him, after he was the MVP for 2007, after he took a lousy contract and after he endured a year of pain and grief struggling to recover from major surgery but what do the Sox do -- dump him.
Now I know, I'm a reporter and I'm not supposed to feel or get involved. I'm supposed to report but it digs at you knowing that this team needs Mike and Theo Epstein acts as if the spreadsheet formulas don't add up but you can't have character as a line on a spreadsheet. You can't and so it gets ignored. J.D. Drew, with all due respect is always fighting pain and he doesn't have half the determination of Mike Lowell.
So I rant but the biggest mistake the Sox are doing is getting rid of Mike Lowell. You hurt the team and you send a message to that team -- don't stick around -- we don't want you. Maybe Manny Ramirez acted like a lousy immature child but he had a point -- the Sox need to listen to their players and treat them with the respect they deserve and nobody deserves more than Mike Lowell.

I'm Joe Derive...

Damon the demon

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is sports:

Ya, its true. Johnny Damon got on to the Tigers and finally the press can move on from that story. I've met Johnny and all I can say is "insecure" is my middle name but heck, its baseball and when you get older you get insecure and you always have to sell yourself. You can never be good enough but I'm so tired of the JD lines.
"I can make the team better, I can help them win a world series, I can..." Gee am I tired of these stupid interviews. Here is my ideal interview.

"Johnny, can you stop saying the 'I can help the team get better line. ' It's getting old."
"Sure, Joe. I'm really sorry, I guess I was feeling really insecure about myself. Wow, I'm sorry."
"Another thing, can you stop bragging about how you can help a team win a world series. Johnny, only a total idiot would think you alone could help the Washington Senators."
"Ya, that's true Joe and what I should have said was that I need a job and I don't want to give up the game because I know I'll be doing not much of anything after that that's as exciting as baseball. Instead I'll be a fat slob watching soap operas and eating Twinkies."
"Now, can you apologize to the Red Sox for your promising not to sign with the Yankees and then signing with them."
"You know, I feel absolutely bad about that. What was I thinking. My ego once again got the best of me. I still have trouble sleeping over that. I'm really sorry. What an ass I made of myself."

Ya, well, we call can dream. Instead here is what Johnny said on the Julio Lugo radio show last night.

"OK Johnny, welcome to Lugo show and all...how'd you actually get a job anyway?"
"Hey (censored) you, you (censored). This is Johnny Damon talking here. I've got the biggest (censored) in history and everybody better get down and worship it and me in that order!"
"Ya, well, that's so disgusting on so many levels!"
"You, you're like the water boy that we all fear. You're an idiot. I can take the Washington Senators and turn them into the dynasty of the century just by smiling. I'm God so worship me you loser!"
"OK, well, how can your head get through a door with that ego!"
"Easy, I build a bigger door. Ha, Ha, Ha..."

So ya see folks, this is why I hate Johnny Damon. I'm Joe Derive

Hitting

Hey, I'm Joe Derive and this is sports.
.
You know something about hitting. It's the only technology in today's world which guarantees huge pay for failure. Now before you get confused, let me explain.
When you look at baseball the first number a hitter projects is the average. Even the best hitters have terrible averages. If you hit an even .300 (for ease), that means that you have failed to get a hit 7 out of the last 10 times at bat. Yet we pay you millions to get three hits out of ten. It gets worse. When you have a big bat and bang out 30 home runs a year, that means you get 30 runs out of 162 games. With an average of 3 appearances that means 162 * 3 or 486 times and you get 30 home runs. That's 30/486 or .062 times in a season...and we hunger for those hits. It's crazy and yet that's our thinking.
So, with that in mind, you'll forgive me if I think hitting is weird. It's VERY weird. I mean its beyond comprehension for me. Take RBI's. That may be the only number that makes sense to me. You found a way to drive in a run. You get 100 RBI's and that's 100/486 times at bat or .21 times you get runs. Of course lots of them are double plays or fly balls to center field...but what do I know.
So what's my point? My point is this -- there is a reason why you only get 4 or so runs a game with maybe 11 hits. Hitting is brutally hard. You've got this bullet shotting at you and are expected to make a decision in less than a second. On top of that the ball changes speed and location. I mean sometimes its just dumb luck or just power. No matter how you look at it, hitting is a killer. Guys who can get 3 out of 10 times are miracles as far as I'm concerned. Jason Varitek was becoming an automatic out but everybody forgot how hard it is to hit that baseball. Pitching is very tough and guys that get 300 averages have medicre pitching to thank for it.
So the next time you see a guy struggling have mercy because in reality, hitting is the hardest thing to do in baseball. It really is which is why guys do steroids and everything else to get ahead because its just that hard. Now I'm not saying its right but I am saying its reality.

