Papelbon to return to Sox...for a few prospects and players...BIG TRADE

In a Blockbuster trade with cash considerations, the Red Sox have one of the best closers in the game in Jonathan Papelbon.  The trade isn't without some reservations but Ben Cherington of the Red Sox had this to say:

'We were thrilled to have one of the greatest closers in the game back in the fold.  Yes there were some small sacrifices to be made and perhaps giving away the entire Pawtucket Red Sox organization might have been hasty but it was worth it.'

Cherington, who has been struggling to get a closer to replace Papelbon is pleased with the situation.  The situation is also exciting Phillies fans.

"I can't believe the Sox were this stupid.  Wow, they can have Cliff Lee at any time."

Still many Boston fans have reservations as well.   Here is the deal as signed today.

The Red Sox will pick up the entire contract of Jonathan Papelbon with a fifty million dollar raise as well making his salary one hundred million per year.  In order to get the all star, the Sox gave up the following players:

 DH - David Ortiz
P - Clay Bucholtz
P - Jon Lester
P - Felix Dubront
P - John Lackey (Sox will pay the remaining salary of the contract)
P - Brian Dempster
2B - Dustin Pedroia
CF - Jacobe Ellsbury
3B - Will Middlebrooks
Manager -  John Farrell
P - Andrew Miller
The entire Pawtucket Red Sox team minus Daniel Bard. 
NESN broadcasting network

All salaries will be picked up by the Boston Red Sox. While many fans are stunned at the somewhat lopsided trade, threatening to burn their season tickets, Ben Cherington had this to say.

"Daniel Bard is clearly a top starter and will have plenty of opportunities to work out his control issues since he'll have to pitch every day of the week now.  He's so smart, he'll figure it out and we're excited to be building a great winning team around him.  
 For now though fans can rest easy that on the very rare occasions where we will be winning a game, we will not lose that game as Jonathan Papelbon will be our closer and since we are low on pitchers he will be expected to be serving as long relief and a position player and manager as well as we don't have much of our team left.'

Meanwhile the fans of Philly can rest assured that the all star cast of the Boston Red Sox now have a new home in Philadelphia and Boston can only hope that fans around Boston can serve as players considering that the Sox don't have much of a team anymore.

Joe Derive

Cherington frustrated at Jose Iglesias success -- wants him shot

In a shocking turn of events, Ben Cherington says that Jose Iglesias needs to be shot to quell the frustration of success that is permeating the club house.

'A simple execution should be enough to finally stop his relentless hitting and fielding.  It's time our elite shortstop J.D. Drew -- now hitting .209 and striking out 50% of the time back into the lineup to bring stability and peace.'

Cherington does admit that Jose's success is frustrating and adds that...

"Fortunately, sabermetrics offers a tremendous amount of B.S. (Baseball stats) that we can use to argue that this is a fluke and he's a bad player.  We have PCA (pitch count average) which measures the amount of pitches each player receives as a function of success.  Jose gets long counts and according to PCS (pitch count success) as well as HDA (hit distance average) and of course our personal favorite 'BWVSS (bat weight versus shoe size) we have a player on his way to disaster.  I'm afraid we have to consider an immediate execution.  We'll give him his choice of firing squad or being thrown from an airplane -- we will give him a free pair of Boze headphones with the Red Sox label of course.  We're not insane.'

While the execution date is still up in the air, Cherington promises he will continue to cripple the lineup until the Sox slowly fade away to oblivion at short.

"We've had Julio Lugo as well as tons of other shortstops that are horrible and we will not quit until we get a combination of Manny Ramirez, Josh Beckett and Bobby Jenks at short.  Have no fear."

Ben is also concerned about the closer position but is pleased by the present closer's success.

"He's pretty awful so we won't shoot him but let me tell you...Clay B...watch out."

I'm Joe Derive.

Ben Cherington and John Farrell meet at Arnie's

Arnie looked out at the two slumping down drinks as if they were IV's.  He shook his head and went back into the kitchen.  His restaurant catered now to everyone both rich and famous and those looking for an evening out.  He was a good man, a kind man, a generous man and one fed up with Julio Lugo as his employer.

"Lugo, go over there and tell those two to quit it!"

Lugo walked out smashing into the door.  Plates and forks flew everywhere and Arnie scrambled to clean it up.

"That's another five hundred dollars you owe me..."

"At this rate, I'll have nothing left in my paycheck, let alone my bank account"

"That's the idea Lugo...it's your fault for all the years you made me suffer watching you in a Red Sox uniform....and that's a hundred for the stained apron.  I have to have it wet cleaned now and that's expensive."

"Right Arnie...sorry."

Lugo walked out and went to the table and saw Red Sox manager John Farrell and Ben Cherington, head of player operations slouched in their chairs watching the ceiling fans spin around.  Their heads could be seen mimicking their movements.

"Wow, "said Farrell.  "It's quite hypnotic watching it spin and spin."

"I'd estimate several revolutions per minute...boy I wish Daniel Bard were here to figure out that stuff...stuff..."

"OK you two, "said Lugo.  "Enough booze...you have to get a cab and go home."

"Oh hi Lugo, "said Ben.  "Glad you see your baseball career isn't ending...for now you're throwing away busted plates instead of ballgames..."

"ha...ha..." said Lugo.  "My radio show..."

"The only locally produced sports themed show in the northern Cleveland Ohio section with a major sports figure talking about sports at the 2:30 am spot...ya we got it, "said Farrell and Ben in unison.

"OK but let's call it a night OK."

"Night, " snapped Farrell.  "Man my team couldn't win a game if the legendary John Farrell was pitching...in my prime...oh we are the 67 Mets."

"I honestly had NO idea I'd get two relievers in a row that were so bad, "said Ben referring to Brittle Bailey and Joe Hanarhan  both failed experiments following the likes of Eric Gagne, Bobby 'Double Fist' Jenks, etc. etc. etc.

"Ya you did, "snapped John.  "If you wanted them they were bad...and you traded Jed Lowrie...when we needed a shortstop...for this?'

"I can pitch, "snapped Lugo. 

"So pitch me..." slurred John.  'pitch me your idea for a winning team. "

"No...we need...ah...we need...where is my sabermetrical calculator.  I need to calculate the .OPS .PBS...or is it the .BS calculation for the .PPS .PBS..."

"That's a television network you morono...' snapped John gulping down his last drink.  "And I for one consider it my sworn duty to point out that all that sabermetic crap is just that...#$#$#$ '

'OK you three, "snapped Arnie.  " I run a respectable and classy restaurant and people are looking at you and that hurts my business so..out you and you and you..."

"But I work here, "snapped Lugo.

"Like I said, " said Arnie.  'I run a respectable restaurant.'

'Fine, "snapped Lugo,  'I'm otta here..."

"I have to face Larry Luchchciuoeo....or whatever his name is...I'm jumping out that...window and that's it, "snapped Ben Cherington who quickly smashed through the window falling into the night air.

"Oh crap, "snapped John Farrell.

"Don't worry, "said Arnie.  "it's a one floor building.  '

"Oh, ' said John.  'Can I get another...my team...is killing me...softly."

"Gotta close up John...sorry."

 'I'll pay you...one hundred...thousand dollars...now..."

"John...I'm an honest man and you need to go home and get some rest...you have a game tomorrow."

John got up and fell right down crashing into the floor.  Arnie sighed.

"Clean up Lugo...gonna be a LONG night."

Bobby Valentine - ME!

Tina Derive Show

Hello, I'm Tina Derive instead of Mrs. Joe Derive and I say that since my husband seems to see me as something less than an astute and clever individual with dazzling looks and brilliance. 

Tina:
Hello everyone...I'm here with Bobby Valentine and he is talking about his new book -- "ME !!!'  and all those exclamation points, Bobby...why ME?

Bobby:

Come on Tina...what else matters?

















Tina:
Now I understand that in your book you included 243 pages of closeups of your face.  Do you think that was excessive?

Bobby:

Well I tell ya Tina, I looked at all the photos and I decided that I couldn't leave any of them out as they all spoke to me and it will give the audience a clearer understanding of who I am. 













Tina:
In your book, speaking of the Red Sox you stated:

"I have been completely misunderstood and frankly underestimated.  Genius often goes unnoticed.  The Red Sox organization failed to understand greatness and this sadly created a toxic atmosphere that even my great abilities...blah, blah, blah..."  Now what do you have to say to that?

Bobby:

Sorry Tina I wasn't paying attention. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I do have to stare and admire myself.  Today I just noticed what...what amazing eyes I have and how they get so noticed by everyone.  What were you saying?













Tina:
I was quoting from you book.  Let me try again...' blah, blah, blah, blah...blah,blah,blah...blah,blah...any comment.

Bobby:

Do I look better with a tie on or not?  I always struggle with that.  If the audience notices 50 photos with a tie, they might also notice 50 without a tie.  Well...you don't want to here all that...your question?













Tina:
Right...in your book you state, "I am a big fat idiot with an ego the size of the planet Saturn.  I destroyed the Red Sox chances with my big fat sickening grin and stupid commentary.  If I focused on team instead of ME, this would have been a much better situation...did I get that right?

Bobby:

I really should have taken more photos of myself in a Mets uniform.  Do you like the serious photo of myself...doesn't that scream...ah...brilliance. 










Tina:
So you agree with all the comments I just stated to you.

Bobby:

Wait...did you see this photo? I love it when I stand there, eyes screaming brilliance, body in great shape, heart filled with passion.  Can you see this Tina?  Can you see the genius of a man.  I do a radio show now.  My audience is up to fifteen viewers.  Watch out big time media, here comes Bobby V! I get a lot of former Julio Lugo radio guests.












Tina:
Bobby...NO you will not put up life size photos of yourself in this room. This is MY studio not your self-admiration fan club.  Take them down NOW!

Bobby:

Hold on a minute Tina...I thought this show was about ME and that means the audience wants to hear and see ME and that means they must see me through these life size photos -- available at 10% discount through my website bdsm-me.com
That means

"Bobby Darling  Stands mighty-me.com"





Tina:
Oh my...that's the name of your site?  Why would anyone want to see a Bobby Valentine bdsm site?

Bobby:
It's only been up 10 years Tina, it takes time to get an audience although I am a bit surprised I haven't had many visitors but I do get some nasty comments about these guys expecting a porn site and find me instead.  Does BDSM mean something besides Bobby Darling Stands Mighty?

Tina:
Right...OK Bobby it's been a pure delight to end this time with you and I can't tell you how good I feel to know we've done.  Thank you Mr. Valentine.

Bobby:
Absoltely Tina.  Good luck on  your marriage.

Tina:
Excuse me?  What's that supposed to me?

Bobby:
I meant congratulations on your marriage.  Press is always confusing my comments.  Typcail Boston Press.

Tina:
I'm from Colorado.

Bobby:
They too have their issues...Colorado always twisting the truth,

Tina:
I lied I came from Kentucky!

Bobby:
There you go...Kentucky...bad situation.

Tina:
Wow...you just can't help the hole you're digging yourself into.  Wow...you truly are unique Bobby.

Bobby:
I am...Legend

Tina:
And I'm Tina Derive and have a nice day.

Bobby Jenks fights Breast Cancer

Hello I'm Tina Derive and I'm SO delighted to be on 'Tomorrow...IS Today."  It's the talk show that talks about tomorrow's topics today...get it? 

Oh anyway, as you know, I'm Joe Derive's new wife.  We married last night in Los Vegas...I think...I don't remember much actually...but anyway...welcome Bobby Jenks:

Bobby Jenks
Glad to be here to fight Breast Cancer the leading cause of problems for women in the US.

Tina Derive:
Wow...that is so great of you.  You know you have a reputation as a womanizer and a total drunk bum but today you're making amends. We're all so very proud of you and what a handsome man you are!

Bobby Jenks (now sweating in his chair)
Oh...I like this show.

Tina  (laughing)
Bobby...you are such a flatterer and are so muscular.

Bobby:
Oh Tina I know the perfect evening for both of us...Anyway,  I'm here to show woman everywhere how to examine their breasts and provide free breast exams.  I'm completely qualified and will spend the time you need to ensure a cancer free breast.

Tina
Wow...that is so cool of you.  Did you go to school for that?

Bobby Jenks
Ah...ya...listen what is your IQ?

Tina
Oh...80 or so...I think but I don't remember too much...ha.ha..so can you go over the techniques you use to examine a breast...because I like do them in the shower.

Bobby Jenks
Well...ah...sorry starting to sweat here...hot studio...anyway the important part is to examine every part of the breast...did you say shower?

Tina
Every week!!!

Bobby
You take a shower once a week???

Tina (laughing hard)
No silly I examine my breasts once a week...I take a shower twice a week.  I call it Tuesday is shower and Friday is flower.  That's how I remember to shower twice a week.  Tuesday and Friday...like everyone else.  You're so silly.

Bobby Jenks
You weren't lying about your IQ were you?

Tina
Oh my you are SO funny Bobby.  So anyway what do I do to make my breasts cancer free, do I stroke them, rub them...ah I like to rub soap on them to check for...oh you certainly crossed your legs fast...ha..ha...chair uncomfortable?

Bobby Jenks
Ya...bad chair...ah...so anyway I have a free breast cancer clinic in my home city that young woman...you know because older woman already know this stuff...

Tina
Oh OK...so what would be the age limit?

Bobby
Twenty five

Tina
What made you pick that age instead of say 40 or 50 where breast cancer rates are much higher?

Bobby
How did you know that?

Tina (laughing)
Oh...I have NO idea...but you didn't answer the question did you? I believe that's the logical fallacy of 'avoiding the question.'

Bobby:
You're IQ isn't 80 is it?


Tina (with an angry stare)
I have Bobby Jenks on the show and my desire to make him look like a total fool just demanded that I alter a fact or two...and you have no way of moving off that stage easily right now do you without even making a bigger fool of yourself.

Bobby (meekly)
No...

Tina
That's all for today's show.  Tomorrow we'll have former Red Sox pitcher Kason Gabbard who will try to convince us that his name really isn't Jason.

Kason:
It's KASON!!!!!!!!!

Joe Derive and the scary 4

Arnie, the king of restaurant owners walked to the door in utter shock.  There was Joe Derive, a reporter for the Boston Sport smiling hard as he greeted his guests.

'Arnie, ' said Joe who extended his hand.  "Like you to meet my friends."

Arnie looked over at Manny Ramirez, Bobby Valentine, Julio Lugo and Bobby Jenks.

"If those are your friends Joe, I'd hate to see your enemies, " said Arnie trying not to groan as the five walked in and sat down.  Arnie, being the kind person that he was walked over and smiled.

'So...ah...what would you like to eat...not drink...eat?"

"Hey what about the big...", said Bobby Jenks.

"Uh hu...no,no,no, ' said Joe starring down Bobby Jenks.  "What is the number one rule with you four."

In unison the four spouted out, "don't talk unless it's a life or death emergency."

Joe nodded but then added, "and..."

"Consider it optional even then, "said the four in unison.  Joe then smiled broadly. 

"That's right Arnie.  These four, and myself, will have scrambled eggs with wheat toast, a cup of fruit and coffee. "

Arnie nodded and strolled away watching the four of them in unison.

