Remembering Jim Rice

It's so hard to keep up this blog for an audience of probably one -- thanks Julia! -- but I keep trying, but I have to admit that at some point I'll be closing the blog...perhaps at the end of the August. It's just too hard to keep up anymore.

Today, I just wanted to congratulate Jim Rice. There was a memory that brought me back to 1975, another era where Jim Rice was at his finest. The 1975 team so far has produced Hall of Famers in Carl Yastremski, Carlton Fisk and Jim Rice. That was a team. Certainly Dwight Evans and Louis Tiant deserve consideration but I doubt we'll see them there.
Jim Rice was from my childhood and to see him make the hall was a great moment. It also reflected how much time has passed and that my childhood is a distant memory. I feel old today and while Jim accepts his accolates and now is a part of that great body of legends, I feel a forgotten memory. Isnt't that pathetic!
The reality is that most of us will live our lives in obscurity and bear little witness to recognition of our accomplishments. Perhaps we are the real heroes. We don't do it for fame or glory or awards. We do it because we love life and because our rewards are hidden in our hearts in the pride we take in raising families, holding down a steady and respectable job and just doing our best to take in the life we lead.
I'm happy for Jim Rice. I'm really happy for Jim Rice. He's had tremendous struggles and deserves that acknowledgement but I think of all the players like Evans and Burleson and Doyle who worked just as hard but failed to get into that place of fame. Who will speak their voices and honor their contributions to this game? I suppose for them, they can take comfort in knowing that so many of us still remember their voices.
I recently saw a documentary of Bill Lee playing ball in Cuba. Still using the arm that was torn apart by a fight with New York. Lee remembered that moment, as do I, and basically said you move on. That's what you do in life. You don't get upset about it.' Well put Bill Lee. You may be forgotten by the Hall but you certainly are not for me.
Take care everyone.

Pace Yourself.

Pressures

Jonathan Papelbon sat in the clubhouse. A meeting was called to order. Everyone was in attendance. Theo Epstein came to greet the crowd.

“Hey everyone, just wanted to say how much we're going to miss Mark Kotsay. I hope that's not going to affect everyone's performance. After all, we're about making the team a better team.”

Everyone felt sweat drip down their brows. Everyone felt their hands shake.

“This certainly doesn't mean that you're next of course...”

Theo's eyes beamed across the room starring at Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell along with Jason Bay and David Ortiz.

“We give everyone a chance to excel in a reasonable amount of time...even if that is...ah...two days or so!”

Theo's eyes beamed across the room.

“I gotta...I gotta crap, “said Brad Penny running to the bathroom.

“I...I gotta crap, “said John Smotz.

He also burst from the room and ran to the bathroom.

“Of course we want to acknowledge the players that have meant so much to us over the years.”

A pause.

“Now that we've done that let's look at areas of improvement.”

The phone rang. Jonathan Papelbon picked it up.

“Hello.”

“Ya...ah...can we talk later...ya...go pinstripes!”

A pause.

“As I was saying, our goal here is to create a winning atmosphere where you win the World Series every single year...or else!”

Dustin Pedroia nodded.

“Ah...I gotta crap, “said Jason Varitek who hobbled to the bathroom grabbing his stomach as if it were going to fall out of his belly.

“Because winning means not winning the Playoffs...but LOSING the World Series!”

“Ah...Big Papi going to throw up...now!”

Others soon followed as a wave of nausea came across the room.

“Each of you are replaceable and are welcome to go home.”

Coughing and gagging fell through the room. A bottle of scotch was passed around the room.

“Those with BACK PROBLEMS!!!!”

J.D. Drew fell on the floor in pain.

“Those with HIP PROBLEMS!!!”

Mike Lowell hobbled to the bathroom.

“Those with INCONSISTENT ARMS!!!”

Manny Delcarman hit the wall falling into tears,

“Those who THINK they are free AGENTS but SUCK!”

Jason Bay fell on the floor in grueling pain.

“Those who are, in general, who fail to get the MVP award this YEAR...because they SUCK!”

Dustin nodded listening like a good schoolboy and waving to Theo.

“Those who can't manage to get a player OUT at second base...because your arm SUCKS!”

Jason Varitek, who came out of the bathroom fell back into the bathroom.

“Those who think they are Johan Santana but SUCK!!!!”

John Lester fell to the ground and began to mumble to himself.

“WILL NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!!!”

A pause as everyone else started crying.

“OK...anyway, Go Sox and have a good day!”

Theo walked out as Tito nodded in shock and wondered what was next.