I'm Joe Derive.

stupid questions

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is sports!

Now last article, which I hope you all read, was about my memories of baseball. I was feeling old and worn out and its easy to do here when you're dealing with the show called baseball news.
Did you ever hear or read us asking questions to players. Of course you have. Most of the time they'll give the party line and frankly, the worst feeling in the world is heading into a locker room to ask players why they messed up. So how do we do it? Simple, we ask the dumbest questions known to mankind because we can't think of anything else to say and the players answer the dumbest questions with the dumbest answers. It's all in the game.

"Can you tell us what was happening on the mound tonight"
(translation...here's your chance now to answer this stupid question! Ya...not)

"How did it feel after so many successful wins to struggle out there like that"
(translation...apparently in sports we get confused when people are human so help us out!)

"What do you think you can do to solve this dilemma."
("translation...here's your chance to explain the unexplainable...again!)

Yes, after a while these questions get tiring but don't worry. The players themselves have it all figured out for us. Let's run these questions again but this time with the answers provided. If you're wondering why no names are attached, that's because they're all the same!

"Can you tell us what was happening on the mount tonight"
"I had my fastball but my breaking ball was off. The hitters were seeing it."

OR

"My shoulder was hurt. I've been pitching a lot lately but I'm for the team first."

OR

"I don't know. I had good stuff but they just kept hitting it..."

OR

"My fastball was off but I had a good breaking ball. The hitters were seeing it."

Ya, you got it. It all sounds like every single pitcher we've ever interviewed and that's because it is. There is no difference. Now its their turn!

"How did it feel after so many successful wins to struggle out there like that"
"You know my fastball was good but I had problems with my breaking ball. The hitters were just seeing it.

OR

"I don't know. I had good stuff but they kept hitting it..."

OR

"My fastball was off but I had a good breaking ball. The hitters were seeing it.

Are we seeing a pattern here???

"What do you think you can do to solve this dilemma."
"I'm working with (fill in the blank and vary the name) on some stuff"
OR

"My mechanics were off. I'm working with (fill in the blank and vary the name) on some stuff"
OR

"I feel good. I felt good out there...they just got hits but I'm working with (fill in the blank) on some stuff"

Ya, sounds familiar doesn't it. That's because its all a show. That's the inside secret. Now I'll admit once in a while you get the odd ones. Dice-K for one hasn't yet learned at all how to play the media game...and it shows...but in general that's how it works.
So I hoped you had a laugh. I know I did because after 162 games those questions could be stuck in a tape recorder and run back at full speed.

Next time we'll look at hitters.