Meanwhile Joe leaned back and smiled.  "You see, "said Joe, "  You four can behave in a public setting without a single problem."

Bobby Valentine shrugged. "The problem was the Boston Media.  Totally unprofessional. One reporter didn't like the way I answered the question and refused to speak to me the entire season."

"What did you say, "asked Joe?

"I told him to go #$#$34 himself and to stick #$#$ up his #$#$#4. "

"Wow, 'said Bobby Jenks. "What was wrong with that?"

"Ya see, "snapped Joe.  "That is exactly the type of thinking that you need to eliminate.  Remember my number one rule for you Bobby!"

"Everything I say or think is always wrong, "said Bobby in monotone. 

"Exactly, "said Joe.  "You need to flip everything you said to something that comes unnatural and it will be OK."

"So I can't tell that waitress that she has the biggest..."

"No...don't go there."

"Arnie, I found what Bobby said badder.  He really needs to clean up his languageres, "said Julio Lugo.

"How did you ever run a radio show Lugo?"

"Hey, it's still on.  The Alaska show is the only locally produced radio show in the Fairbanks area between the hours of 2:00 am and 3:00 am on Monday night with a ratings of...oh two listeners."

"Stop reading from notes Julio!"

"Hey what about me, 'said Manny Ramirez.  "Everyone in China LOVES ME.  They all know how great I am."

Joe rubbed his forehead.


"Here's the food. Hey Manny, "said Arnie as he was handing out the dishes. "You doing well in China...wait...let me guess...they love you over there!"

"Hey ya they do.  How'd you know?"

"But...you're getting tired of them and their lousy attitudes..."

"Right again...you are a genius Arnie."

"Lucky guess."

Arnie walked away as the four began eating their meal.

"I need it bad Joe.  For some reason women don't find me attractive!" said Bobby Jenks.

"That's because you're overweight and unlikeable, "said Bobby Valentine.

"Darnit Bobby...you two are giving the name Bobby a BAD name...wow"

"I just tell the truth, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

"Are you calling me FAT!!!"

"No, no, "said Bobby Valentine.  "I'm fat...you're thin and great looking."

Joe shook his head. Once again Bobby Valentine was doing the 'V' talk. 

"Man...why did I agree to this outing anyway Joe?"

"Because you're part of my new public relations study to determine if guys like you can function in the real world."

"I can function just fine...it's the world that's the problem, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

'Next you'll say that I just misinterpreted the fact that you just insulted the entire world.'

"Kind of, 'said a shamed Valentine.

"I've been taking a math course in addition.  Thank goodness for calculators, "said Lugo.  "I was having the worst time adding 5 + 12 until I punched it in a calculator and got 87.  Whew that was hard, "said Lugo.

"Hard...ya...I miss..."

"BOBBY, "cursed Joe Derive.  "Get your mind off yourself."

"That's it.  I'm sick of you guys and maybe you sick of Manny.  I want to stay in China where they love me there and in the meantime I'm going to shove Joe Derive to the ground just cause."

"Ow, "snapped Joe.

"That's it all of you.  Out of this restaurant.  I'm though with you!" said Arnie.

"See...see you four start talking and we get into trouble!"

"Joe, sorry, really but I have to run a family restaurant here."

"Does this mean that we get our $20,000 back Joe, "said Bobby Jenks.

"20,000 dollars.  Way to go Joe, "said Arnie.

Joe nodded and got up.

"OK you four we'll try again tomorrow night and this time we'll do it right.  We're going to McDonalds.

"DOUBLE FIST." snapped Bobby Jenks.

The four left and walked into the night.



 

Red Sox Management Selling New 'Stuff'

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and to leave warm and SUNNY Florida for...New York -- OK New York is great...but boy was it warm in Florida.  Anyway, I'm here with Larry Lucciano of the Boston Red Sox as he talks about merchandise that fans can buy in Fenway Park.  He's doing this as part of a program to help raise money for the struggling NESN network.