Mr. Obvious Offers Answers

It was a subdued and quiet exchange of ideas that filtered through the musty room of the Texas clubhouse. The Sox, who had lost the last four games were at a panic situation as three droll figures sat around Theo Epstein's desk. A sigh opened the meeting as Tito Francona, Mr. Obvious, spoke.
“It appears that our strategy of allowing an average of four runs per game while our hitting continues to excel at one to two runs per game has a flaw in its reasoning. I suggest we change or perhaps reverse this strategy.”
“We must get Julio Lugo back, “snapped Theo. “We should trade Jacobe Ellsbury and Clay Buckholz for him. He will fix problem!”
The grinning smile only sent chills down Joe Madden's face.
“Ah...ya...but we're struggling.”
“You're right, “said Theo. “We should get Manny Ramirez back. I suggest we give away the starting lineup of the team and our entire Pawtucket Red Sox club. That will fix things. Manny can hit!”
“That is obvious but the problem is that...”
“No, that is a bad idea, “retorted Theo upon further reflection. “We should get Joba Chamberlane from the Yankees. We will give the Yankees our entire pitching staff.”
“My head, “remarked Joe Madden.
“My stomach, “snapped Tito.
“My brilliance, “smiled Theo epstein.
A pause.
“I suggest we start winning games instead of losing them, “said Theo Epstein. “That is something we can do without giving away half the team and get Julio Lugo back!”
“What is your obsession with Julio Lugo, “snapped Tito!
“Julio Lugo was a sparkplug and we spent many a quality evenings together...”
“That's more than I want to know, “said a desperate Tito. “That is obvious!”
A pause.
“Let's get Frank Catalanotta. He needs a job and together with Julio Lugo with a combined OBP of 109 he's sure to light fires in the clubhouse!”
Tito said, “He will light fires all right but I sense burning them at the stake will not help out the team's morale nor their murder records!”
A pause.
“How about Tony Pena Jr., Julio Lugo and Frank Catalanotta for Pedroia and Youk! I really like that and we can get Jason Gabbard in there!”
“It's Kason!”
A long pause. Theo looked around and said, “how does he do that?”
Tito said, “that is obvious that Jason...!”
“It's Kason...how can you be so dumb!”
A pause.
“I think this meeting is over. We have to figure out why Jason's keeps claiming his name is Kason. If we cannot figure that out, we cannot figure out our team's problems!”
“It's Kason and you're right!”
A pause.
“That is obvious!”

Julio Lugo's Dream of Domination

Tonight on 60 Minutes, you may have known him as the shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, but as Leslie Stalled reports, this neural specialist at John Hopkins says he put baseball away a long time ago and instead is focused on the world.”

(speaking in Chinese)

“I gave up baseball and decided to become someone that can change a world. I became a doctor, learned fifteen or languages, and became an ambassador to the world but that's when I'm not building bionic arms for the soldiers. I'm busy you know but it's worth it.”

Tonight meet Dr. Julio Lugo of John Hopkins...on 60 Minutes.

Clock ticks on the screen

His name is Julio Lugo. Dismissed by the Red Sox in July of 2009, Dr. Lugo who received his diploma while playing baseball, decided that it was time to stop playing the game of baseball altogether, faking his ineptitude and incompetence, and when released, began immediately running the neurology department at John Hopkins.

(speaking in Russian)

“I have a passion for medicine and that's why I didn't play well with the Red Sox. It was so hard getting my degree from John Hopkins, mastering fifteen languages and learning bionics to help out soldiers. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep at night. I pretended to be the idiot because I didn't want to show pretense to my fellow man. I am Lugo.”

John Hopkins welcomed Lugo who helped reinvent medicine. Witness Dr. John Rutherford of Hopkins.

“Lugo looked like an idiot on the field but when he performed the first frontal lobe transplant, we all took him seriously and we all respected his brilliance and frankly, when he did the operation while learning Celtic on his ipod...it just blew my mind.”

(speaking in Arabic)

“I simply want to help others out when I can. I was called Lugnuts and I kept that name because I'm the one that holds the wheels together! I am Lugo.”

Lugo really has taking his Boston salary and donating it to African children whom he performs brain transplants on once a year to help out the comatose. He's the only doctor in the world with the skill and intelligence to do it.
(speaking in French)

I perform the transplants not to show my technical experience or brilliance which I suppose I have in abundance, but to show the world that brain transplants are possible and can help out so many. Next year when I master spinal repairs is when I will accept my Nobel prize but the money goes to the Jimmy Fund. “

Ludo doesn't have long to wait. He already received a Nobel prize in medicine retroactively for his pioneering work in brain transplants and bionics. No longer are soldiers required to go home with no arms.