Yesterday's Tale-

Hey, I'm Joe Derive, your local reporter on everything Red Sox and spring training is about the worst time to be a reporter. Lots of no news.
Anyway, today, I got to thinking about baseball. Ya I know, that's what I do right? You know though, I gotta tell ya, baseball to me is more than pro ball. Call me old fashioned but asking a player for the thousanth time "how do you feel about..." get mind numbing. I mean really, how's he supposed to feel. He blew the game! I swear reporters ask the be-stupid questions and are proud of it. That of course forces the player to act like an idiot with the usual , " well I love the team and we're all in this together..." when all he really wants to do is kick the locker, slam a beer down his throat and go to bed. I mean, be real!
That's what got me to thinking about my own childhood and what baseball meant to me. You see that game was a sign of summer. When we hit the park, and in those days you could do it without parental supervision, we played ball the way it was meant to be played with grit and gusto and a lot of fun. We had sticks for bases and dirt for our uniforms and character.
I'd like to tell you about some of those characters. First names only! There was Joey. Joey had a lousy right leg and could barely run but he could hit a baseball and everyone loved him. We had Henry, who later became an FBI guy and he could hit and run and play hard. He reminded me a lot of Ron Howard the director. Same super nice guy personality that was going places in this world. There was Alex who never left that neighborhood. Heck, he never left his house. To this day he's still there but his baseball days are over but everytime we talk it reminds me of those summer days. Then there was Brian who made the mistake of swearing to another kid. That kid slugged him in the stomach. Despite the fact that there were seven of us and two of them, we were too scared to tackle em. Some tough guys we were hu!
I mean when we played the game we didn't care about contracts or stupid interviews or steroids. We played the game to mark the beginning of summer and the start of school. Baseball to us was our religion. It didn't matter if we won or not. What mattered was we were away from the world and its chaos. We were just by ourselves smelling green grass and trees. Sometimes I wonder what happened to those guys. I'm sure all of em' look back and see it as kid stuff but to me I was more alive then than I am today sometimes.
So here I am today having to ask Dice-K about his stupid sore back. I mean, this guys like the toothache that never goes away. A sore back? So what can I do? I have to ask, "how ya feeling today...and what is the outlook" and any number of pointless questions that never get answered because the press gets fed back takeout with a smile.
Na, that's not baseball. To me, its Fall River Massachuesetts at an old park with huge trees and character in neigborhoods without freaks and pediphiles where a bunch of kids passed the time playing real baseball and none of us ever went on the disabled list. Not once. But all of that's gone now. They world's changing so fast. Today's kids will never know the fun it was just to be in a world of your peers without everybody looking down at ya to make sure you smile for the camera.

I'm Joe Derive

Spring Training report

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I'm here in Florida talking to the Red Sox and giving you, the reader, the inside scoop on what's going on down here.

My first assignment was touching base with the colorful Jonathan Papelbon. The hard throwing right hander blew the playoffs and it showed. He taped the inning and plays it over and over again when he'e worn out and tired. I was impressed.
(Let me clarify. I was impressed that the Red Sox kept buying new LCD monitors for everytime that Jonathan smashed the screen with a hammer after viewing his footage).

I also asked Jonathan about his future with the team. He said he wants to play with the Red Sox for a long time and yet he won't sign a long term contract. Instead he keeps his options open but he also said he's not seeing the Yankees in the future.
(Let me clarify. Jonathan, never take a lie detector test. You won't pass.)

I also asked Jonathan about his using the fastball exclusively instead of mixing pitches. Jonathan told me that he realized that throwing just the fastball made him very predictable and easily hitable and he wants to mix up his pitches this season.
(Let me clarify. Jonathan is the front runner for the 'Du' award.)

I also met with Dice-K. he hurt his back the minute he walked into spring training. He says its not serious and he should be fine.
(Let me clarify. Dice-K you can take your back and your contract and *** censored ***. And another thing you *** censored *** of *** censored ***, I'm tired of your *** censored ***, *** censored *** attitude. Nuff said!

The Sox say they have better communication with Dice-K this year. That's a great thing.
(Let me clarify: I can think of some guys at the loading docks that are very helpful with player manager communication. You listening Dice-K!)

Now, I don't want you to think that all things are bad. Clay Buckotz looks remarkable with a huge amount of weight gain. He shed that tiny exterior and looks bulked. Clay says its a hard workout schedule and he worked very hard all winter to build his body up.
(Let me clarify. What do Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriques have in common?)

I also met up with Tim Wakefield. I like Tim Wakefield and admire his determination. he's worked hard for what he gets and takes damn good care of himself. I hope he does well this season and proves to everyone that he's got a year left in him.
(Let me clarify. Dice-K has given him a fifth spot since that *** censored *** of *** censored*** won't last ten games. Here's a hint Boston. If the Mets want the player, stay *** censored *** away. )


That's all for now. Stay with me, Joe Derive, all season long as I bring you the straight scoop on the Red Sox all season long. Did I just say that twice? Man I'm thinking like Jonathan Papelbon now!

Scott Boras argues for better stats!

Scott Boras, infamous in baseball circles for offering up players at ever increasing prices struggled to unload...errr to give players the money they deserved. Cases in point were Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon. However, thanks to the new stats in baseball, Scott is confident everything is going to change.

"The problem with managers is that they don't see the overall picture. They look at these stat sheets and get nowhere. Certainly OBP (on base percentage) is a great state. Now guys who hit into double plays and look like idiots can get credit for getting on base as long as they beat it to the bag! It really makes players look good. Also look at the Hold number for pitchers. You could give up 13 runs and as long as you don't give up the lead you get credit. I love it....but not that much of course. Now take the new numbers. Take for example the BCP. If you look at that number, those .110 hitters are ignored and that's bad for baseball."

