Thursday, April 30, 2009

Chapter 10

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 10- The Curse Of Theo Epstein


Terry walked into the ballpark. He was thinking of some of the great deals of Theo Epstein. J.D. Drew who is constantly on the disabled list. Julio Lugo...nuff said. Bartolo Colon who pitched a couple of times before walking off the team. Then there was Eric Gagne who needed a twenty run lead to hold the game. Then there was the attempt to trade Mike Lowell, a superstar, for someone far less dependable. Yes...Theo was...interesting.

Terry arrived at his office. He placed his coffee cup on the Lugo desk. He watched is slide off the desk and spill on the floor. He was under contract – another Theo Epstein brainstorm – that “Lugo's Furniture, Inc.” was to have an exclusive no-bid contract to supply the manager of the Red Sox with office furniture. He walked over and opened the desk draw. The drawer front came off and crumbled. He pulled at the sides and watched it crash on the floor. That was enough of the Lugo desk. He sat down in the new chair. He felt the large nails penetrate his back. He slammed on the desk and watched one of the boards tear off the top.

Tito saw Lugo walked in. That's when the nails went deep under his skin.

Heyo Tito...how you like new chair and desk I built you for!”

Oh...it is quite a...penetrating experience, “said Tito.

Lugo then fell on the floor when he missed the chair and got up smashing through the glass wall before getting up again and walking right through it again slicing up his skin on the glass chards.

Hey it's great to be back Tito, but I am sorry about the first Red Sox loss. I wonder why we played so bad after I returned.”

Tito winced and said, “well, I am sure I speak for the entire team that now that you are back and say we can look forward to many more games like this.”

Lugo smiled and sat on the floor again before finding the chair and getting up and sitting down in it breaking it.

Lugo like building high quality furniture.”

Tito kicked the side of the desk and watched the leg crack in two.

Hey boss...I noticed I'm not in the lineup for tonight's game.”

Tito looked up and forced a smile and said, “well with...your...type of injury...it's always important to...take...it...very...slow.”

Oh ya because what if I get hurt again!”

ito smiled like a dream had come true and then said, “yes I am sure I speak for the entire team when Is say that would greatly affect the team's performance if you could no longer play on the team.”

Lugo smiled and gleamed his teeth to Tito. He then grabbed a chocolate bar off of Tito's desk and accidentally flung it backwards through the glass wall striking J.D. Drew's back.

OWWW!!! that candy bar broke my back...disabled list...I need the disabled list.”

Tito smiled thinking of Van Every, his replacement.

Well for sure you'll need me for the Yankee series!”

Tito clenched his fists together and started smashing his desk screaming obscenities. He calmed himself down and said, “yes...of course...we need a 'reliable' shortstop for that series don't we!”

Hey I agree boss that's why I need to be there. I only do three errors a game. Theo Epstein says I'm the best thing this team have since Eric Gagne.”

Tito felt an urge at that moment and picked up his desk and lifted it before the top came off sending the sides crashing to the floor.

AHHH” screamed Tito.

“Hey Tito...you too rough with Lugo desk. It not made to be abused.”

With the force of the Hulk,Tito threw the top and smashed it at the wall. The ill designed desktop crumbled as nails flew everywhere and chards of wood sprayed through the air. He sighed, caught his breath and said, “yes...Theo does make my life so much better these days.”

Wow, “said Lugo. “I didn't know you wanted to move that desk I built you. You could have asked me. Now all broken and Lugo have to builda you another one.”

Tito then grabbed the nail ridden chair and threw it against the room screaming “AHHHHH

Hey...you broke Lugo chair! That was not nice of you. Lugo made it just for you.”

Tito then grabbed his bottle of vodka and gulped it.

You sure drink a lot Tito and Papelbon told me you never drank when he started on team.”
Ah, “said Tito. “That's because you joined one day later.”

“Oh, “said Lugo. “Lugo Furniture...Inc.” have exclusive contract to makee the Red Sox baseball bats. When do I start?“

Tito brought the bottle down slowly to the floor.

Did...Theo...set...that...up?”

Lugo smiled and said, “ya...he make all funny deals. He make Lugo laugh. He says he want to trade Clay Buckholtz for Julian Taravez and Eric Gagne.”

Tito grabbed his bazooka out of the closet.

I'm going to talk to Theo right now. ”

You like bazooka Lugo build from PCQ pipe.”

Terry smashed it on the floor.

That's PVC pipe and what happened to MY bazooka! First Jason Gabbard joins us again and now this!”

That's KASON, “screamed Kason in the clubhouse.

Terry felt tears welt in his eyes.

“Hey Tito, “said Brad Penny. “I feel great. I'm ready to give up...twenty runs when we face the Yankees. I love Theo Epstein.”

Terry could not stand it any longer. He walked out of his office and out of the building. He opened the door to the outside and breathed in the air.

“The fans will blame me and it's NOT MY FAULT. That is OBVIOUS!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Chapter 9

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious.

Chapter 9 – Mr Obvious Meets Mr. Denial

This is pretty new. I wrote it in response to last night's destruction at the hands of Brad Penny who gave up seven runs in a very short period of time.

--- Dave Fernandes


Mr. Obvious was sitting in his office. He sits in his office a lot. You might say he sits in his office a lot. That is obvious since he is sitting in his office.

Meanwhile. Brad Penny was in his bed. He had overslept again. He yawned and looked around the room. The clock said 2:00 pm.

“Oh great. It's 5:00 am in the morning. I can sleep some more.”

Brad said that because he was Mr. Denial. That is why he said that.

The phone rang and Brad picked it up.

Wow Terry, “said Brad. You get up early!!! It's 5:00 am. “

Brad could hear the sigh on the other end of the line.

Brad, you have overslept again. I know that because you are Mr. Denial and you are going to tell me it's 5:00 am.”

It's 5:00 am Terry. You should get more sleep.”

...then you are going to tell me I should get more sleep.”

You have a game tonight.”

No that's tomorrow. Tim is pitching tonight.”

No it is you and I know that because my ulcer and twitching hands came back and I have just eaten a box of Oreo cookies and five chocolate bars with vodka before topping it off with a bud light.”

“Wow, “said Brad. “you normally don't have a bud light.”

“Oh right...well with Lugo and Lopez playing I needed the extra help, “said Tito interjecting the thought.

“Wow what a trio! That was a great move wasn't it to hire me and Lugo and Lopez for the team.”

Tito said, “just hearing that has made me want to drink that bottle of scotch. I think I will.”

I'm sure glad Lugo's back. He's so funny the way he makes two errors per game and still gets paid a boatload of money!”

Tito said, “yes...I'm glad you can identify with that.”

“And...Javier Lopez is my closer, “said Brad with a smile.

Tito then said, “A closer pitches one inning Brad. That is a bad choice of words. You need someone to pitch eight and one half innings for you. In your case it would be innings chewer.”

Rock on!”

The phone went silent.

“The clubhouse is drawing lots to see who is playing tonight!”

#$#$, “snapped Dustin Pedroia in the background before smashing a chair with his fist and breaking his hand.

“I see Dustin is your second baseman.”

I broke my hand, “cried Dustin.

“Or not, “said Tito.

Brad smiled and said, “Dustin should still play Tito. With me pitching, I'll make sure everything is either a walk or a home run. “

Tito then said, “that is very reassuring Brad.”

“Yes it is. I feel great being able to pitch like this. The Cleveland fans sure will love me tonight!”

“Yes well that's one way of looking at it, “said Tito.

Brad said goodbye and hung up.

Meanwhile, Tito started hitting his head against the table but the vodka kept the pain away.

The phone rang.

“Hey Tito...it's Theo here. “Julian Taravez is finally available again. I think a good trade would be for Clay Buchhotz and Mike Lowell. What do you think?”

Tito smiled through the pain and said, “let me first drink my case of scotch.”

“OK...I'll wait.”

Tito sighed and said, "you do not understand satire. Let me call you back!"

Tito hung up and then picked up the phone and made a call.

“911...what is your emergency?”

Tito said, “it will be quite obvious in a moment...just where is that bazooka.”


Chapter 8

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 8 - “Mr. Obvious Meets Lugo and the Whiner. “

This came easy. I was tired of J.D. Drew and his injuries. In fairness, I'm not living in his body but whoever said this blog was about kindness. It's about making you laugh (with apologies to J.D.

Dave Fernandes

Mr. Obvious sat in his office. He knew he was in his office because he was in his office. He looked at the door. Julio Lugo walked in with a smile. The smile on Terry's face drained and he paused to feel ensured he still had a stomach. He did.

Hey Terry...I'm back!”

Terry felt the color of his face drain away.

'You know you always have the color of your face drain away when I come in and say I'm back.”

Yes, “said Terry. “That is because I am not sure you are ready. That may be obvious but if not I can come up with better excuses. ”

Terry then leaned forward and said, “are you?”
“Ya...but Lugo like your concern. I get fan mail from all my fans saying that a very long and patient healing process is the best thing I can do for the team. I'm so proud to have so many fans on the team.”

Tito forced a smile and said, “You know that the entire clubhouse feels the same way...so don't come back...yet!”

OWWW, “came a scream in the background. A whiny voice then said, “that broken toenail is killing me. I need to go on the disabled list.”

Ah that is the J.D. Drew. It is obvious that J.D. Drew is whining since everyone calls him the whiner.”

Everyone calls him the whiner.”

That is Tim Wakefield, “said Tito. “He repeats everything I say.”

I am Tim Wakefield, “said Tim. “I repeat everything he says.”

That is obvious.”

That is obvious, “said Tim.

Ah, “said Lugo. “He no repeat everything Lugo sayah.”

A long pause.

Well, “said Tito. “how about we rest you for a few more years..ah...weeks...until your contract...ah...I mean until you are better.”

Lugo sighed and said, “no Tito. I need to get back into game. Arnie and everyone say they want me back. They send Lugo great food. Did you know that you can use motor oil to deep fry things and then leave them out in the sun for a few days?”

Tito once again felt a smile go across his face.

Arnie is a good man. I know that because I desperately want to meet him. Can we make any of them for you?”

Lugo made all of them and eat them. “

Tito felt fire burn through his face.

OWWWW...I cut myself shaving. Where are those forms!”

Tito grabbed some aspirin.

I picked the wrong week to stop overdosing on aspirin, “said Tito chewing up the bottle.

OWWWW...I have athletes foot...and the skin is peeling. Where are those forms.”

Tito grabbed some Vodka and gulped it up.

I picked the wrong week to quit killing myself through drinking Vodka.”

OWWWW...I have butt rash and you guys need to look at it. I need to go on the disabled list.”

Tito grabbed a syringe and stuck a needle in his arm.

I picked the wrong week to quit I.V. narcotics.

Lugo got up and sighed.

Well...Lugo go and get ready for game.”

OWWWW...damn paper cut. I can't fill out the forms for the disabled list. Somebody help me. I have too much pain and the buttons hurt when I wear the shirt and the glove makes my hand itch. Did everyone see my butt rash. You gotta see it because it's awful. I can't take it anymore.”

Neither can I, “ said Tito getting up and aiming a gun at his head.

Lugo then said, “Wow...normally everyone points a gun at me.”

Tito said, “good idea. That is obvious.”

OWWW...I think I have gonorrhea! You guys gotta see this. I gotta go get medical help and go on the disabled list again. LOOK AT IT! It's peeling and oozing and dripping blood everywhere.”

Drew burst into the office.

“OWWW!”
“They don't pay me enough for this, “said Tito. “That is obvious.”


Julio Lugo's Chicken Festers (as told to Arnie)

Hi,
My name's Arnie. I have been Julio Lugo's personal chef for 37 years(not!) and he has graciously allowed me to publish some of his favorite dishes. Just be sure to have some Pepto and paramedics handy. Enjoy!!!



It just so happens that last night Lugo called me to ask for a recipe for Chicken Festers. I asked him, "Don't you mean chicken FINGERS?" He says,"Do-a chickens have-a da fingers?" Did you know Julio Lugo sounds a lot like Chico Marx? Anyway, I tell him No, that's more of a euphemism. "I don' wanna no youth-incisions. Gimme da Chicken Festers." "No problem, Julio, joo got it."

Julio (the foolio) Lugo's Chicken Festers

For the marinade:
2 cups battery acid
1 cup ketchup
2 cloves garlic
1 melted Hershey bar-- have you ever gone to Hershey Pennsylvania? Me neither.
1 1/2 tablespoons liquid dish soap
2 tablespoons Zatarain's Cajun-a spice
1 pound rock salt
a pinch salt peter
1/2 cup lab grade sulfur

Wearing a radiation-proof suit, carefully!! mix all the above ingredients. After the toxic haze clears and you can see again, transfer this to a pyrex baking dish and add the chicken. Watch it fizz! Now take this whole blistered mess and place it, CAREFULLY!! into a lead-lined cement --see-ment in the south-- vault and put this into the the trunk of your car for 5 days.

I use seal oil for frying these days. It is sustainable, local, organic and "green". The green comes from the weeks long shipping from Dumphuk Alaska without refrigeration. YUM!
Heat the seal oil to 575 degrees. Watch out for sputtering oil, it takes the skin of yourself and any bystanders clean off! And if it should spontaneously ignite DON'T WORRY, the marinade will extinguish the flames.
Drop two or three chicken festers into the oil---don't forget your protective suit---at a time and fry until golden-black. Remove to a Pyrex serving dish and drain the remaining toxic grease. You don't need to make any arrangements for keeping these warm while the others are cooking. For some reason only physicysts and physichiatrists understand these chicken festers never cool off.

The Dipping Sauce:
One quart Goof-Off (if not available Goo-Gone will do)
2 quarts double egg mayonnaise
1 pint sour cream
3 drams whipped cream
2 hogsheads whiskey
1 hectare flour
20 cherry stone clams
1/3 box gelatin
3/4 cup pearl tapioca
25 ginger snaps, crumbled
2 cups lard
1 dill pickle
2 cans sardines
1 whole coconut
10 fig newtons
1 jar sweet relish
2 cups stewed prunes
1 cup cooked barley
1 barrel consomme'
mix this up in a cement[seement] mixer and serve in those green Homer buckets from Home Depot.

Garnish with fresh tarragon and frizzled leeks.

This goes well with a chilled glass of well-aged sewage.
Sincerely, Julio Lugo.

Chapter 7

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 6 - Mr Obvious Needs To Stop Watching Movies

This is an hysterical piece. This piece came as a series of ideas. The initial one was to play up the idea of Kason (er. Jason) Gabbard – a former pitcher for the Red Sox who is returning to the fold this year. I called him Jason in one blog and was corrected. I thought that was a fun idea. Then I thought of Jason from the Friday the 13th films. I had an idea that maybe everyone thought Kason Gabbard was Jason from Friday the 13th. It went from there.


-- Dave Fernandes


Terry Francona walked in to see David Ortiz in the clubhouse. He was in the clubhouse because Terry was in the clubhouse and so was David Ortiz.

“David...what are you doing?”

David was putting a pile of weapons into his locker. That is what he was doing.

“Tito...good you are here. I won't let that Jason in hockey mask kill me!”

Terry sneared and said, “it was a movie.”

David then sneared and said, “what about time you see Spiderman II. You thought Eric Gagne was Doctor Octopus and that is obvious since he had those goofy goggles on his eyes. “

Tito sighed. He did feel dumb.

“Well, “ said Tito. “ Friday the 13th like Spiderman II were just movies. There is no Jason with a hockey mask nor is there a man with four mechanical arms. That would be entirely ridiculous ”

David put his new bazooka in the locker and said, “you're right Tito, nobody get in locker room with a name like Jason.”

'Hey Pappi!” said Jason Bay the left fielder for the team.

“Hey Jason!, said Tito but it was Papi who was gripping his handgun held next to his chest.

Tito took his queue and went to his office as David Ortiz packed the flame thrower in his locker. Tito greeted an old friend.

“Welcome home Jason, ” said Terry. “I know you are home because you are in my office. That is obvious.”

“Kason…”

“Of course Jason.”

“No it’s Kason!”

“Oh yes. Over hills, over dales…ya da da...da da de da, when the Kasons keep rolling along. The song is 'Kasons keep rolling along'. That was obvious when you said “Kason, Jason.”

“Sir...my Name is Jason Gabbard. Oh crap you've got me doing it!”

“Well anyway Jason...welcome home.”

Jason...er...Kason sighed and pulled something from a paper bag.

“Well...”sighed Kason. “I got this new Bruins hockey mask and it looks so awesome on me and I thought I'd wear this Boston Bruins hockey mask to celebrate the Bruins! What do you think?”

Tito looked at his report and said, “that's funny because David saw a movie....a MOVIE!”

Tito felt the blood fall from his face as Jason...er...Kason put on the mask.

“You're...”

“Hey...I even got a toy chainsaw. Isn't this cool!”

If Tito got hit with a car and survived that would be the reaction on his face.

“Oh my God. HELP!”
Terry burst past Jason...er...Kason of Friday the 13th – or so he thought, desperate to get help. He screamed “Jason...I have Jason and he says he has a chainsaw!”

I told you,said Pappi with satisfaction, “but Big Papi has big gun...”

Over there...in the office!” shouted Tito.

Papi fired the gun as Jason...er...Kason flew past the desk and out of the room amongst a spray of gunfire.

“For the love of God...I'm KASON

“He's confusing us through song and he's getting away, “screamed Tito.

Papi laid down a suppression fire sending bullets everywhere with his sub machine gun as he extended his range to the entire clubhouse spraying bullets everywhere along the corridor towards the open ball field.

“Big Papi having fun killing Jason!”

“Yes kill that chainsaw barbarian before Doctor Octopus gets here!”

Blasts came from all over the place. The Splatter of concrete and drywall filled the air with dust and debris.

“Bazooka Papi kill Jason

David Ortiz blasted the missile that exploded the left field scoreboard that sent Kason Gabbard scrambling as a huge fire blew into the air.

Again” shouted Tito.

David missed but don't worry. Down went the night lights as well as half of the right field bleachers.

“What is #$#$ is going on here!” shouted Theo Epstein.

“We're killing Jason!” shouted Tito.

“Holy #@$, “shouted Theo. “Have you lost your #$#$ mind. That's Jason Gabbard!”

“It's @#$#$ Jason...AW CRAP, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE, “screamed Kason as he ran into the right field seats.

STOP IT “screamed Tito but as David pulled out his flamethrower, it knocked Theo out and let him rest peacefully while David Ortiz and Terry Francona destroyed the stadium.

Burn the stadium!!!!” screamed Tito. “Doc Ock might be around.”

David started burning the seats sending flames high into the air. Kason ran into the field again as Papi aimed the gun wildly burning everything in sight.

“Big Papi have fun burning down stadium with flame thrower.”

All we can say is that fortunately the flames woke up Theo – as if Theo can save the stadium at this point.

STOP IT...” screamed Theo as he pulled the flame thrower away from David. “You're burning Fenway park to the ground...and that's JASON GABBARD.”

KASON....KASON...” screamed Kason.

Papi looked at KASON running from the flames and then he looked at Tito. He then looked at Kason again. Then he looked at Tito as he saw the flames burn through the park.

“Oh #$#$” muttered David.

Papi dropped the flame thrower.

“Oh man...I am so sorry.”

“Oh my word, “said the Eric Gagne walking into the stadium. He wanted to visit his old team despite the fact that he had been a disaster for his old team. Eric was a bit strange inside it seemed.

Tito paused then his eyes lit up.

It's Doc Octopus, “cried Tito.

Big Papi send started shooting his pistol as Gagne ran away in fear.

“Big Papi have fun killing Doctor Octopus.”

“STOP, “shouted Theo.

“Wait, “shouted Tito. “Look in the booth. I see Rem-Dog the mad phonebook killer.

Papi have grenades just for that!”

The next day in the papers the Red Sox announced 'major improvements for Fenway Park' and an extended stay at the funny farm for Tito and David Ortiz. That was obvious.


Chapter 6


Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 6 - Mr. Obvious Meets Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry

I don't know where this idea came from...it just sounded funny the idea of playing up a situation like this. Whatever the reason, it's quite hysterical.

--- Dave Fernandes


Terry Francona sat down at the studio at the stage starring into the camera. He was tired. He crossed his legs and took a breath in. It smelled like air. He rolled back in the chair. He was warned not to take this interview. There were...problems. Terry did not care. That was...obvious.

“Sorry to keep you waiting. Harry will start the interview.”

“I knew he had not started it because he is not here to ask me questions. “

“What?”

“Ah...you must be deaf. I think it is great that Harry takes on the deaf, “said Terry.

“Put on these ear plugs...you may need them for HOH!”

Terry sighed and said, “What is HOH?, “asked Terry.

“Oh...you'll find out!”

Terry packed the plugs in his pocket ignoring the warning. Harry, the reporter from the Boston Globe, sat down and looked Terry in the eyes and said, “OK...let's get started. “

Terry nodded and looked at Harry.

“Mr. Francona what do you think are the great obstacles of overcoming the Yankees this weekend.”

“Well...I think the greatest one is pitching. We need to throw strikes...”

“What?”

“I said our guys need to throw strikes...”

“Your guys need to throw spikes. My God Terry...that's horrible.“

“It is obvious that HOH means Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry because your hearing is not working and I know that because you keep saying what and your name is Harry.”

“What?”

“I said it is obvious that you are Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry because your hearing is not working and I know that because you keep saying what!”

“What?”

“I said it is obvious that you are Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry because your hearing is not working and I know that because you keep saying what...AND PLEASE STOP SAYING WHAT!”

“What?”

Terry's face was boiling red.

“Terry...sorry. I guess my hearing aid is not working. I'll get my bigger one.”

Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry smiled and felt better by putting a hearing aid the size of a a chocolate bar outside of his ear.

“OK, again what is the biggest weakness you would say the team has right now?”

“I would say that we have a very strong team and...”

“What?”

Terry started to reach for his hair but found none. Hard-Of-Hearing Harry removed his hearing aid. He put one in his ear that required a head harness. He adjusted his hearing aid causing a piercing sound to be heard through the air.

“OK, Terry...how will Josh Beckett fair this weekend?”

“That hurts. Shut that blasted hearing aid off.”

“What?”

Terry cried and Hard-Of-Hearing Harry grabbed a hearing aid the size of a backpack and plugged it into his ears connecting it to two large speakers. Every sound Terry made sounded like an earthquake.

“OK. I think it works now”

Terry collapsed on the floor. He tried to find the ear plugs and then stuffed them in his ears. Even with that protection, the sound waves almost made him deaf.

“Terry...how is David Ortiz coming along. Do you think he will do well this year?”

Terry looked at him. He whispered, “Are you sure you can hear me now?”

“yes...”

A long pause

“What?

“I cannot do this interview. I know that because Hard-Of-Hearing-Harry is going to kill me. Help me!”

“I'm sorry my hearing aid is killing me. Let me use my extra large one!”

“NO, “screamed Terry but soon a large forklift brought in a hearing aid that was attached to an entire series of speakers. Hard Of Hearing Harry plugged in. Terry moved his shoulder and a booming sound hit the room cracking the camera's lenses and almost breaking his ribs from the blast of sound waves.

“Now I can hear!”

“What?” screamed Terry who felt his ear canal about to explode.

Harry sighed!
“Terry...how is Mike Braintree or whatever city he's named after doing?”

Terry rolled on the floor. The pain in his ears was making them burst. The rest of the crew seemed immune.

“Help me!”

“What?

“How in hell can you have a hearing aid the size of an SUV and still not hear me!”
“Terry...you seem upset. Is Mike Braintree dying?”

“NO HE IS NOT DYING AND HIS NAME IS LOWELL. LOWELL.”

Terry regretted that. The sound rippled through his body as if a hundred drums hit the room.

“He lives in Lowell?”
Terry tried to crawl away but every move created pain in his ears.

“This is a disaster.”

“What?'

Terry got up and said, “Shut that blasted hearing device off. I need the stage hand NOW!”

“I'm Sara. I'll help you out of here. Just tell me where you are!”

“What!”

“Just tell me where you are.”

Terry started to cry.

“Oh no...you can't see can you Sara.”

“What?”


Don't be an Umpire.

Mr. Unlucky


This is one of my funniest pieces. One poor umpire named Kerwin Danley found himself being wacked with a baseball bat twice in two years. This was the genesis for a satire on what can be done to protect an umpire in the game. I couldn't help but pick on Bud Selig who swore last year he would solve the broken bat problem but then dropped the matter entirely.

(The Major Leagues use maple since ash is going extinct due to the emerald ash bore. Maple has a higher strengh factor but like cast iron it shatters much easier than ash.)

-- Dave Fernandes



Monday April 28,2009

“Welcome everybody to Blue Jays baseball. Kind of a stormy afternoon here with possible lightening predicted but we're here to play baseball until the weather gets worse.

We also want to welcome back Kerwin Danley. After two tragedies being hit with bats the latest with a broken bat hitting him in the head...wow...but Commissioner Bud Selig has solved his problem right Jim. “

“Well, he's been known for his incompetence and inaction but he says today he draws the line.”

“Ya well...he said that if anything happens to Danley, Pete Rose is back in the hall of fame.”

“And he means it. Look at his solution. What we have for our brave umpire is a solid steel armor plated enclosure called the Lightening Rod that he can live in and be protected and watch the game via cameras built inside to transmit the sound and video. There is even a really tall antenna to pick up the data and broadcast it so we can see inside his booth. It's really state of the art. I swear that antenna can reach into the clouds. ”

“Let's hope not Jim!”

“Anyway, let's talk to Kerwin from inside the Lightening Rod. Hey Kerwin.”

“Hey everybody. Well...I think the Commissioner is right. Things are gonna be OK now. I was so worried but I trust the man.”

“Wow...did you see that bolt of lightening.”

“Ya and...uh uh...this ain't good. Paramedics on the field... ”

Monday May 12, 2009

“Welcome everyone to baseball at Fenway Park in Boston. I'm Don Orsillo and this is Jerry Remy. We want to congratulate Pete Rose on his induction into the Hall of Fame. “

“Great story hu!”

“Ya...and we especially want to welcome back Kerwin Danley after his electrocution inside the metal enclosure. ”

“That was awful. Basically that design by Bud Selig made him a lightening rod. Good thinkin' Bud!”

“Not smart.”

“Ya but this new one is a solid plastic cone which he dubbed the PlastiCone. Commissioner Bud Selig said if anything happens to him Kerwin he would retroactively give the Chicago Cubs every World Series Title from every other team. ”

“Well so is the PlastiCone...a solid plexiglass container with solar panels to power the cameras inside. It's so sealed that even a mosquito can't get inside. I mean this thing is air tight. Let's hope he can breathe. “

“Ah, “ said Jerry. “Bud is not an idiot. Anyway, let's talk to Kerwin in the booth. Hey Kerwin!”

“Kerwin.”

“AHHH....AHHH...I can't breathe...help me...”

A pause.

“Here we go again. Paramedics on the field...hope they get there in time.”

Tuesday May 13, 2009

“Welcome everyone to Chicago Cubs baseball. We want to congratulate the Chicago Cubs on all their World Series Flags...all one hundred and nine. This is the only game today since all the other teams are protesting the loss of their titles. It's a hot one. Temperatures are over 101 degrees Fahrenheit. Wow...everyone is sweating here today.”

“We want to welcome back Kerwin Danley. He's already suffered an electrocution, suffocation and a nervous breakdown...but that's fixed...even though he had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming...he seems comfortable now but I tell ya, I hear it's hot in there. Bud didn't add any air conditioning.”

“Ya well...Commissioner Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he would give all the World Series flags to the New York Yankees...man you know that's not going to happen. He's a smart man.”

“Well he's a serious man. Anyway they've made air holes finally and solar panels of course and he looks good in there with all that gear on. Let's say hello to Kerwin. ”

“Kerwin!”

“Kerwin!”

“Kerwin!”

“Ya...he does....uh oh...that's not good. Here come the paramedics...again.”

Wednesday May 14, 2009

“Want to welcome the the ballpark today in New York City. Quite a sight seeing all one hundred and nine World Series titles. This is the only game today because the other teams are protesting.”

“Ya but our umpire is looking good with a built in air conditioning unit.'

“Ya...heat stroke is not a pretty thing is it?”

“No it isn't and neither is suffocation or electrocution. You can't use solar panels without expecting boiling heat...that's just crazy but Bud Selig knows what he's doing.”

“Ya...he does. Anyway, Commissioner Bud Selig said if anything happened to him today he'd drop all charges against Roger Clemens and induct him into the hall of fame and give back the World Series flags to the perspective teams but give all the Yankee wins to the Red Sox and Cubs and you know that's not going to happen.”

“Sure isn't. Not with the air conditioning drying out the container. I heard that even the water in the air is dried out. It is just bone dry in there...hey he's not going to dehydrate is he? I mean they took out the source of water in the PlastaTube or whatever that death trap is called!”

“Stop it, Bud knows what he's doing. Anyway, great conditions to watch a game hu right Kerwin!”

“Kerwin!”

“Kerwin!”

'I think...uh oh....that's not good. Here come the paramedics...”

Thursday, May 15, 2009

“Welcome everyone. We want to welcome Hall of Famer Roger Clemens who got inducted yesterday. Roger, holding a bag of steroid candy that he handed out to the kids to encourage them in their baseball growth. ”

“Nice...gesture. He called them the Bug Selig. Appropriate.”

“Anyway...we finally got things right in the Plasticone...although Kerwin had a nervous breakdown after almost dying of heat exhaustion...collapsing in the booth and screaming for water...but that's fixed.”

“It is and after electrocution, suffocation, heat exhaustion and now dehydration, Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he'd induce Barry Bonds into the Hall Of Fame and offer him the renaming of the Hall Of Fame to the Barry Bonds Hall Of Fame. “

“Good because we have air conditioning and running water so the umpire can drink from a sink with a pressure hose that's 2 inches long. They made the hose rubber since they were afraid of lightening strikes. Kerwin is in there now. He's sort of just starring into the wind. That nervous breakdown really got to him but Bud Selig says...”

“Ya we've heard it before...hey if that hose burst it could empty out within seconds into the Plasticone and drown him.”

“Nobody is that incompetent. Bud Tested it himself...”

“You're kidding. Oh man...Kerwin. Kerwin...get out of there fast!!!”

'GLUB...HELP!!!”

“Oh this is not good. Here come the paramedics...again.”

Friday May 16, 2009

“Welcome everyone to Florida baseball. We want to welcome Barry Bonds into the Bonds Hall Of Fame as he handed out steroid lollipops to the babies...we understand some abnormal growth and birth defects are happening in the kids that took Roger's candy. Just keeps getting better and better. ”

“Oh man...thank goodness the President got involved. ”

“I know it. President Obama donated a bullet proof car for the umpire after he drowned yesterday when the hose burst.”

“Tragedy...especially after his electrocution, suffocation, dehydration and drowning and several nervous breakdowns but Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he'd make steroids legal and encourage them in baseball and fine those who didn't take them.

“You know this isn't a good track record here with heat exhaustion, lightening strikes, drowning, suffication and all.”

“What? I couldn't hear you with that car explosion.”

“What? Are you saying the car exploded. “

“I don't get it. Bud worked on the car himself.”

“And here come the paramedics...again. Anything left of him?”

Monday May 19, 2009

“Good evening everyone. It is cold here in the Pittsburgh in the all drug baseball game. Everyone grew so fast overnight that they had to order larger uniforms as we watch the Yankees play the Pirates.”

“Ya...but this time we got it right.”

“Ya...right. Kerwin is at his home with four broken bones, a busted rib, mild concussion. Thank goodness the car protected him from the worst of the explosion. Now he is watching the game via satellite using a keyboard to handle play by play and Bud Selig said if anything happened to him...well let's just hope that doesn't happen.”

“Exactly, nobody wants to play baseball in the nude.”

“That's right especially after electrocution, suffocation, dehydration, heat exhaustion...ah...I can't keep up anymore and let's not forget the car explosion. Bud Selig is a nut! This guy otta be out of baseball. We have all steroid baseball and those crazy nut case ideas. I'm waiting for burying the umpire under the ground and sticking a camera in his belly. No I'd better not say that because I'm sure Selig is writing it down right now! I know it and he'll promise to blow up the stadiums if that doesn't work and we follow all with it!“

“Calm down, There is now way we're playing nude baseball because he can't possibly get into trouble. He's got armed security with flaming torches. That was Buds idea you know!”

“You're kidding. Oh God. He'll set the house on fire!”

“Kerwin...get out of there!”

“AHHHH!”

There was a long pause.

'I guess we're all playing steroid induced nude baseball tomorrow. I can't wait for Bud's next ideas...oh here it is. Put him underground in a coffin with a camera in his belly and if he doesn't survive it then he'll blow up Yankee Stadium. I'm going home.”


Chapter 5

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 5 - Mr Obvious Meets the Brad Penny's Posters of Evil


This was very hard to write. I wanted to write something about Brad Penny's struggles. I got an idea when he stated how good he felt despite blowing two games. I went from there. I also added everyone's favorite fall guys Julio Lugo (ss for the Red Sox) and Manny Ramirez (which everyone on the Red Sox blog nicknamed Zazu after he left the team.

Dave Fernandes


Terry Francona sat down in his office in a chair that was behind his desk. He looked at the door and saw Brad Penny smile. Brad Penny should not be smiling. He had to talk to Brad Penny after the game. He could not talk to him during the game because Brad was pitching and that meant he had to wait till after the game. Now he could talk to Brad Penny. That is obvious.

“Hello Brad.”

Brad sat down and looked at Terry. He had showered. We knew that because his hair was wet.

“Oh wait, I forgot to put up the picture of Julio Lugo in drag. Here I will put it on the wall.”

'Hmm...” said Terry. “You have changed the subject. That is what you do and that makes it hard to talk to you about the pitching performance that somehow made me think that Julio Lugo in drag was a better image in my head than your 8 – 0 shelling. I do not know why I thought of Julio Lugo but I think it is because you are gluing a 12 by 12 foot picture of him on the wall. “

“Hey speaking of my pitching performance, that was great to watch Papelbon get the last out and it was incredible how the team came back from a 8 -0 deficit. I am very proud of them.”

“You are changing the subject again and now I can’t get my mind off of Julio Lugo on the wall. This is going to make me insane. I know that because I feel like burning my office down just to get rid of that picture. ”

“Ya, it's too bad that Manny Delcarman gave up that double and brought in the eight runs.”

“Manny did give up a double but then got out the next eight batters. I know that because I wrote it down that he gave up a double and then got out the next eight batters. Here it is on my desk. Did you see it? Wait...you are trying to confuse me by changing the subject and now all I can see is Julio Lugo in that Shirley Temple dress. ”

“It was also amazing to watch Jason Bay be a smash hitter.”

'Jason Bay is a smash hitter. I did watch him because I was in the dugout during the game. I said nothing to him and yet he hit well. I see also you are putting up another picture of Julio Lugo covering himself with olive oil. I see that Julio autographed it. I also notice that he has no clothes on. This is damaging my mind.”

“Now I have to go now. I have to celebrate this amazing win.”

“Wait, “snapped Terry. “You are trying to make me forget why you are here. You are the one who gave up the eight runs. You think I am stupid but I am obvious not stupid and that is obvious...Ah...those posters are making me sick. ”

“Actually we talked about the error that gave the Red Sox the lead. Wasn't that amazing?”

“I can’t stop looking at the Julio Lugo posters. You did that to get me to forget about your pitching performance. I remember that. We were tied 8 – 8 and yet we won because of an error. That was obvious...but you are again changing the subject again.”

“You are changing the subject Tito. We came in here to talk about the win and the new poster I’m putting up.”

“Yes it is a picture of Julio Lugo and Zazu covered in egg yokes and they are both naked. I see you saved the worst for last. It is also a 12 by 12 foot poster and all four of my walls are covered in Lugoville.”

Terry shivered at the images. We know that because he shivered at the images.

“No...this is...too much, “said a terrified Tito.

Brad looked up and said, “Hey as long as you don't look at them you'll be...oh no. I looked. I looked at them all. Terry...help me.”

“I can't, “shouted Tito.

“We've got to get out of here, “shouted Brad.

“Hit the floor, “shouted Tito.

They fell to the floor with a loud thump rattling the room.

“Oh man...the angle...it's worse, “cried Brad.

“Don't look at it. Turn your eyes away.”

“I can't...the egg dripping off of Zazu...it's a nightmare.”

Terry crawled on the floor.

“I'll help you.”

“Oh God...I don't wanna die, “cried Brad.

“Hold on Brad. I'll save you. I must...do this.”

“Please Tito...I just saw Lugo's...pe”

“Don't say it, “shouted Tito. “Your brain will explode.”

Tito reached Brad and shouted, “grab my hand...I'll pull you out of here.”

“I don't want to touch any human flesh anymore. It's too horrifying.”

“Come on dammit. You can do it! It's no worse than giving up eight runs...I think.”

“No, “shouted Brad now whaling in tears. “It's too much. I have lugoitis.”

“No, shouted Tito. “That's lethal. You know what it does to people. You have to hold on. We can do this...for the love of the game...we can do this.”

Brad's eyes bulged and starred at the images on the wall. He began mumbling to himself and curling into a fetal position. Tito knew he was out of time.

“Hold on...I'll save you.”

Tito grabbed Brad and pulled him along. He was shaking and shivering as tears poured out of his eyes.

“Curse you Lugo, “shouted Tito.

He grabbed Brad and dragged him on the floor. Screams poured out from Tito's lungs as he accidentally looked up and saw egg yoke dripping from...”

“No...dammit, “shouted Tito. “I won't let Lugo...beat...me!”

He looked over at Brad.

“I gave up eight runs...I gave up eight runs...Lugo...he's got olive oil...I gave up eight runs...ahhhhh...I'm beginning to like Pinstripes. Tito help me.”

Terry saw that Brad was going to have convulsions followed by heart failure. How fitting for someone giving up eight runs and putting up those frightening photos.

“It's now or never and I know that I'll make it now. I said...the...obvious.”

Tito pulled Brad out the door and crawled into the locker room. He could still hear the screams from Brad Penny whaling on the floor.

“Brad it's over...it's all over. Open your eyes...metaphorically speaking but that is obvious.”

Brad looked around and breathed in the air of the room.

“You saved my life and after what I tried to do to you. I won't let you down again. I'll pitch better next time. I promise.”

“You will, “said Tito, “because I'm going to have those posters glued to your hotel room walls. ”

Brad rolled on the floor.

“Oh man...that was obvious wasn't it.”

Chapter 4

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 4 - Mr. Obvious meets Mr. Environment

I've always liked Jason Varitek for his work ethic and for his smarts; however, coming up with an idea for him was hard but once again I thank the blog. There was a comment about environmentalists and I couldn't resist. Personally, I am an environmentalist but I can make fun of myself as well. This was also fun since I got to create an explanation for all the injuries that happened last year.

Dave Fernandes


Terry Francona walked into his office and starting tripping over everything before slamming into the desk and finding the seat. He knew that because he felt the pain from slamming into the desk. He sat down before crashing to the ground.

“I see the lights are off again. I know that because I cannot see in the dark. Jason is saving us electricity. I know that because the lights are off. “

“You wanted to see me Terry?”

“Is that you Jason?, “asked Terry reeling from the pain of crashing to the ground. “I ask that question because I cannot see you and that is because the lights are off. If I could see you I would not ask that question. I also need another chair. I see your continued attempt to make furniture out of used Gatorade cups is not working. I know that because my entire hip is screaming with pain from crashing through the chair. I also know that because that is how Mike Lowell damaged his hip last year from crashing through the Gatorade chair and J.D. Drew threw his back out when he fell over your solar powered lawnmower that he could not see since it was a rainy day. Did you know that because Mike Lowell joined the NRA the next day to kill you.”

“SHHHH, “snapped Jason. “You have to keep your voice down. The excessive carbon dioxide released contributes to global warming.”

Terry then said, “That is insane and I know that because no normal person would worry about talking contributing to carbon dioxide and that is how I know you are insane.”

“Thank you sir.”

“Also that is why Josh Beckett pulled his back muscle last year in Spring Training when he fell over the table unable to see walking in the room. Then Julio Lugo slipped on a spill of olive oil and used motor oil smeared all over the floor from Dustin Pedroia and tore into his leg muscles. It is obvious Dustin did that because Dustin then regretted it.”

“I regret that, “shouted Dustin in the background.

“He regrets it, “shouted Tim Wakefield repeating the line in the background.

Jason nodded and said, 'Sir, why are you bringing up Julio Lugo?”

“It always makes me feel better.”

“Ah, “said Jason but you forced me to talk more. That was very tricky of you.”

Terry said nothing. He was not being tricky but he could not explain that to Jason without talking. That was very tricky of Jason.

“Sir, think how much better our night vision is when we turn off lights everywhere and how much energy does the team save!“

Terry had an answer to that one and that was obvious.

“That is obvious because we had an entire colony of mosquitoes biting us in the clubhouse when you wouldn't let us use the air conditioning last summer. It is obvious your ideas are not working because moral is down in the clubhouse as nobody is allowed to kill the leeches, carpenter ants and slugs that are invading the clubhouse. ”

Jason nodded and said “but...”

“Think of last year. I say think of last year because that is when everyone got the flu. Last year you said everyone needs to use one plastic cup for drinking and share it among everyone to save on waste. I know that because of last year's flu epidemic and the fact that doctors said what the ##$ you were thinking sharing a drinking cup. ”

“Yes, “said Jason. “But look at how many trees we saved so that they can be used for caring for birds and owls by stopping cutting down trees and don't forget out water savings!!!”

“Please don't remind me because you smell like a slaughter house barn with a large fan blowing the smell everywhere and I know that because I have almost thrown up twice being in the same room with you.”

“Sir, “said Jason. “Look at the water I save avoiding all forms of cleanliness!”

'I also know it made the flu epidemic worse because nobody was allowed to shower and that made the flu epidemic worse because nobody was allowed to shower.”

Jason said, “That's going to change. We're going to use 'dry clean'. It's an organic compound of dead skin cells of people who have just washed up mixed with free range garlic and sea vegetables. It smells great. ”

Tito could only move his jaw back into position.

“Of course Jason. You are valuable to the team. Sometimes it it hard though. I know that because I lost my mind in Japan last year and refused to wash my clothes in the laundromat because you told me it was bad for the environment. It was very hard to explain to the press and I know that because it was very hard to explain to the press. That is obvious.”

Jason sighed and Terry knew that because he could smell the stench permeate the room.

“You have been different since you saw Al Gore's global warming video and I know that because you have been different since you saw Al Gore's global warming video.”

“Sir...if everyone did our part.”

“Jason, we don't turn on lights, shower, wash our clothes, hit a home run because of wasting a ball or hitting the ball too hard for fear of breaking and wasting a bat. We use one cup, don't use hot water or air conditioning and now smell and feel worse than ever because we don't turn on lights, “

“Sir...am I ever proud of this team.”

“I am glad somebody is, “said Terry, “now can I turn on the light so that I can see again?”
“Sir...I have a wind powered generator that I just installed and that will provide lights from now on. Here...”

The light switch clicked on but nothing happened.

“Oh...I guess there is no wind tonight.”

“That is obvious.”

Chapter 3

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 3 – Meet Mr. Repeat

This may be the funniest one I've written. I don't know why I decided to have Tim Wakefield repeat everything that was said to him but it was a great contract to Terry Francona's character and then adding Dustin Pedroia as Mr. Regret gave this piece a lot of life. This was inspired by Dustin's remarks about his home town.

-- Dave Fernandes


Terry Francona sat down at his desk. He knew he sat down at his desk because he wasn't standing up. He saw Tim walk towards his office and sit down. He knew that Tim was sitting at the desk because Tim was sitting at the desk.

"Tim...I just wanted to say that you pitched nine innings and gave up two runs and four hits. That will be all."

Tim nodded and said, "That will be all."

"Good, "said Terry, "because I was about to say that it was obvious. I won't say it because that would be redundant. "

Tim nodded and said, "ya that's redundant."

"Yes, "said Terry. "You repeat things which is why everyone called you a person who repeats things. That is obvious."

Tim said, "I do like to repeat things."

"That is obvious, "said Terry Francona.

Tim said, "Is there anything else you need me for. Is there anything else you need me for."

Terry said, "You are still here so that tells me that I need to say more to you."

Tim said, "is there anything else you need me for?"

Terry said, "You are repeating your statement. That is a characteristic of your behavior. I see that because you repeat yourself often. That is obvious."

Tim said, "I am repeating myself. That is obvious."

Terry said, "That is true because you have already said four times that you are repeating yourself. That is obvious because you repeated yourself four times."

"SHUT THE #$#$ UP, "shouted Dustin Pedroia who smashed the door down.

"Every single time you two get together it's a #@$#$ broken CD on repeat. I can't #$#$ take it anymore. It's like my hometown that needs to be burned to the ground."

"Oh, it's Dustin Pedroia, "said Terry who looked up and said, "I know it is because he says things he later regrets."

"It is Dustin Pedroia, "said Tim repeating what Terry said.

"Man...I'm sorry. That was rude of me wasn't it. I was bad."

Terry said, "Dustin is now apologizing because he did something he regretted."

"He did something he regretted, "repeated Tim.

"I hate it when you #$#$ repeat every#$#$ thing I say. Go to #$#$."

"You are going to regret that Dustin, "said Terry, "and I know that because you are already regretting it."

Dustin nodded and said, "I'm really sorry. That was bad of me."

"That was bad of him, "said Tim.

"That is obvious, "said Terry.

Dustin just rolled his eyes and left.

“I will go now, “said Terry.

“I will go now, “said Tim and Terry knew that ended the conversation because Tim left the room still repeating the phrase before Dustin threw the sink at him breaking his arm.

“Man...I really regret that.”

“That is obvious, “said Terry.

“That...is...ow...obvious, “repeated Tim.

Chapter 2

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious
Chapter 2 – The Press Conference

This was written soon after the first one. I came up with the idea that perhaps it might be fun to have Terry in a press conference where things go into disaster mode. I soon discovered that it was harder to do than I imagined and have never written one in the press room after that.
-- Dave Fernandes

Terry walked into the press room after the game. He looked tired because he was tired because the team had lost and that made him tired but if the team had won he would not be tired. That is why he was tired. That was obvious.
“Mr. Francona, what could be the reasons for John Lester's performance.”

Terry smiled. Terry had to say something positive. John Lester would feel better if he said something positive. He had to think of something positive. That was something he had to do.

“AH....I think all our work on the pickoff move paid off. He's really shown the Oakland A's that you can't steal bases to win, you just have to hit every pitch that John throws at you instead for a home run. Yes, make the Oakland A's work for their train wreck win instead of giving it to them. We were thinking fifteen runs but the team only gave up eight. That's progress.“

The audience paused for a long moment while Terry scratched his head. He scratched his head because he realized he had said the wrong thing. He had said the wrong thing because he saw all their jaws fall downward. That was obvious.

“Mr. Francona, the Red Sox gave up eight runs and have lost just about every game they have played. What's it going to take to turn this team around?”

Terry wondered that as well. He wondered that because that is all he had been wondering. Of course if he knew the answer to that one he would not be losing. But he was losing so he knew he did not have the answer to that one. He also knew he wondered why the reporters were asking stupid question.

“Well, I spoke to the team before the game to not strike out and hit fly balls to center field. It is also helpful to score a run and we discussed what that was like since it's been a long time since that's happened. I also mentioned that pitching must ALWAYS pitch a no hitter so that we can score more runs than the other team or at least tie the game. I have also told them it is important not to strike out three times in a row when you have a runner on third and nobody out. I do not think these have helped the team because they told me they knew that. However, I knew they did not know that because they keep doing that. “

There was another long pause and Terry knew that because it became quiet and nobody said anything and he heard the fly buzz around the room. That is how he knew.

“Mr. Francona, what we mean is...what things are you going to change to have your team win.”
Terry sighed

“Ah...now I understand and I thank you for that question. That is a good question because it is a question that was not asked before. I know that because you asked me what I will do to turn this team around but then you asked me how I will make my team win. Wait...you have asked me the same question. I know that now. “

The reporters scratched their heads.
“Mr. Francona...your starting pitching is struggling. Why is that?”

Terry sighed and swatted the fly.

“Oh...I just remembered...I have to leave because I took an overdose of medication to get me through the game. I must go to hospital to get my stomach pumped. I rather enjoy that over a press conference...actually they are very similar experiences. That is obvious.“

Terry left the building and fell against the wall. The Oakland fans waved to him and thanked him for a great game. Terry waved back with grim understanding. It was a strange way of being loved. That is obvious.

“More of the same tomorrow right!”
Terry just walked away. It was going to be a long road trip.

Chapter 1

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 1

This was inspired by a rant by Arnie who essentially reminded everyone that a manager can only do so much to help a team. I took it from there. This is updated from the original post with new material and updated material. This was written during the beginning of the year when the Red Sox were getting crushed by every team including the Oakland A's.

-- Dave Fernandes


Terry woke up to the ringing of the phone in the hotel. He knew he was in a hotel because he looked around and it was a hotel. He looked at the clock. It said 6:00 am. Terry then knew it was 6:00 am because the clock said 6:00 am.

“Well, it is 6:00 am. That is why the phone is ringing. I must answer it because it is my wakeup call. I know it is my wakeup call because it is 6:00 am. If it was not 6:00 am it would not be my wakeup call. That is obvious.”

Terry picked up the receiver. He then put it down again.

“Now they know I woke up because if I didn't wake up it would keep ringing. That is obvious.”

Terry then yawned and stretched.

“I will take a shower. That will require soap, shampoo and a towel. I will use the towel to dry off so it won't get wet when I take a shower. That is obvious.”

Terry got up and tossed his clothes on the ground and walked into the shower. He turned the water on.

“If I turn it too far...it will be very hot...like it is now...slowly burning my skin turning it bright red, I will turn it cooler. That is much better and less painful.”

Terry washed with soap and then applied some shampoo to his hair.

“I don't need much since I am bald. Why do we use soap for our skin but shampoo for our hair. That is not so obvious so I cannot answer that question.”

Terry shut off the water and wiped himself off with the towel.

“Now it is wet but my body is dry. The towel absorbed the water and will be wet until it dries. That is obvious. “

Terry put on his clothes.

“I have to wear the travel uniform because we are on the road. If was at home I would not be doing that. This uniform is the same one the 1986 Red Sox wore when they lost that World Series. That is not inspiring. Theo Epstein thought it up. That is not a good sign because he has given this team players such as Eric Gagne and Brad Penny. I do not feel good now. That is obvious.”

Terry walked out the door and down the stairs to the hotel lobby. It was filled with people.

“Not many people know me because I am in Oakland California. If I was in Boston they would know me and since we have lost so many games lately that is a good thing and that is why they do not know me here. That is obvious.”

Terry hailed a cab. The cab stopped to let him inside the cab. Terry stepped inside the cab.

“Thank you. Please bring me to the Oakland ball park. I would go to Fenway Park…”

“I got it, “snapped the cab driver. Terry heard the phone ring. Terry answered a phone call.

“Hey, it's me John Lester. I have an injury and I can't pitch today.”

Terry sighed and said, “you called me to tell me that because you are pitching today. If you were not pitching today you would have said so in your conversation so that means...”

Just then the phone went dead.

“They always hang up on me because they think I am annoying. That is obvious.”

The cab stopped and Terry got out. He walked to the side of the cab and paid the driver.

“That'll be $7.50”

Terry handed him a ten.

“I would pay you seven dollars and fifty cents, but you are a cab driver and demand a tip even though I probably won't be using you again and you smoke and it makes the cab smell bad and you were rude to me. However I must pay you this...”

“Forget it...” snapped the cab driver who bulleted off without collecting his fee.

Terry smiled and said, “he left because I was annoying him and that is obvious and now I keep my $7.50. That is good.”

Terry sighed. He looked around a saw some raging fans with baseball bats heading towards him. He looked at them. They were angry and he knew that because they were carrying baseball bats.

“Ah...they must be Red Sox fans. I will run away before they kill me. “

Terry bulleted towards the gate feeling the hard objects thrown at him. He ran inside and locked the door. He took a breath.

“Ah...a player who...performs...horribly is loved and yet the manager is hated and is payed so little for doing so much. That is obvious.”