(Speaking in the alternating tongues of Italian and Portuguese)

I won't brag about my abilities or my techniques. I find the rewards enough and ask others to shy away from arrogance and pride. I am Lugo with a Dr. in front of my name.

Lugo says that life is good for him. Already he has fifteen homes but sold fourteen of them and gave the land to national parks. He speaks often to sell out crowds and praises the world for what it can accomplish.

(speaking in German)

With my language abilities I can aid others in understanding how we are one world and one people. I see a vision where the world can look to me to rule them with justice and fairness and if they so chose to worship me I will not stop them. I see world takeover and domination my next ambitious step but it will be some time before it bears fruition. In the meantime I am content to be who I am...for now!”

(speaking in Hebrew)

You know, you can know a hundred languages but in the end you are still a human...

(speaking in Klingon)

While war demands our resources....

(speaking in Vulcan)

It is peace and logic that demands our future.

It's hard not to feel intimidated around Dr. Lugo. His brilliance is unprecedented. Already he has solved the great grand unification theory and proved string theory...something that the greatest minds in physics failed to do.

(speaking in Danish)

I find myself befuddled sometimes at how simple the answers are and how unchallenged the work is but in the end...

A sigh.

(speaking Bosanski)

In the end the work must be done and I must do it.

Lugo is not without pride. He has one wife who recently died after being run over by a hail bailer on his 5 billion acre farm in Montana and the memory still haunts him.

(speaking Kongo)

The pain in my heart still breaths guilt into my soul. I cannot go a day without seeing my wife chewed up from the hail bailer. While being married to Jennifer Lopez and Joan Rivers and Rosanne can offer comfort and joy, I still live with her memory inside my heart.

Lugo, who is working on the new health care plan says that America needs to look forward and not look back at its faults. Instead America must look to him for answers especially after installing his nuclear powered laser satellite capable of killing ten million in one shot.

(speaking Polish)

I speak as a simple man with a simple idea. Look to me for your answers and I will give them to you but do not see me as a God. I am a man like yourself. Only if I take over this world can you call me a God and I will not do that...yet.

(speaking Chinese)

I do not pretend to know that the gifts I have been given give me great pride...

(speaking Japanese)

But I do not bolster my own gifts

(using American Sign Language and speaking Hindu)

But I am here for you and you and you. I am here for all of you. I am Dr. Lugo, a simple man on a mission to manage the world under my vision.

(speaking Lojban while playing the violin and doing a tap dancing routine)

I have many talents and intend to use them for the benefit of mankind

(speaking Pakistani while playing the piano and writing an equation on paper between notes)

For if you cannot help man and run a world dictatorship that still promises StarBucks...what is the point of your life?

For now we leave Lugo to his destiny praying that it is not ours. I'm Leslie stall

Clock ticks in background

Lugo Meets Sally

Julio Lugo Show meets SALLY!

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Lugo is an idiot, Lugo is a Moron, Lugo is a failure and now he's out of the Red Sox YA!...and he's your number one showwwww!”

“OK ya that was great guys...real nice welcome to my show! “

A sob.

“OK...I'm out of the Red Sox but hey I'm human too and that theme song is awful...now use the one I chose.”

A pause.

“Here comes Lugo with all his glory, Lugo is smart, Lugo is the best short stop in the league and he's also your number one show!”

A pause.

“That's better. Now please guys...I'm having enough of trouble coping with my 'departure' from the Red Sox! “

Lugo sighs and looks at the microphone.

“Anyway, we have here Sally, our new research intern. She was recommended by our tech wizard Johnny here so here we are with Sally. Hello Sally.”

“Mmmm....Hi Julio...baby...I'm so hot!”

“Ah...I'm like married and you're like 45?”

“Mmmm....I don't care...right Johnny!”

“Ya...right...ah...you sure are burned...I mean...it's kinda freaky!”

“I hate being white!”

“Ya well apparently you hate being mentally sane. ”

“Lugo...oh excuse me, I'm texting my boyfriend!”

“I thought Johnny...”

“Johnny, oh he's nice like the football player and that cheerleader and the clerk and...”

“Sally were you ever on Jerry Springer ?”

“No...mmmm....he's in the hole...oh poor baby!”

“The hole. Who's in the hole?”

“Johnny of course!”

A pause

“Right...Johnny!”

A pause

“Ya...he says he got into a fight and they threw him into the hole?”

“Who threw him in the hole?”
“The guards?”

“The guards?”

“Ya...the guards.”

“Oh he wants to marry me when he gets out!”

A long pregnant pause.

“Gets out from where?”

“The state prison!”

“Is this guy in prison?”