The BCP (or bat contact percentage) calculates the number of times that the player actually makes contact with the ball. It does not consider if an actual hit came out of it. Even a foul tip raises the numbers. The BCP is really a lifesaver to many players who were let go. The New York Mets now wished they fought harder for Julio Lugo who struggled desperately at the plate.

"Another problem with managers is defense. They fail to look at the all important number of GBCP. That number alone shows how good these players are. I'm already getting calls from players with s0-called-errors because managers now realize it wasn't their fault. It was the rules of the game."

The GBCP (Ground ball contact percentage) calculates if the player actually makes any contact with the baseball. Even if it touches their finger and rolls politely into left field for a hit, will be counted as a talented move by the player. Some have argued this is a total sham but baseball commissioner Bud Selig sats its a good idea -- whatever it was that was said.

"Another problem is injuries but once again baseball managers fail to realize just how healthy our players are! The NDP will show that actually no player in baseball really gets injured. J.D. Drew is actually one healthy player and so is Julio Lugo. Dice-K himself, according to this new statistic exposes the fact that Dice-K did play all last season but nobody recorded it."

The NDP (Not dead percentage) calculates if the player is actually alive. This gives Dice-K a perfect health record despite not playing most of last season with nagging injuries -- that weren't actually injuries since he wasn't dead or something like that. Managers are in an uproar but Dice-K and others say its finally going to relive the frustration they felt when they NP healthy.

"The NP (not play) stat shows that all players have perfect attendace even if they didn't play since it works in conjunction with the NDP (not dead percentage). In other words, as long as you are not dead, you were at that game. Finally instead of saying that these players don't play, we can see they do. Come on, Jed Lowrie had a fantastic full season last year with a staggering amount of at bats."

Jed Lowrie had a 100% NP (not played) stat since he missed all of last season due to an apparently non-wrist injury since his NDP (not dead percentage) was at 100%. Jed said, "and they said I was not healthy. Those idiots. Don't they realize that my NP and my NDP was at 100%.

"When you add it all up, each player should be making over 400 million a year. Take Julio Lugo. Under the old stats, he was terrible but when you look at his NDP (not dead percentage) and his NP (not played) and his BCP (bat contact percentage) and especially his GBCP (ground ball contact percentage) you have a winner. Then you add his TTP at 100% you've got a future Hall of Famer!"

The TTP or target throwing percentage means that if you get the ball and manage to throw it...anywhere, that increases your TTP or target throwing percentage since the target is the air around you. Even if you throw it into the stands your TTP goes up. Julio Lugo, who made it a specialty to throw the ball into the stands took great pride in his new stat adding that the Red Sox had treated him cruely by saying he was an embarrassment to the team. All they have to do is look at the TTP and see the reality.

"Finally, the UCRA you have pitchers that are at their prime. I'm tired of pitchers with an ERA of 10. Look at UCRA and you have .01. Sign them up!"

The UCRA (uncounted run average) examines what actually constitutes a run. Considering that the TTP (target throwing percentage) as well as GBCP (ground ball contact percentage) we realize that the run was inevitable since no error is possible anymore no matter what the pitcher did and serves as an uncounted run. If you have no idea what we just said, neither do we but apparently Scott Boras has argued the number is perfectly clear if you look at it long enough. We tried and still didn't get it but certainly Scott wasn't trying to pull a fast one on baseball. Now subtract the ERA (earned run average) from the UCRA (uncounted runs) and you get a really low ERA. Actually with this stat the numbers are usually negative. For example, with an E.R.A. of 10.12 and a UCRA of 12 you have an adjusted ERA of -2.12.

Now many former baseball players call this the "death of baseball" as we know it. Bud Selig calls it "nap time" so we have no comment from him but for players like Julio Lugo, it's a second life. He recently said, "Basball can make you look awful. Even with a 329 batting average, oh how I dreamed...that still means, on average, the other 7 times you got an out. I can't live with that, but thanks to the BCP (bat contact percentage), I'm unstoppable and even when I get a hit, thanks to the UCRA (uncounted run average) and my NDP (not dead percentage) I can really tear up the field. Oh man my head hurts. Does anyone understand these statistics besides Scott Boras! Oh ya, my TTP is also high!

"The big lesson here is how we look at the numbers. Do it right and we are looking at people who no longer need steroids. They just need their adjustments. All those power hitters belting out 100 to 2000 PHR's realize that!

"The PHR or possible home run looks at the idea that if you meant to get a home run but it flew instead into the air to be caught, that counts as a possible home run. Bud Selig said that Hank Aaron's record was beaten a long time ago. I had no idea that Johnny Damon hit 5000 PHR's a year. In five years along that 25 thousand PHR's or HR's for short...that's right isn't it.

We leave it for you to decide

Truck Day cracks driver (satire)

Ever heard of Truck Day? It's when the faithful fans of Fenway gather early in the morning for the first sign of spring. That's when the Fenway truck heads down to Florida to open up spring training.
"It's a little weird,"said long time trucker Dale Quirk, "but hey...its Boston. I've done it in St. Louis before this but I'm sure the fans here are nice!"
Many fans gathered like Trishia, who was treated for frostbite at a local hospital but says it was worth it to get a look at the truck. "That was about the dumbest thing I ever done. "
However things changed when Dale headed down to Florida. He started noticing about fifteen cars following him with lights on waving Red Sox flags.
"Ya, that's when it got a little crazy. I ignored it as just fan obsession but it got worse! A lot worse!"
Every time Dale stopped for gas he was inundated with autograph requests and photos.
"I thought, OK, this is bordering on insane. I'm just a lousy truck driver and they're treating me like I'm Johnny Damon or something...which by the way I learned quick you don't mention Yankee players in Boston. Oh my back still hurts!"
However Dale was a good sport about it especially when fans started hosting parades and uploading photos of Dale in his hotelroom.
"I thought what the #$#$. These people are nuts!"
Dale himself seemed excited about the fans and waved to them every chance he got usually with his finger. Fans themselves were delighted and knew Dale had a sense of humor when they stole his spare tires and auctioned them off on ebay!
"These were my #@$#$ spare tires. I'll kill em!"
Dale's enthusiasm just grew more and more each day as more and more of his truck was auctioned off during the night.
"I'll blow their heads off. Where the #$$ are my headlights and...they took the windshield wipers and I can't drive without a door! It's freezing out here!"
Dale himself grew ever enthusiastic waking up one morning and discovering all his clothes disappeared and he was left with just his underwear and boots.
"This is nuts. How in hell can I make it to Florida!"
Dale perhaps felt it was getting too much when he noticed that his entire truck run was being put on YouTube in a 24/7 show with Red Sox music playing over it.
"I'm can't take it anymore. I'm a lousy truck driver. I don't even know any of the players. Gee, and then I mention Julio Lugo and they start throwing fire crackers at me.
Dale never did make it to Florida and instead is residing in a local sanitariam. He doesn't mind though as fans took up positions on staff just to take photos and make him feel welcomed.

Here's Johnny

"Hello, my name is Johnny Damon. I'm so happy to be getting so many offers to make a team better. My wife and I...we're by the phone listening to lots of offers. Why you can check my phone records."
"Johnny, McDonalds called and said that they can't pay you $14 million for flipping burgers! Did you really ask for that much?"
"Hey, I'm on the #$#$ TV so shut up!"
(Johnny turns towards the camera)
"Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm also working with the New York Yankees as well."
"Johnny, remember the Yankees put a restraining order on you for phone harassment."
"Hey, didn't ya here what I said. Shut up!"
(Johnny turning towards camera)
"Of course the Yankees gave me lots of offers...ya."
A long pause.
"OK, now I'm being realistic here. I really am. There is a slight possibility that Johnny Damon may have priced himself out of the market. "
"Slight! Johnny the German league said they wouldn't even take you as water boy. What should I tell them?"
A short pause.
"Hey, will you please stop interrupting. People might think of me as a complete idiot!"
"Ya, can't imagine why!"
(Johnny turns towards the camera)
"Now, I could blame myself but I want you to know, I have an alternative deal already set up and here is the pilot."

"Introducing the Johnny Damon Power Hour, with your host Johnny Damon."
(audience clapping hard)
"Hey everyone. Welcome to the Johnny Damon Power Hour!"
(audience cheers)
"What...I'm fired!"

"OK, so I overpriced myself...so can anyone please give me a job!"