Larry
Hey Joe, we're very excited about the stuff we're selling. Stuff our players have donated to us to sell at the Fenway Park Store.  No more used jerseys going for...oh...$5000.  Now we have stuff that every fan will love.  Take David Ortiz's gold chain.

Joe:
Wow!  That's amazingly generous of David to donate it to the Red Sox and NESN.

Larry:
It is, but that's the type of player David Ortiz is.  He's so generous with his time and his stuff...oh, excuse me I have a call.

Larry (talking in background).
A breakin?  David that's terrible.  They took your...your gold chain?  Horrible...listen...ya no need to contact the police Dave.  We'll help you find it...ya...detectives...did they find fingerprints...oh that's too bad.  Listen, I'm talking with Joe Derive...gotta go...no no cops...we'll figure it out.

Larry: (looking a bit sweaty and panicked)
So anyway, we've got other things as well.  Take for example this great...well we have a photo of it.

Joe:
That's Josh Beckett's truck!  Wow!

Larry:
Ya...it's awesome isn't it.  Even has Josh's keg of beer in it!  Awesome!  We're selling it for 250 thousand dollars and that's a bargain.  I mean he's no longer with the team but that doesn't mean he's not a Red Sox.  He drove it all the way from Texas.

Joe:
So wow...I thought he didn't like you guys...boy was I wrong.

Larry:
Ya...oh...excuse me...

Larry (in background)
Josh...long time no hear...your truck...stolen?  How terrible?  Had beer in it too!  Your golf clubs?  Awful so why are you calling me?  Oh...spotted in Boston near Fenway Park with me driving it?  Ha...that's funny...well you know....seen one seem em' all.  Listen...gotta go...ya Joe Derive.

Larry:
Sorry about that. Also we are selling Josh Beckett's golf clubs for only 500,000 dollars.  They are custom made and he used to love them but when he left Boston he donated them to us.

Joe:
Funny because I overheard you saying his truck was stolen...with his golf clubs.

Larry:
Ha,ha,ha...ya he and I love to kid around.  You know, stuff stolen, house breakins...it's a joke you know.

Joe:
Ya...funny...so what else you got?

Larry:
I saved the best for last. 

This is the bat that Yaz used to make 3000 hits.  Amazing isn't it.  Priceless but Yaz is selling it for a pity one point five million.  I mean...awesome...stupid #$#$ phone.  One second Joe.

Larry (in background)
What, Carl?  How are you?  Your bat...missing?  Carl...that's horrible.  Ya the one that made 3000 hits.  Man that was LOW.  Whoever did that ought to have their head chopped off. Ya...of course I'll help you with the investigation....police?  Na, they don't know nothing.  I'll solve it for you.  Ya...gotta go.

Larry:
Sorry, man I hate that phone. 

Joe:
So when do these items go for sale?

Larry:
Today...and it's first come first serve.  We want these items GONE...preferably today...in the next few hours...and we'll be taking counteroffers as well.  Really...crap the #$#$, #%$#$#$, @#@#@# phone.#$#$

Joe:
Calm down Larry!

Larry:
What!!!! Oh ya...the game ball where your threw a no-hitter...is gone.  Who #$#$ cares Clay.  Go $#$ in a lake.  Ya #$#$ you too!

Larry:
Damn...why me?  Why do they all think I stole these items when they clearly donated them to me.  Anyway, we have one final item...the game ball that Clay Buckholz kindly gave to us after he threw that no-hitter.  Folks...really, who wouldn't want that in their home.

Joe:
Ya...sure...anyway Larry...I have to go...

Larry:
But you haven't heard about J.D. Drew's household furniture or Tito Francona's lawn equipment...and we even rubbed off the serial numbers...

Joe:
Lawn equipment?  Are you serious?

Larry:
Autographed by me too!

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and I am OUT OF HERE!!!  Welcome to the Boston Red Sox 2013 season!!!!

Larry:
Oh crap the cops!