'Ten to twenty but he loves me. We text all the time...that is when I'm not in the tanning salon or f(bleeping) the subway men!”

A really long pause.

“Sally, you ever had electro shock treatment?”

“Oh...no...”
A pause.

“But my other boyfriend did just die in the electric chair for double homocide. We texted all the time...right until his last walk! That was so...exciting...mmmmm”

Lugo chokes on some milk spraying it over the microphone.

“OK well, we'll take a break!”

Commercial

Friends...are you tired of paying high dental bills...welcome to the home dental kit. With this an the informative instructional video, you too can enjoy not paying the high costs of dental care. After just one hour, you can enjoy relatively pain free tooth extractions and fillings and even crowns.

(Talking without teeth)

“Dentwal cawe fow meah”

Just call 1 800 pain-free and mention the Lugo show and you get 10% off. Call now

“OK...that was...wierd...but speaking of weird!”
A long pause.

“Sorry Lugo but Ben was right there!”

“OK...whatever...that's it for the Lugo show...Bye!”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks”

Lugo is Back

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Lugo is an idiot, Lugo is a Moron, Lugo is a failure and he's your number one showwwww!”

“That's the new theme song! You gotta be kidding! It makes me talk like an idiot and Lugo ain't no dummy!”

A brief sigh.

“OK, welcome back to my talk show. Today we have Sara Palin on the show. She just resigned from Alaska and the salmon fishing thing...ah who is she anyway?”

A pause.

“Oh...OK...hey Sara!”

“Hello Mr. Lugo...calling all the way from the great state of Alaska and showing all of America that we're one nation with two parties...down with liberals! “

“OK well...ya...well...OK.”

“Are you a liberal Mr. Lugo?”
“Ah...I'm a BASEball player...gee Sara...you're supposed to be smart!”
A pause.

“OK you are a liberal!”

“I don't even know what a liberal is? What is a liberal!”

A pause.

“Mr. Lugo...I know what basketball is and that means I know baseball. I mean the rules are the same but they call it baseball because you have bases instead of baskets but I don't know...it's so much harder right?”
A pause.

“Ya well...OK...ya but you haven't answered my question!”

A pause.

“Well anyway, you retired from fishing right???”
A pause.

“No I was the governor of Alaska but it was a lame duck session. “

“So you were like a duck hunter...how's that!”

A sigh.

“No Mr. Lugo...lame duck doesn't mean duck hunting...it means...well, I don't know what it means actually but I decided it was time to resign and run for President in 2012. “

“So you...ah...”

“ah...we'll we're...I don't know!” said Sara.

“But I know we keep them Russians out of Russia and that's a good thing, “snapped Sara.

“OK ya well...what's a governor again?”

“It's like when you don't pass the ball, you grab the ball and sort of kick everyone in the nuts if they try to stop you and then you throw the ball...does that make sense?”
A pause.

“Not really.”

“Well it's sort of like a hammer and nails and carpentry. You know you can't build a house with a carpenter who doesn't have nails and hammers and all that stuff you need like staples and glue.”

“Wow...you on drugs?”

“No Mr. Lugo...we in Alaska really don't want anyone to take drugs and if you take drugs you really can't stop them Russians from attacking Alaska and that's when you need to take drugs.”

“My head is hurting.”

“You need some pain killers. We in Alaska make a lot of drugs so they're available before we stop them so watch out drug makers!”

“Wow...nobody better make fun of my brains after this interview!”

“Or mine Mr. Lugo. I'm planning out going to them White House and taking over the country with some good old fashioned American values...whatever they are!”

“You always say one thing and then mean another!”

“That's right Mr. Lugo because in Politics you make a lot of promises to get elected and then break them all when them lobbyists come in and tell you what to do but I don't listen to those lobbyists because I do what I want to do unless they tell me otherwise!”

“Ah...anyway, what are you going to do now?”

“Now...I'm going to be on the Lugo talk show then I'm going on other talk shows and showing everyone that I am going to run for President in 2012 and write books and fish and be with my family and avoid the press at all costs because I will talk to nobody in the press anymore!”

“Right...but what am I?”

“You're Julio Lugo of a radio show but that's different because I want to be on the press but not have the press talk about me because when they talk about me for some reason I sound not so smart!”

“Ya well that's confusing to me too.”

“OK well I have to get back to bed and start my 2012 campaign tomorrow for privacy because I'm not running for President because I won't be part of that liberal media...now watch me on MSNBC tomorrow afternoon!”

“OK...well that's it for the Lugo show because I can't figure out how to talk straight anymore. Politicians drive me crazy and no more...so join me tomorrow when I interview Joe Lieberman!”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks”